Losing Humanity
by Uritsuko
Summary: My take on the ME3 story. Shepard tries to desperately keep hold of her humanity as she stumbles towards a final resolution that may cost her more than just her life. Violent in places. Romantic in others.
1. Chapter 1

I haven't finished this story yet but this is what I have so far, I'll run with it for now and see where it goes. It's less Mass Effect and more the story of Shepard, and hence Liara. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for feedback (if I get any).

I'm going to start off on Mars, just because I didn't like the start of the game. There may be some lines from the game, maybe not.

* * *

Shepard staggered to her feet, the explosion still ringing in her ears as the Normandy shuttle landed.

"Normandy is on route Commander" Vega stepped out, shaking himself off and surveying the wreckage. He nodded once, as if pleased with his efforts and put his hands on his hips. Shepard grunted at him and turned around. Ash was helping Liara to her feet, supporting most of the Asari's weight as they moved toward the shuttle. Shepard frowned at that, unsure of when Liara had been injured. She went to speak, but was interrupted as the door to the crashed shuttle went flying past them in a hail of shrapnel and flames.

"What the fuck?" Vega yelled as doctor Eva climbed out of the wreckage, her burnt, prosthetic body moving with ease through the flames. A blue visor swiped across the mechanical eyes, making its face shimmer in an eerie blue glow that bought images of husks flashing into Shepard's mind. She pulled her pistol and ran forward, a strangled cry pulling from her throat as she watched Ashley shove Liara to the floor and step into the line of fire. The doctor looked on impassive as Ash pulled her own pistol and fired several rounds into her chest.

"Ash!" Shepard yelled, jumping over debris "Move!"

Doctor Eva dashed forward, her heavy metallic footsteps a macabre testament to her invulnerability. She swung her arm up and grasped Ashley by the helmet, lifting her from the ground with ease.

"Put her down!" Shepard walked forward, approaching the android, her steps measured but unwavering. The Doctor spoke something into her comm. piece but through the ringing in her head, Shepard couldn't make it out "I said put her down" threats were useless, but she hoped to buy some time, hoped that Eva would move so she could get a clear shot. She thought about going for a single headshot on the doctor, but that would have meant going through Ashley, and from where the lieutenant was suspended, Shepard didn't think it would have been a survivable wound "Now" Shepard roared, her voice loud even to her own dulled senses.

With a twitch of artificial lips the doctor swung ash round and drove her head straight into the bulkhead of the shuttle. Shepard didn't wait for an invitation and fired as soon as the doctor had begun to turn. The shots hit home, each round leaving a dull black burn ringed by burning plasma on the androids body, but she didn't relent.

Shepard grit her teeth and increased her rate of fire, her anger burning as a powerless sensation washed over her. Finally, the doctor let Ashley go, her body falling to the floor with a hollow thud.

"Fuck you" Shepard ground out as a blue, mechanical gaze focused on her and the doctor ran forwards. Shepard didn't flinch; instead she wrapped both hands around the grip of her pistol and aimed directly for the face of the android. Seven rounds later and the body stopped moving, its forward momentum stopped as a round bent her head back and a shock of electricity ripped across its surface. Doctor Eva's body collapsed into a twitching heap, her arms and legs jerking in violent spasms. Shepard stood there for a moment as a single bead of sweat trickled between her shoulder blades, her weapon focussed on the body, her breathing ragged.

"Ash" Shepard looked up at Liara's cry. The Asari was knelt next to the prone woman, her face creased in worry.

"Grab that heap of shit Vega" Shepard nodded to the doctor's body as she holstered her weapon and sprinted over to where Ash and Liara were.

"She's not moving" Liara looked at Shepard, her eyes pleading, laced with worry.

"We'll get her on the Normandy" Shepard grabbed Ash's arm and hoisted her dead weight up, positioning her across her shoulders and standing up with a grunt. Her knees protested at the weight but she waved Liara's help off, indicating for her to go ahead onto the Normandy. "Joker" Shepard pushed her finger to the transmitter on her helmet "Get anybody with some medical experience into the med bay now, Ash is down" There was a thick pregnant pause as static rippled through her helmet.

"Roger that Commander, will do" Joker's voice was terse.

Shepard mounted the gangway, each tormented footstep sending a pulse of pain through her head as she went over and over the event in her mind. Should she have just shot Ash? Would she be in a better condition if she had? The doors closed behind them and the decontamination and compression sequence started. Vega threw the body of the doctor onto the floor of the shuttle bay with an exaggerated movement, throwing in a solid kick in an expression of his anger. Shepard didn't say anything as she made her way to lift, she simply looked up and followed Liara's lead.

* * *

Shepard, still dressed in full hard suit and weaponry, stood leaning over the galaxy map. A data pad swung loosely in her fingertips as she cast her gaze along the flashing red spheres that marked Reaper hot spots. She had expected things to be bad, but not quite so rapid.  
"Commander" Specialist Traynor appeared next to her "The galaxy map is currently updating, this information may not be one hundred percent accurate"

Shepard glanced across at the young woman and shifted slightly, resting her forearms on the bar "I'm not holding my breath that any of these hotspots are going to improve"

"I'm afraid you might be correct in that assumption" Traynor shifted as well, mimicking Shepard's position and allowing her hands to dangle freely. Shepard wasn't what Traynor had been expecting. She was shorter for one, and strangely more pensive. Everything she had read and seen about the famous Commander Shepard pointed towards a fiery, headstrong solider who took no nonsense and brokered no arguments. Yet in person Shepard was thoughtful, calm and ferociously intelligent. But there was strength there, under the surface, a solid core, like velvet over steel and despite the mission and everything that was happening on Earth, Traynor felt that the Normandy was the safest place in the galaxy.

"Shit" Shepard wiped her face and her hand came away bloody. They had just returned from Mars and the Commander hadn't stopped issuing orders and prepping the crew as they made their way to the Citadel. She hadn't even taken off her hard suit, or more importantly, treated her wounds.

"Are you alright Commander?" Traynor looked at Shepard, wincing at the livid slice that ran across the ridge of her eyebrow that was currently seeping a slow trail of crimson down her face.

"I'm fine" Shepard shrugged "How long until we reach Citadel space?"  
"About three hours" Traynor murmured, looking away. Shepard's face was blood streaked and dirty but she was still stunning. Beneath the layer of grime Traynor could make out the hint of freckles that covered her cheeks and nose, and the piercing green eyes that revealed every emotion were disarmingly attractive.

"How about you Traynor?" Shepard asked, her voice quiet "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Commander" Traynor tried to sound positive "So far anyway" she paused "I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for this though"

"Of course you are" Shepard replied "I have faith in you" the commanders roguish smile made Traynor blush and she looked away, embarrassed.  
When the lift behind them pinged open, they both turned. Doctor T'soni strode out into the CIC, her face instantly creased with worry when she took in the blood streak on Shepard's face, but shifted into something unreadable as she glanced between the two of them.  
Shepard turned and made her way toward the Asari, stopping when she was an arm's reach away.

"Doctor?" Her voice was solid but weary.

"I need you to sign off on this Shepard" Liara held out a data pad and waited for Shepard to read it.

"What is it?"

"Supplies, medical mostly, some weapons, food stuffs" Liara watched as Shepard pushed her thumb onto the authorisation panel. She looked tired and uneasy.

"Done, anything else?"

Liara took in the shadows beneath Shepard's expressive eyes and instinctively reached up, her fingertips wiping away some of the blood from the commanders cheek and lingering a little too long.

"Shepard.."

"Don't" Shepard held up her hands as a muscle bunched along the edge of her jaw "You're going to tell me we need to talk aren't you?"

"Maybe" Liara mused, letting her hand fall away.

Liara hadn't been surprise to see Shepard on Mars, somehow she had known that Hackett would send her, but she hadn't been prepared for how distant Shepard seemed. Her time on earth, incarcerated and out of all contact had been harder on her than Liara could have imagined. She'd managed to occupy herself with work and received updates on Shepard's trial and condition through Ashley, but she'd found the separation hard, and was finding Shepard's aloofness even more difficult to deal with.  
"You should get that treated" Liara indicated the cut "It looks painful" Shepard was staring at her, her gaze so distant and hollow that it made Liara's heart ache. She'd lost weight since the last time they had seen each other, Liara could tell by the prominence of her cheek bones, and she looked wiser, aged by what she'd witnessed on Earth. But standing here, so close to the woman she loved, who she had lost once before, she found it hard to keep her composure. She wanted to touch Shepard, hold her and kiss her more than she could ever remember wanting anything. The urge, the need was scarifying and as intense as she had remembered it from the first time she had met her; it burned in her, infested her, ran brilliant and urgent in her blood.

"You're right" Shepard nodded slowly, watching a myriad of emotions cloud beautiful blue eyes "and we do need to talk" she set her mouth in a line, an expression that Liara knew was not neutral, but which she still couldn't fully interpret. It might have been annoyance, or merely acceptance. Still something in her chest seemed to release like a spring _maybe_ she thought.

Liara nodded and gave Shepard a small smile before retreating back to the elevator. Shepard didn't take her eyes off the Asari until the elevator doors had closed.

"I take it you and Doctor T'soni are close?" Traynor pulled up alongside the Commander and smiled.

"We were once" Shepard nodded.

"Not anymore?"

"I'm not sure" Shepard sighed "I had convinced myself that it would be better for her if I kept my distance, that I could only cause her pain in this" she gave Traynor a self depreciating smile "but I don't know anymore"

"Commander" Traynor lay her hand on Shepard's shoulder "I think Doctor T'soni is a very lucky woman" she paused "And who knows what path this war is going to take"

"Thanks Traynor" Shepard looked at her "You'll fit in great, don't worry about it" she walked away "Oh and Traynor"

"Commander?"

"When we get to the Citadel, get some down time, might be the last we get for a while"

"Will do Commander"


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh it did not go well" Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and looked at the ceiling. The room was cast in mute blue light as the hologram of Admiral Hackett blinked and fluctuated.

"So what's you plan Commander?" The Admiral scratched his beard, absently running his finger over one of his scars as his eyes tracked something in the distance.

"Get the Turian primarch off Manae, set up a summit meeting with the Asari and Salarian directly, bypass the council and appeal to their leadership"

"Sounds good, I like it"

"It's not going to be easy Admiral" Shepard shook her head "All these politics when we should..." She faltered in fury. She couldn't finish the sentence; she was too steeped in anger.

"I understand Commander, but forge alliances where you can, make people listen to you, and get me anything you can. Ships, resources, anything I can channel into the Prothean device"

"What about Earth?"

"Anderson and what's left of the Alliance forces will have to hold on" his voice was calm and unrippled, words cold and paced, brooking no opposition.

"I understand"

"Good, then make it happen commander"

"Yes sir" Shepard blinked as the hologram faded and the lights in the room changed from blue to a more natural, albeit dull, fluorescent glow. She paced around for a moment before settling against the bulkhead opposite the door. Shepard took a deep breath, whistling as she did, composing herself before facing the Normandy.

As she moved through the war room -fingers running along cold surfaces as she passed- she palmed her jacket, smoothing the fabric of her dress blues, marvelling that she was allowed to wear them again. The dull hum of the environmental scanner split the moment as she stood, waiting for the beam to pass over her, nodding to the soldier guarding the door as she passed through. In the CIC she walked to her console, hands deep in her pockets, head lowered as though trying to solve a complex problem.

"I've sent you the updated reports on Palaven and its moon Commander" Traynor's precise, clipped tones made her look up "The location the Turian councillor gave us is going to be difficult to access, Reaper forces are particularly heavy" she keyed some buttons, frowning "We won't be able to land a shuttle in the exact area"

"It won't be any worse than Earth" Shepard's eyes closed momentarily in pain, the opened before she spoke again "I feel like I'm leaving the fight again" a flash of self pity and unbearable hurt came into her face but disappeared just as quickly. Her gaze empty once more, she added "I'm not sure why though"

"You're a soldier Commander Shepard, I suppose politics does feel a bit like running when you're usually the one fighting" Traynor mulled on her words for a moment "I'm positive you will see more than your fair share in the trenches though" she shrugged one shoulder and laughed without humour.

"I'm sure" Shepard took her hands from her pockets and ran her fingertips along her console, bringing up a full three dimensional map of the Sol system. Large red lights blinked on and off around Earth "Alone against the galaxy" she muttered, ignoring the glances the crew was giving her as she bought up a model of the Earth and span it around "The human race, alone against the galaxy. God has deserted us, our allies have grown into strangers and the machines mass ever nearer on our heels" she zoomed in on the head of Alliance headquarters, the 3D model showing circles and flashes of red all around.

Traynor swallowed as her gaze raked over Shepard's face "I think the notion of God is quite antiquated now Commander"

"Hmm?" Shepard looked at her oddly, as if she wasn't aware she had even been speaking "True enough" she titled her head and studied the model "We have strength still though, and with that we will keep on rolling, grinding and crushing" her voice was suddenly an octave deeper and laced with fury as her hand swiped the console and the display vanished "They will not take my future from me" she spat, raking the fingers of one hand through her hair and stepping away from the console "Traynor, keep an eye on Palaven, let me know if the situation changes"

"Yes Commander" Traynor nodded, watching as the Commander walked away, every eye in the CIC was fixed on her. It occurred to Traynor that Commander Shepard had no idea of the effect she had on people, but right now, if she would have announced to the Normandy she was going to destroy every Reaper with the pure force of her will, they probably would have believed her.

* * *

Shepard had so much to do, so many reports to make, so many people to speak to and deal with. She stalked through the corridor to the elevator, jabbing her finger at the button several times more than was required.

"EDI can you have Doctor T'Soni meet me in the shuttle bay please?" She needed to sort out Doctor Eva's body.

"Certainly Commander"

When the elevator pinged and doors slid open, Shepard was confronted by James Vega crouched over the body of Doctor Eva. Like her, he'd gotten changed into a set of casual Alliance fatigues, and just like her, she could sense the angry waves of frustration emanating from him.

"Everything alright Lieutenant?" Shepard eyed the big man wearily as he stood up, crossing his arms as he raked his eyes over her.

"Peachy Lola" He muttered "What's going on with the walking dead here?" He indicated the prone android with a dismissive wave, the muscles in his shoulders bunching. Shepard smirked, sure he'd made the gesture deliberately.

"Have we got a problem here Vega?" Shepard took a step forward, pushing her chin out in an act of challenge. He'd been difficult since leaving earth, his attitude one of angry defiance and he'd questioned Shepard's decisions more times that she was willing to let go. She walked around him, stepping a little closer than was comfortable, watching him as he bristled, flexing his muscles and lifting one eyebrow. He was young, full of bluster and bravado, but in a strange way he reminded Shepard of her younger self, of the down and dirty marine she used to be before politics and ambition clouded her way.

"No problem Lola, I'm just not one for running, that's all" He followed her with his eyes, a fine sheen of perspiration coated his face and he licked his lips.

"You think I am?" she kept her voice level as she stuck her hands in her pockets and rocked in her heels. She had a feeling he didn't respect her, and if he didn't respect her, he was never going to follow her.

"It's all I've seen so far" he shrugged, his voice low and bored "Not seen too much of the legendary Shepard"

"Ah" Shepard nodded and turned around, putting her back to the big marine. She sighed and wished for a moment she could be more like him, go back to a time where the decisions weren't hers, a time when she could have stayed on earth and the only things that mattered was the fight "I don't live up to the legend Vega so try not to be too disappointed"

"I think I already am" He smirked "You dance Lola?" he rolled his shoulders, head rocking from side to side.

To her credit, Shepard actually laughed, her face creasing into a smile "A lot better than you I'll bet" she watched as he threw a few punches into the air, loosening his muscles.

"You wanna see if that's true Commander?"

For an answer all Shepard did was remove her jacket, placing it down onto the console next to them and noting that they had an audience. She looked up, making eye contact with both Liara and Cortez in turn. She hadn't noticed either of them enter, but it didn't matter. She could do with burning off some of her ebbing anger, and an audience didn't change that. She rolled her own shoulders, suddenly feeling uncharacteristically small.

Vega was heavier than her, and far more muscular, he was fast as well, faster than he should be for a man his size. Shepard knew that all the normal advantages of skill, intelligence and experience would be discounted in a brute contest like this.  
She circled Vega slowly, her hands in a relaxed guard, face an expressionless mask. Even she had to admit, Vega looked mean, his mouth formed a slight smile, sweat glistened on his face and his shoulders flexed as he moved.

"I'm not gonna pull my punches Lola" the words, painted by that odd accent, rolled off his tongue.

"I don't want you too" Shepard was solemn.

Shepard continued to circle Vega, consciously loosening her muscles as she paced across the shuttle bay floor. She could feel the air conditioning against her skin like a cool breeze as she relaxed into her stance. A surge of dark energy wound its way up from her guts and she welcomed it, feeling the hairs lift on her arms, and a seductive buzz stir in her blood. She watched as a low laugh trickled from Vega's lips, and then he charged.

He was fast, and strong, but not graceful. He launched himself of top of her, bearing them both to the ground as he slammed a punch down onto an opponent that somehow was no longer beneath him. A knee connected though, and he grabbed what holds he could, striking down hard with an elbow into Shepard's ribs, using his heavier weight to hold the Commander down.

The shock of the impact jarred his shoulder and he felt himself being flipped over as muscles tensed under his grip and hands closed around him with surprising, chilling strength. He butted his head against Shepard's Jaw, feeling her grip loosen briefly and a curse escape her. He took advantage of that, slamming his fists against her stomach with all his strength. He knew she should have gone down, should caved and crumbled. Instead, a low, throaty laugh answered him and he felt a searing pain as a hand gripped his wrist and squeezed hard. The scent of blood and sweat filled his nostrils, overwhelmed him as his body was jerked out of his control. He felt the dizzying whirl of air as his feet left the ground. Awkwardly he flailed his limbs, trying to knock Shepard off balance, but he felt a surge of almost animal power as he was lifted, and turned, and suddenly the ground was coming up. Shepard growled, her body tense as it reacted on instinct, forgetting it was just a game.  
A blinding blue light surrounded him just before he impacted the ground with a terrifying force, and he was suddenly lay spread eagle, face down and suspended an inch from the ground by a biotic field that had, terrifyingly, just saved his life.

Shepard eyed Vega for a long frozen moment before turning to face Liara, who was stood with her hands in the air, blue light encasing them as she held Vega in place. She held him for a few seconds to give him time to process what had happened before she let him go and made her way over to Shepard. Watching the commander body press the big human over her head had been shocking, and she had shuddered upon hearing the low growl of rage coming from Shepard's throat as she released Vega. The whole fight had been over before it had started, in typical clinical Shepard fashion, she had dispensed with the pleasantries and got straight to business, taking Vega out in a matter of minutes and leaving the Lieutenant wide eyed and flustered.

"Shit!" Shepard swore and looked back at the Lieutenant "You alright Vega?" she looked over at the big man who was getting to his feet, rubbing his wrist and shaking his head.

"My pride hurts Lola" he smiled and walked towards her "You don't pull your punches do you?"  
Shepard shook her head, angrily "Sorry" she opened her mouth to speak again but thought better of it. Instead she turned on her heel and walked off, stopping only to grab her jacket, her footsteps were a hollow staccato on the floor of the shuttle bay.

"Are you hurt Lieutenant?" Liara asked, her gaze following Shepard's retreating form.

"I don't think so" He shook his head "That's some crazy power she's got Doc. I felt like a rag doll" he smiled but his gaze was distant "Remind me never to piss the commander off" he laughed.

"I think you should get that wrist examined by a Doctor at the citadel, just to be sure" Liara indicated his wrist with a wave of her hand.

"Will do Doc" he muttered, his fingertips massaging the painful joint.

"If you'll excuse me then Lieutenant" Liara gave the young marine a curt nod and followed the Commander out of the shuttle bay. She made her way to the elevator, surprised when she opened it to find Shepard leant against the back wall. She stepped in, waited for the door to close behind her and then spoke.

"EDI"  
"Yes Liara"  
"Hold the elevator please"  
"Of course Liara"  
The lights on the elevator door flashed from green to red.  
"Don't" Shepard looked at her, her face hard, expressionless "I know what I did, you don't have to tell me. I lost control, completely" Shepard threw her arms in the air and began to pace "If you hadn't been there I'd have broken his neck Liara" she looked down at her hands "When did this happen? When did I become this thing, this tool designed to do nothing but kill?" she spat angrily "I hate it. I hate all these changes, all these implants and improvements, it's not who I was Liara" she shook her head, slowly now as the anger dissipated "It's not who I was"

"Shepard, that is not who you are" Liara reached out, grabbing Shepard by the shoulder "You're a..."

"Liara I don't want to hear it" Shepard shook free of Liara's grasp "Don't try and say I'm some god damned hero when I'm not. Do you have any idea of the lives I've lost, the people I've killed?"

"Of course not" Liara shook her head, blue eyes flashing with uncharacteristic anger "Because I haven't been with you all this time have I? I haven't had to watch you suffer those decisions, I haven't had to watch you deal with the grief and the guilt have I?"

"Liara" Shepard's anger had completely evaporated, replaced with a hollow feeling of sorrow.

"Don't Liara me Shepard. I've been here, I've lost people too and I've made sacrifices" she looked at Shepard, her eyes glistening but hard

"Don't you understand Shepard? None of us would be here if it wasn't for you. The galaxy would already be decimated and we wouldn't have a chance. We wouldn't have hope. So yes Shepard, I know how many people have died because of your actions and decisions, but I also know how many people are alive because of those same decisions" she was practically growling now "So don't stand there and tell me not to think that you are a decent person" she blew out an angry breath "And don't expect me to stand here and watch as you destroy yourself before the real fighting has even begun"

Liara stood there as the anger and the fight left her. Her arms fell to her sides and she looked at Shepard, eyes distant.  
Shepard covered the space between them with two sure strides and grabbed hold of both Liara's wrists, staring into blue eyes that had once been almost as familiar as her own "I'm sorry" Her voice was achingly soft.

"Shepard" Liara looked away, she feel the Commanders breath on her cheek, the warmth radiating from her, so agonisingly close and so far away at the same time.

"What?" Shepard's voice was low, husky and so near.

"You can't finish every discussion we have like this" Liara admonished, but her tone was lighter now, and the ghost of a smile played on her face.

"I'm sorry" Shepard said "I mean it" she hugged Liara close, the embrace almost painful "Your right"

"Did you just say I was right?" Liara asked, speaking into Shepard's neck "Did Commander Shepard, saviour of the citadel, just admit to being wrong?"

Shepard let Liara go and stepped away from her. Smiling, she pushed the elevator button again, watching as the light changed back to green and the dull hum of the motors engaged.

"It had to happen eventually" when the elevator door opened at the CIC, Shepard looked at Liara "I have some reports to finish before we get to Palaven" she looked out at the crew milling around the CIC "I'll see you tonight though?" a hopeful question.

"Of course" Liara nodded, watching as Shepard stepped out of the elevator, her shoulders straightening imperceptivity. The doors slid shut and she hit the key for the crew quarters "Just another day on the Normandy" she muttered.


	3. Chapter 3

Shepard was lay stretched out on the couch in her cabin. She was thinking about Ashley, hoping that she recovered quickly. She was trying to get some down time before they arrived at Palaven, trying to get the day out of her head. She mumbled to herself and crossed her feet at the ankles, closing her eyes. EDI had suggested some relaxing music and Shepard was simply content to lie back and let the slow melodic tones wash over her. She was about to drift off when her door chimed.

"Who is it?" Shepard yelled, annoyed.

"Liara" was the distant response.

Shepard sighed and for the briefest moment considered dismissing her.

"Come in" She called but didn't move. The doors slid open with a hiss and she listened as Liara made her way in.

"Shepard?"

"Over here"

"Oh" Liara paused when she saw Shepard sprawled out on the couch wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and a white N7 t-shirt "Sorry Shepard, I'll come back later" she stuttered and back away.

"No!" Shepard stood up, suddenly immensely sad that there was so much distance between them "Liara wait" she reached out and grabbed the Asari's hand "I was just.." she stopped and smiled "I wasn't doing anything" Shepard didn't let go of those warm, familiar, supple fingers. The Asari looked as beautiful and composed as she always did, but there was a storm behind her blue eyes and it made Shepard's heart ache to think she might be the cause. With a sigh she let go and took a step back, suddenly needing the distance.

"In this past year Liara I feel like I've become ancient, a cynical war worn, half careless, half uncaring veteran who will take her enemies where and when I can" she shook her head sadly and scrubbed her face with her palm "How old I have become"

"Shepard" Liara took a step towards her "That's not true" she paused, smirking "you're not old"

Shepard looked at her and suddenly, her universe was centred.

"Thank you Doctor, that's very perceptive of you"

"I try"

Shepard moved so close that they were practically touching "Did you come here just to laugh at me T'Soni or did you have something else on your mind?"

Liara swallowed as she inhaled Shepard's scent. Looking at her now, stood all relaxed and beautiful, she was reminded of the cocky self assured Marine she'd met all those years ago and not the troubled, forlorn warrior she was now.

"Just you" Liara said then closed her eyes, annoyed at herself. She heard Shepard laugh "I meant you and me, us"

"I know" Shepard gave her a lopsided smile and glanced across at the stereo as the music changed "You know something? I never learnt to dance" Shepard looked at Liara, listened to the low tune of the music and sighed absently "I've been to so many military affairs and always managed to avoid it" She absently ran her fingers through her hair "I think about all the things going on in the universe and it makes me think about all the things I've never done, all the things I might never do"

Liara stared at her, thinking for a moment about how someone so accomplished could have missed so many of the simpler pleasures in life. Had Shepard always been so self-sufficient that she didn't need what so many people spent their lives seeking - some connection with another person?

"Well that has to change" Liara stated emphatically. She stepped back into the space behind her and tugged on Shepard's fingers "Dance with me Commander?" Liara felt, for the first time, like something in their dynamic had shifted, like they were finally stood here, together, on equal ground.

There was something about the compassionate insistence in Liara's voice, and the comfort of the hand holding hers, that Shepard couldn't resist, and without thinking about what it meant, or what was going on, she nodded and allowed herself to be lead.

Liara looked up into Shepard's smile and stepped into her arms "You lead" she said quietly.

"As long as you keep me on track" Shepard rejoined as she slipped one arm around Liara's waist. The Asari fit effortlessly against her, and despite the frequent physical contact they'd had in the past, this felt so vastly different. Liara's head rested lightly on her shoulder and for a second Shepard was breathless from the assault of sensation.

"You're shaking" Liara whispered.

"Nervous" Shepard murmured, closing her eyes, unconsciously tightening her hold as they moved together, tentatively at first, then with a growing confidence as each sensed the others rhythm. Liara pressed closer, cleaving to Shepard's strong frame, her fingers on Shepard's back tightening. She swore she could feel Shepard's heart beat in time with her own and she exhaled.

"Okay?" Shepard questioned softly, her breath warm against Liara's cheek.

Liara just mumbled and squeezed closer. They danced slowly, cutting their way around the room until the music changed and the beat picked up.

"It's getting a little fast" Liara said as she leant back and looked into her partners face. Shepard was staring at her in the strangest way, her grip around Liara's waist tightening instinctively as the contact between them lessened. Liara tilted her head questioningly as she relaxed against Shepard's body.

"Hmm" Shepard nodded "I'm ready to sit down now too, but my legs seem to have acquired a mind of their own and they are saying stay"

Liara laughed, enjoying the glint in Shepard's expressive green eyes. She reached up and pushed a stray lock of Shepard's hair behind her ear, dragging her fingertips along her strong jaw and down her chest until her hand rested on the commander's hip.

"I thought that I could push you away" Shepard muttered "I was determined that as soon as I saw you, I would tell you to leave, that I would hide you away somewhere safe and away from harm"

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I saw you and because life is here to be lived, just this one time, and that means seizing each and every chance for happiness right?" Liara nodded at her slowly "And I need something to fight for. I can't fight for the galaxy Liara, it means nothing to me and it's too big, too much. But you, I can fight for you, and I can fight for us"

Liara marvelled at the woman in front of her, knowing in that instant that she was on the brink of something enormous, that the stunning, glorious, brave and passionate person that Shepard was, was hers, all hers. The magnitude of it left her dizzy.

"So" Liara lay her palms flat on Shepard's chest "Us" she mumbled "What does that mean?"

"Does it matter?" Shepard's stomach quivered as blue eyes met hers and she forgot about being cautious. The spectre of death, so final, so brutal, still hovered around her. She felt cold inside and sad, and Liara offered her heat and promise and moments forgetting. It was enough. It would always be enough "I don't know when this will end, what will happen to me, to you or any of us but I'll take any day I can get, and any moment with you I can get" Shepard seemed suddenly unsure "If you'll let me"

"Yes" Liara leaned across the space between them and kissed Shepard's neck "That sound's perfect"

* * *

"Vega clear those husks!" Shepard roared as she sprinted towards the wall, sending rocks and shale flying in every direction. She climbed the ladder in three lunges "Shit" her voice died in her throat as a wave of husks washed towards the wall, tumbling and wailing with their awkward gaits.

"Christ" Vega muttered from next to her as he surveyed the oncoming chaos, sighting down his rifle and scanning the crowd.

Shepard pulled her rifle and began picking off the husks, smiling when she heard the thud of Vega's join hers followed by the dull thrum of Garrus letting loose with his sniper rifle. With a grin she ejected a thermal clip and threw in another, laughing as the line of husks was decimated.

"You're enjoying this Lola?" Vega shouted, voice incredulous.

"Your not?" Shepard threw back, effortlessly slinging a grenade into the crowd and clearing the last of them. Peering out from behind her rifle she raised her hand and squinted as another explosion erupted just in front of them, trying to see how many husks the next wave consisted of. When the smoke cleared, her heart fell and her stomach twisted.

"Shepard..." She heard Garrus mutter her name, heard Vega swallow "What is that?"

Shepard didn't take her eyes from the smoking Reaper, from its terrible giant body coated with metallic muscle and its terrifying blue glowing eyes. The creature roared, rearing onto two legs and shuddering forward, picking up speed with each staggering step as it hurtled towards them.

"Brace yourselves!" Shepard shouted, firing five shots, four of them smacking into the creatures bizarre metal plating, the fifth going wide as the ground began to shake every time a monstrous foot hit the ground. She had a minute to brace her weight before the might of the creature impacted the wall "Fuck" Shepard rocked forward, catching her boot on a the edge of the wall and stumbling forward. She hit the floor with a bone rattling crunch, hunching into a ball and biting off a scream as the brutes massive clawed fingers raked across her left thigh. Hitting the emergency button on her hard suit to activate the release of the medical chemicals into her blood stream, she leapt to her feet, blood running down the inside of her leg in a hot pulse of stinging pain. She staggered backwards, hearing someone call her name, her wide eyed gaze fixed on the creature.

It was hideous, all the more so for it's vaguely Turian appearance, a twisted Reaper mockery of reality. It took a mighty step and its arms rose, but it was slow and right now that was the only thing she had going for her. Shepard sprinted for the rocks behind her to put some distance between her and the Brute. Suddenly though, the creature bent forward, placing all four legs on the ground and flexing its knees, pushing off the ground in a dynamic lunge that tore gouges in the rock beneath it, its deformed feet propelling it toward her at a frightening pace. Shepard didn't think. She dodged right and rolled, pulling her pistol and firing, watching as its claws tore through the air where she'd been only a second before. She fired again as the Brute turned its head, tracking her. Its eye exploded, a burst of inky blue phosphorous fluid splattering its wretched face and still she kept firing, the open blackness of its empty eye socket drooling out some dark ichorous liquid.

It bellowed at her, positioning itself for another attack even as her rounds smashed into its now melted face, two of them ricocheting off its metallic skull case. Shepard wasn't doing enough damage and the Brute was about to launch into another lurching run. She looked around but there was nowhere to go, it would be on her before she could turn. There was a horrible, clenching fist of fear in her stomach as she holstered her pistol and stood up, bracing herself to charge directly at the beast, her omni tool flashing to life in a blast of orange and forming a deadly blade. She whipped her hand around behind her and waited, waited for it to complete its turn, for it take its first few steps and build its speed. Just as it was upon her she sprinted forward, ducking beneath its great clawed forearms and twisting as she skidded onto her back, plunging the blade into its soft underbelly and slicing it all the way from its sternum to its hip. There was a clattering roar as she rolled out from beneath the thing and got to her knee, forearms braced as she took a breath.

The creature convulsed and Shepard just watched dispassionately as it bled out, trying to stand as it seemed to condense and fold in on itself, its massive body crumpling as thick deep blue liquid poured from within. Shepard stood up, only really happy the job was done when the Brute fell to one side, its legs collapsing, finally still, in a pool of shiny liquid.

She glanced down at her ruined thigh and wrenched free the mangled panel of armour that had barely done its job. Beneath it there were three angry deep welts leaking a slow trail of blood down her leg. Reaching into one of the pockets on her belt she pulled free a large silver packet and ripped the corner off with her teeth. With shaking fingers she spread the fabric across the wounds, watching as it soaked the blood up and bonded to her skin, forming a seal that would hopefully last until they were back on the Normandy.

"Commander" Vega skidded to a halt in front of her "Here!" He threw her dropped rifle at her, smiling as she caught the weapon and effortlessly ejected the clip, inserting a new one without even looking "I can't believe what I just saw" he gawped at the creature, walking around it as he shook his head.

"You injured Shepard?" Garrus walked up next to her, the tilt of his head indicating the wound on her thigh.

"Not too bad" Shepard shrugged, ignoring the dull throb as she forced herself not to limp "I'll hold until we get back"

"You sure about that? I can have one of the medics here check it out" Garrus squinted at her, his demeanour suggesting he didn't quite believe what she had said.

"I'm sure" Shepard nodded "Let's just go and grab this guy. You'll have to forgive me for saying this Garrus, but I've just about had my fill of Turian scenery"

"I hear that" Vega echoed.

* * *

Vega had to admit, Shepard didn't look so good. She stood in front of the Primarch, her rifle holstered on her back, arms hanging limply at her sides, face pale but beading with sweat. He'd watched her push on at the front, take the weight of the fire, make the brunt of the kills, like some possessed single minded creature, unstopping, unrelenting. But she was suffering for it now. The Primarch gave her the once over and moved past her.

"You expect me to leave? Leave the fight, my men?" his voice was a thick layered drone of dull tones.

"Yes Primarch Victus I do" Shepard closed her eyes and to her mind came the sounds of war across the gulf of space. She heard gun fire in the distance, the sound of a Turian squadron leader crying out to keep formation through someone's comm and the dull hiss of static as a nearby radio phased in and out of signal. She could smell blood, her own blood and she wondered if the Primarch could smell it too.

"To think, I'm the Primarch of all Palaven" he sighed and turned around, his dark eyes staring into Shepard "I never wanted this, what do I know of politics? I'm a soldier, I always have been, I don't wish to leave the fight to make politics"

"We aren't so different you and I Primarch" Shepard flexed her fingers and opened her eyes "Look at me. I've been a Marine my whole life, I've known nothing but the fight but now I'm a council spectre, forced to leave my planet to make treaties and agreements with species who have hatreds that go back to a time before my race had spaceflight" She coughed out a bitter, harsh laugh "Primarch, war is your resume, we need people who have seen the fight, been through this hell, you are more than qualified"

"Oh" The big Turian laughed "Oh I like that" he looked at her "Give me a moment Commander, I need to speak to my men"

Shepard nodded and almost instantly her vision was filled by another Turian as Garrus moved in front of her, one large talon coming to rest on her shoulder " If he leaves Shepard, this moon is lost, and Palaven not far behind it"

"If he doesn't leave Garrus, then Palaven is going to be the least of the galaxies worries"

"How did it ever come to this?" He looked up at the ghostly visage of a Reaper, carving its way through the sky "Look at that thing, and they asked me for advice on how to stop it?" he took his hand off Shepard's shoulder and groaned "You really think you can win this Shepard?"

"Me?" Shepard jerked a thumb at herself "Not a chance. All of us though? Yeah, maybe we can"

"You know what I mean" Garrus shrugged "You know I'm with you Shepard, all the way, I can't stay here"

"Garrus, I never thought for one second that you wouldn't be onboard the Normandy for this fight" She reached out and took his hand, shaking it awkwardly "Welcome aboard big guy" she gave him a small smile then turned her focus back to the Primarch "Are we good to go Primarch?"

"Commander, I cannot leave my people to die here. I will accompany you to the summit but there are conditions"

"Such as?" Shepard drew the question out.

"We need Krogan boots on Palaven"

"Krogan?" Shepard gave the Turian a full, frank and genuine smile "You want an alliance between the Turian and the Krogan?" She paused "No, you want the Krogan to come and fight for you, on the Turian home world?"

"We lose our home world without the Krogan Commander" Victus shifted from foot to foot "I understand the complexity of what I'm asking, but there is no debate on this issue"

Shepard narrowed her gaze at the Turian, her mind ticking over, thinking, calculating "Alright, if I get the Krogan on Palaven, I have your full military support?"

"You have my word"

"Ok" Shepard turned around "I guess that's that then" and walked off.

"Shepard?" Garrus followed her "What now then?"

"I'm going to find some really big strings to pull" Shepard put her finger to her transmitter "Cortez get over here, we have the Primarch"

_"Aye aye Commander"_

Vega stood just over from her, his face a study in consternation as he kicked something on the floor.

"You alright Lieutenant?" Shepard shouted over.

"Yeah" he kicked the floor again, piquing Shepard's curiosity enough to make her walk over. When she looked down, there was a dismembered husk corpse, its eyes lifeless and dull "They look so much like us" he said, disgusted "You know, apart from the implants and all that creepy as shit blue"

"Yeah but look" Shepard pointed at the sliced open stomach of the body "Their insides look like someone's taken them out, mixed them with spare parts from several other species and jammed them back in any way that fit conveniently. For the next hundred years scientists will be knocking their heads together to figure out how they make that work"

Vega grunted, running his fingers over the barrel of his rifle absently "that's the least of it"

"Your right" agreed the Commander "For the next thousand years they'll be trying to figure out how they think, why they fight, what will it take to get along with them, what motivates them"

"If they let us live that long" Vega looked at the woman in front of him "I don't give a shit about any of that, but tell you what does bother me. Why?"

"There is no why Vega, because they want to kill every living species in the galaxy" Shepard looked down at the corpse "Maybe they see something in us that could threaten them, maybe it's because we are organic, maybe a lot of maybes. It doesn't matter. Survival never matters until you have to survive, and then it's a god damned mess" Vega nodded, he understood the truth of that "Survival through your destruction" Shepard looked at him "When that is the only coherent answer you can get from your enemy Vega, then you fight or you die" She turned at the sound of the shuttle coming into land, it's thrusters kicking up rock and debris.

"No shit" Vega muttered, lifting his hand to shield his face "Cause I sure as hell ain't dying"


	4. Chapter 4

"Commander, something.." Traynor looked up, words catching in her throat. Shepard was limping forward, face pale, hair matted with sweat. Her assault rifle was clutched loosely in one hand and she rolled her head towards Traynor more than turned it.

"What?" A lazy question pulled from weariness.

"Sorry, the comm system has gone down, the ships systems are going haywire!"

"I know, Joker told me EDI is offline, I'm heading to deck three" The Commander looked down at her leg then back up at Traynor, her eyes terrifyingly glassy "Get Vega and Liara down there if you can"

"Yes Commander"

Shepard frowned as the lights dimmed just as she entered the elevator. The small electrical panel flittering on and off in a series of random flashes. It would be just her luck to get stuck in the elevator.

Outside on deck three, just by the AI core, were two crewmen, both holding fire extinguishers. Shepard didn't say anything, just waved her rifle in a lazy motion, indicating for them to proceed. The sound of the extinguishers hurt her ears and the powder clogged her nose and throat, an acrid tang that made her cough in reflex. She bought her rifle up, wedging it into the grove of her shoulder and stepped forward, past the crewmen and into a patch of sinking powder. The thing before her, was the very last thing she expected to see and If EDI hadn't of spoken so quickly, Shepard would have fired out of instinct.

"Commander" The android body turned to face her, its artificial skin of metal and plastic shimmering in the light.

"EDI?" Shepard didn't lower her rifle "What's going on?"

"I have taken control of Dr Eva's body. It was not a seamless transition" A sleek silver arm extended as the android twisted and rotated the hand, bending every finger in turn, head tilting in an eerily familiar human motion.

"You're telling me" Shepard lowered the rifle enough to look over the scope, her eyebrows rising slightly "We lost you for a moment"

"Correct. When we brought this unit on board, I began a background process to search for its information on the Prothean device. This eventually triggered a trap - a backup power source and CPU activated, and the unit attempted physical confrontation. Fortunately, I was able to gain root access and repurpose it as I saw fit. During this process, it... struggled. Thus, the fire" EDI waved her arms at the black lines on the wall. The motion was exaggerated, like a small excited child telling a story "This body could accompany you to areas the Normandy cannot reach. I will run tests to ensure that it matches or exceeds the capabilities of organic squad mates"

"Oh I've seen the thing in action EDI, I'm pretty sure it matches up" Shepard relaxed now, stowing her rifle and rolling her shoulders "EDI, you can't do things like this without letting the crew know in advance, do you understand me? You could have potentially put lives in danger" Shepard felt slightly absurd talking to EDI's new body like a naughty child and she looked away, the emotionless dull eyes boring into her were unsettling "That said, if it means having full access to the Prothean data in its head. Good work"

"Commander, am I to understand that I can remain within the body and also remain in the ship?"

"Yes EDI" Shepard looked at the android and gave her a small smile "I trust you"

There was a moment of silence, as EDI tried to marry the correct physical response to the words she wished to say. A second later she was holding her hand out to Shepard, waiting for the Commander to respond. Shepard laughed and took her hand, giving it a firm shake "Thank you Commander" EDI tried to smile but didn't quite pull it off. Shepard bit her lip in an effort not to laugh.

"My first step should be restoring functionality to the Normandy to reassure the crew that all is normal. Then I will take it to the bridge. Joker will also want to see it"

"Yes, yes he will" Shepard paused "Just take it easy EDI ok? Don't be surprised if the crew is a little wary of your new body. It was shooting at them a little while ago"

"Of course commander"

* * *

The deep scar burn of pain was bleeding slowly down her leg. The blood had started coagulating, the fabric dressing sticking to her flesh, and Shepard sucked in a breath as Doctor Chakwas cut away, tugging at the sticky, coated strip.

"You have hands like a sailor!" Shepard growled, convincing herself it was just pain, and pain wasn't really important. They had told her in the N7 program, that she was physically brave, a rare and dangerous trait. Now she thought about it, the pain was easy to manage, you just had to look at it differently. She looked away from the wound and wondered where that idea had come from, and seemed to remember she'd been taught how to do this, how to look at everything as a metaphor. All things were something other than themselves. Her pain for example, was the ocean at midnight and she was adrift on it, body calm, mind a fortress. Two parts of her, separate and cut from each other "Oh fuck!" She swore, fingers tensing on the bed as she lost her mental image.

"Well Commander if you hadn't injected yourself with so much medigel on Menae, you wouldn't be in quite so much pain now" Chakwas carried on, unperturbed "There isn't enough skin to seal the largest wound Commander I'm sorry, best I can do is pack it and seal it with artificial skin weaves until it heals from beneath" she looked up, eyes apologetic "It will be painful for quite some time"

"That's nothing new" Shepard shrugged, wincing immediately as the motion jarred her leg and sent fingers of fire gouging down her thigh "Honestly I feel like I'm a hundred years old some days"

"That's not a bad feeling" Shepard and the Doctor looked up to see Liara leant in the doorway, legs crossed at the ankles, arms folded across her chest. She was giving Shepard a heated glare "Garrus told me to come find you" She pushed off from the door and stepped fully into the medical bay "How bad is it?"

"It's not that.."

"Quiet Commander" The Doctor cut her off with a menacing tone, shocking Shepard into a stunned silence "It is bad enough Liara, I've been unable to completely repair the wound, it will take time to heal "

Liara nodded, smiling at the look of complete shock on the Commanders face. She glanced around the medical office, looking from the white ceiling to the white wall and white sheets. She hadn't been in the room since joining the Normandy and hoped to have no reason to visit, but it was a foolish hope, and here she was.

Shepard was sat with her legs hanging off the side of one of the beds, her armour was discarded on the floor leaving her clad in her N7 jumpsuit, with one of the legs torn completely off. The absent material exposed a large area of damaged tissue, with several ragged scratches running from the top of Shepard's knee to almost the very top of her thigh. Liara kept watching as doctor Chakwas smeared something over the worst of the scrapes and then ran a small lamp over it, watching as steam rose up and made Shepard's nose twitch. In her heart, Liara knew this was going to be the first of many times she would see Shepard injured. There would never be a time when Shepard didn't put herself at the front, never be a moment where she put her own well being first. With a sigh she moved closer, peering down at the angry, bruised and ravaged flesh as Chakwas nodded her head, seemingly pleased with her handy work.

"Commander?" Doctor Chakwas waited for green eyes to track to her "Get out of my medical bay" she smiled to take the edge off her words and laughed as Shepard rolled her eyes.

"Yes ma'am" Shepard lowered both feet to the floor but struggled to weight bear, fighting her swimming head and the throbbing pain in her leg, she staggered, finding herself instantly steadied by warm blue hands that grabbed her shoulders.

"Hi" Shepard said, slightly dizzy from the blood she'd lost.

"Hi yourself" Liara shook her head, smiling "I'll give you hand back to your cabin Shepard"

"Ok" Shepard nodded, and threaded her arm across Liara's shoulder, letting the Asari take a lot of her weight as she limped to the door "Doctor, can you put my hard suit to one side for now, I'll..."

"Commander" Chakwas eyed the discarded suit "I'll have someone sort it out, don't worry" she waved at Shepard as Liara turned them around and hobbled out into the crew deck. A few people were eating at the mess and made a conscious effort not to stare as the two of them shuffled past.

"How are you feeling Shepard?" Liara asked, squeezing Shepard's side lightly, her thumb tracing idle patterns on her back as they walked.

"Pretty good right about now" Shepard blew a strand of hair off her face as they reached the lift. Inside she took the opportunity to relieve some of the pressure from Liara, leaning her weight against the wall until they exited outside her quarters. The journey from the med bay had been almost silent and now they stood, face to face. It would have been awkward to anyone else.

"You're sure you're alright?" Liara stepped closer, her eyes scanning the wound on Shepard's leg.

"Honestly, I'm fine, a scratch is the least of my problems right now" Shepard hopped a little, running her fingers through her hair in a gesture that screamed frustration "You heard that the Primarch wants me to broker a treaty with the Turians and Krogans?" Liara nodded "How do I do that Liara?"

"We will start at the bottom, start with Wrex and go from there" Liara spoke as if it was obvious "something will come from that Shepard, I know of no one else in the galaxy that could do such a thing"

"Yeah" Shepard sighed and cast her eyes up "I've been hearing that a lot lately"

"People have a faith in you Shepard, that is not a bad thing"

"Really?"

"I think you've earned it"

"What if I can't" she made a mad gesture with her hands, as if reaching for something "Make it happen?"

"Is that what has been bothering you Shepard, you're worried you'll fail?" Liara's heart clenched as tormented green eyes met hers. Shepard had no idea how expressive her eyes were, how much of herself she let slip through in the simplest of looks. Those eyes were anguished now and filled with something Liara had never seen there before.

"I am terrified" Shepard let her hands fall to her sides as she studied Liara's face "That I'll fall beneath the standards I've set for myself and worse, those that humanity has the right to expect from me. I can't do this and be the Commander Shepard people expect me to be" Her voice was so distant, gaze so achingly hollow "If this war doesn't cost me my life Liara, I think it might well cost me my soul"

Liara moved forward, wrapping her arms around Shepard, embracing her, careful not to knock her off balance "Never your soul Shepard I can promise you that" She breathed in the scent of her.

"How can you be so sure?" A tiny question, spoken like a child.

"Because I'm going to be guarding it" She felt Shepard smile against her neck, felt the woman in her arms relax as she let out a long breath. After a moment she pulled back.

"Stay with me?" Shepard asked, her eyes full of need and lazy desire.

Liara's breath caught as her stomach tightened and suddenly there was a small smile on her face. She might have shaken her head just a fraction "No" She lifted her hand to Shepard's face, ran a thumb across her cheek and traced a line of freckles, lingering on a light, faded scar "You need to rest Shepard, your injured, your body full of drugs" she said after a pause "Sleep tonight, heal and I'll see you in the morning" she placed the gentlest of chaste kisses on the Commanders lips, her body and mind aching for more.

"I'll hold you to that" Shepard shighed, took a wobbly step backwards and turned, activating the door with a swipe of her hand. She stepped into her quarters and listened for the door close, not looking back.

Once she'd manoeuvred through her cabin, she threw herself onto the bed, flinging her arms and legs out in a star and fought against the memory of Liara being there. The force of the memory, of them lying huddled together, body into body in whatever arrangement it might have been from night to night was the only warmth she could cling to right now. She rolled onto her side and laughed at the thought, _her side_, but it was a form of habit which drove her over and she lay, slumped down in the bed, letting the piled bedclothes submerge her like some drift, and there she slept, her right hand under her pillow, left splayed out to the empty bed beside her.


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard took a deep breath and looked around. Wrex was looking at her, but every so often his small reptilian eyes would flitter between her and the Dalatrass. Victus didn't look surprised and took the request easily, his stature one of relaxed composure.

"Cure the Genophage?" Shepard asked, one eyebrow raised "I'm guessing you have something Wrex?" The big Krogan's lips pulled back in what might have been a smile.

"Oh I have something Shepard" He walked to the head of the table, the floor rattling with every footstep "There was a Salarian scientist Malin, who grew a conscious, started working on a cure"

"I remember him, his methods were barbaric" Shepard commented.

"But what you don't know was that some of his tests were successful" small, stumpy fingers played across the console and a hazy video of a science station flicked to life. Capsules filled with Krogran lined the walls as Salarians walked past, omni tools and data pads in hands "But then an STG team abducted them" Wrex snarled, his voice barely above a growl.

"Is this true?" Victus was shocked.

"That's a lie! It could be a fabrication!" The Dalatrass squealed but her body language betrayed her.

"Those are my people!" Wrex bellowed "They are immune to the Genophage and you will give them back!"

"Well how will curing the Genophage help my people?" The Dalatrass stuttered.

Shepard shook her head and waved a hand to angrily silence the Salarian "How long do you think the Salarians will last when the Reapers get to you? You need us Dalatrass, you need to release the females"

"Or I'll be the last friendly Turian you ever see" Victus muttered.

There was silence in the room as the Dalatrass rubbed her head, her posture one of agitation as she shifted from foot to foot. Wrex started to growl.

"The females are being held at an STG base on Sur'Kesh" The Dalatrass spoke slowly, but the volume increased as the room began to empty "I warn you Commander, a bully has no friends when they need them most!"

"Who gives a shit" Shepard mumbled just out of ear shot. Beside her Wrex laughed, his anger already subsiding as he bought a massive palm down on her shoulder.

"I knew you'd come through!" His deep timbre tickled her ears.

"We've got a lot to do yet Wrex, don't get ahead of yourself" Shepard walked into the CIC, smiling a little as Traynor's eyes widened at the big Krogan "Get ready to go, me and my team will meet you in the shuttle bay" Wrex nodded and stomped away "And Wrex?" small red eyes tracked to her "keep a cool head on for this yeah?"

A massive bellowing laugh reverberated around the CIC "I always do!"

* * *

Liara pressed a button on the wrist of her hard suit and a green light flashed, reassuring her of its stability. She could hear some rattling projectile fire from further down the balcony, and then the distant thud of a heavy exploding round. She peered from behind the wall and then ran, keeping low, to the narrow entrance of a stairwell half covered by toppled plant containers and mossy growth. She was kneeling now, squinting through a thin film of smoke as she navigated the stairs, pistol held low. She'd been separated from Garrus and Shepard when a window had blown out and sent her flying backwards over the balcony. She had broken the impact of her fall by a biotic field but all she could get on her comm. system was static, leaving her following a trail of destruction and bodies in the hope of tracking them down.

At the top of the stairs she rounded the corner, navigating over splinters of wood and fragments of rock from a destroyed wall. Suddenly a thick bellow of smoke erupted all around her and she coughed violently, checking her pistol was ready to fire at the same time. Moving forward she staggered over some debris, stumbling as she put her hand out and jarred her arm on the low balcony next to her. Recovering her balance and shaking her jarred arm she continued forward, wondering at the origin of the smoke, cursing as she didn't see the Centurion until his pale, yellow helmet turned towards her, along with his gun.

Liara threw herself to one side, against the wall to her left and fired her gun from the hip at the same time. The Centurions rifle jerked upwards and let loose a stream of rapid fire at the ceiling as he staggered back. Liara let the biotic field build up in her hand, concentrating on the feel of it around her fingers before ducking from behind cover and releasing it on the soldier watching as he slumped to the floor.

She shuffled forward, squatting down next to the crumpled body, keeping her gun tracked on it. When she was satisfied she stood up and moved forward, trying all the time not to cough as the smoke grazed her throat and made her eyes water. She wasn't sure but in the distance, through the smog, she could see shadowy figures moving and the sound of rapid gun fire. In the chaos she heard a voice shout. She strained to hear it again but then plasma and projector fire erupted from down the balcony. She ducked her head and in the lull heard an ominous click behind her.

Liara spun around, tightening her finger on the trigger, but a firm grasp caught her by the arm and her body relaxed, knowing instantly who it was before her eyes could confirm it. Shepard wrenched her around and spun her against the wall, pressing into her, one hand firmly splayed against her waist, the other on her pistol. Liara was momentarily stunned as the Commander filled her vision, crushing into her and gesturing her to stay quite as she scanned the smoke with her gaze.

Shepard's breath was hot on her neck, thigh tight into her crotch as she held her in place. Liara swallowed and closed her eyes as a stab of desired pierced her, realising she hadn't been in such an intimate position with Shepard since before the Alpha relay. Shepard's face was flushed, covered with a film of perspiration and her eyes were wild, pupils dilated. She chewed her lip as she peered through the smoke, the fingers spread out on Liara's waist twitched and clenched.

"Centurions" Shepard breathed into her ear, pushing harder against her, fusing their bodies as one of the soldiers walked past.

It occurred to Liara that Shepard was completely ignorant of the effect she was having on her and as another solider wandered past, Shepard finally relaxed, pushing back and leaving Liara rigid against the wall.

"You hurt?" Shepard asked, nothing but the professional solider "You went over the balcony hard, had me worried" She ran her fingers through sweat matted hair, green eyes examining every trace of Liara's face, leaving pulses of electricity in their wake.

"No I'm fine" Liara checked her pistol as a distraction, avoiding making eye contact. Her hands were trembling.

"You are a terrible liar" Shepard said.

"No I'm fine, a little shaken but I'm not hurt Shepard" Liara shook her head "Honest" she took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. She was far from injured.

"Follow me, Garrus is just ahead" Shepard indicated a path through the balcony with a tilt of her head.

Liara nodded and followed Shepard, focusing her mind on the task at hand and ignoring the ache in her stomach. They passed through more areas of destruction, eventually emerging in a clearing. The lift containing Mordin and the female Krogan sat waiting, Garrus was perched on a plant container, sniper rifle raised, scanning the rooftops.

"Awaiting final release Shepard" Mordin sounded over the intercom.

Shepard nodded and made her way over to the console, keying in the release and tracking the movement of the containment cell as it lifted the female above them.

"Head's up Shepard!" Wrex's dull tone ground over the radio, the urgency in it terrifying "You got incoming!"

Shepard looked up, confused for a minute until she saw the massive silhouette of some type of mech falling from the sky. It impacted behind her, the force sending her and Liara to the floor.

"Protect the Female Shepard!" Mordin shouted, kicking the door "The door is stuck!"

The mech seemed to unfold, large mechanical limbs unfurling as it whirred to its full height, guns rotating. Its left arm rose, releasing a lazy bout of missile fire that sent Shepard skidding for cover. The thing twisted _female acquired_ came the tinny, mechanised voice as it took rattling, clunking steps towards the Krogan.

"Shepard I can't land until you deal with that thing!" Wrex yelled.

"I hear you" Shepard peered out from her cover, catching sight of Liara off to her left and Garrus just next to her.

"Then deal with it!" His voice was a roar.

Shepard crouched down on her haunches behind cover, hands clasped around the pistol, eyes staring out at the distant mech. She popped out, fired two shots and ducked back.

"Liara!" She shouted "Take his shield down" Liara nodded "Garrus you line up for the pilot, when I get the glass down, take that bastard out"

"You got it!" It looked like Garrus was smiling.

Liara closed her mind to everything but the effort of her biotics. Shepard new that overloading shields was not her speciality, and it took all her concentration to make her biotic field form and grow. Chaos seemed to reign around her as the mech fired projectile rounds at them. Shepard was laying down heavy fire on it, her gun muzzle flashing as she crouched. Garrus lined up shot after shot, eating away at the shields before until Liara could take them down.  
She looked at her hand, the unfamiliar blue crackle of electricity flying over her fingers and burning up through her skull and behind her eyes. She waited, held onto the power for as long as she could, making sure the release would be explosive.

"You're getting old Shepard! Take that thing down!" Wrex sounded out again, voice laced with impatience.

Liara took that as her cue and stood up; releasing a massive blast of biotic energy that sent ripples of blue fire over the mech's surface.

"Goddess.." she breathed, looking down at her hand and swaying, her biotic's completely drained.

She heard Shepard's triumphant yell as her first pistol shot hit its mark, causing a thick crack in the casing of the mech.

Liara was about to smile but the mech was reacting, lowering to the ground and pulling its arm back, its aim focused on Shepard. The missile release came as a surprise and Shepard had nowhere to run. A look of pure shock graced Shepard's face as the missile exploded half a meter in front of her face, stopped dead by a massive wave of glorious purple shielding that could only have come from one place.

"Self destruct!" Garrus shouted, jumping down from his perch and sprinting to a low wall - the only slither of meagre cover. Shepard and Liara followed him as the Mech began to shudder and creak. A loud boom washed over them followed by a crash as shrubbery and rock impacted the walls. Bits of plant matter floated past them as a few flames licked the floor where the Mech had been.

Liara stood up on shaky legs. Her head hurt and she inelegantly snorted back a nose bleed, wiping the blood on the back of her hand as she fought to keep a wave of nausea at bay.

Shepard jogged over to the lift, releasing Mordin as Cortez flew in overhead. Wrex didn't wait for the shuttle to land, he jumped from the door and walked over to the female Krogan.

Liara watched the exchange but wasn't paying attention, her nose was still bleeding and her hand was sore. She looked down at her fingers, wiggling them each individually.

"Thank you" Liara looked up to see Shepard staring at her.

"You don't have to thank me Shepard" Liara snapped feeling annoyed at the gratitude.

"Well, I have" A shrug was the only accompaniment to the Commander turning away.

Shepard didn't really understand the hostility from Liara and she didn't have time to think about it as two heavy shotgun blasts broke her reverie.

The female Krogan handed the shotgun back to Wrex and walked off towards the shuttle. Shepard would have laughed but the gurgling cough of one of the dying Cerberus soldiers caught her attention. Walking over to the crumpled and bloody heap she pulled her gun, looking down dispassionately at the blood bubbling from beneath the helmet.

"What were Cerberus doing here" She kicked the soldier "What were you looking for?"

The groan of a dying man was her only answer "What a mess" Shepard fired one round into the skull of the man, the rear of his helmet erupting in a red cloud. She thought it might have looked cruel but he was dying, chocking on his own blood and suffocating, a bullet was kinder "What a fucking, obscene, stupid mess" She looked up at her crew, waiting by the shuttle and shook her head, thinking the same thing again.

* * *

Shepard kept her head down, booted feet on the seat opposite. Her jacket hung on the back of her chair.

"Me" She said, and took another drink from her small glass.

"You?" Wrex's throaty bellow echoed out as he slapped the table, sending Garrus scurrying to catch his drink.

She nodded slowly, looking down at her hands where they were clasped around her drink and nested between her thighs. She burped "Yup"

"I'd give it fifty fifty" Garrus said, tapping her booted feet with the toes of his own as he laughed.

"What? No chance!" Wrex poked a stubby finger at her "You humans are squishy" he mimed a crushing motion with both hands.

Shepard shrugged, then laughed, waving one hand from side to side "Only a little"

"I've seen less squishy Salarians than you Shepard!" Wrex laughed, a great bellowing howl as he slapped the table again.

Shepard grinned at that. While Eve, the female Krogan was being examined by Mordin, the three of them had decided to get some post battle relaxation in the mess. Although reluctant at first, Shepard had squared her kit away, spoken to Admiral Hackett and found herself with a few absent moments to pass. How they had ended up drinking Krogan brandy was another question.

"I don't know" Garrus mused, folding his hands behind his head and leaning back on the chair next to Shepard "Shepard would definitely have speed and agility on her side" his mandibles flexed in what Shepard had always judged to be the human equivalent of a smirk "And brains" he snickered.

"Are you calling me stupid Vakarian?" Wrex looked massively round the table, lips pulling back in a terrifying visage of a smile "I'll have you know I..." he paused and stood up suddenly "Liara! Join us?" he shouted at Liara as she walked past, indicating the free chair between himself and Shepard.

Shepard gave the Asari a small smile and jerked her head towards them. Truth is she was puzzled as to where Liara had vanished to once they'd gotten back on the Normandy.

"Wrex" Liara walked over, nodding at Wrex as he manhandled her into the free chair "Isn't it a little early in the day for.." She leant over and picked up the bottle of bright red spirit "Krogan brandy?" Her voice was incredulous as she looked at Shepard.

"Never too early Liara, you should know that!" Garrus replied.

"Ah" Wrex grabbed a free glass and poured a healthy measure in, pushing it along the table to where Liara sat "It's a crime not to share a drink with such a beautiful Asari"

"Did he just say beautiful?" Garrus whispered to Shepard.

"You are too kind Wrex" Liara accepted the drink, sniffing it once before downing the entire glass.

"And talkative" Shepard muttered.

"What was that?" Wrex growled.

"Nothing"

"Now Liara is here, she gets a vote" Garrus said brightly.

"I'm not entirely sure I like the sound of that" Liara replied cautiously "What exactly am I voting on?" She looked at Wrex as he refilled her glass again, this time with a little more brandy than before.

"I asked them to suggest one person in the galaxy who could beat me in a fight!" Wrex spread his arms wide and gave her a massive grin "Commander Shepard over there suggested herself and I disagreed. Garrus being the typical Turian, said fifty fifty!"

"I prefer the term diplomatic Wrex"

"Whatever Vakarian"

Liara laughed "Your being serious?" she looked at Wrex who was beaming happily in his presumed victory.

"It would have to be the Commander" Liara replied, covering her mouth with her hand as Wrex spat his brandy over the table.

"What?" Wrex grumbled "Well you would say that wouldn't you? You're.."

"Wrex" Shepard gave him a steely toned warning but the big Krogan just grinned.

"Anyway" Wrex coughed, wiping his face on the back of his arm as he stood up "I think it's time for a victory song" He stood shakily, teetering and almost falling backwards. He put one hand on his chest and held the other out towards Liara "Oh Tuchanka you bore us weeeeeeeell"

" Christ" Shepard threw her forearm over her eyes "Garrus shut him up, throw something at him"

"Like what?" Garrus looked around "My ears!"

"Oh Tuchankaaaaaaa oh thank you!" The tone deaf warbling roar went on "You make us strooooong"

Liara tried hard not to laugh as she reached over and filled Wrex's empty glass to the top. The big Krogan noticed the gesture and almost immediately stopped singing, throwing himself down into the chair and supping happily on the brandy.

"Krogan custom" Liara shrugged at the faces Garrus and Shepard were pulling "Singing if their glass is empty"

"I'd say that was odd, but with that voice it guarantees you never have an empty glass Wrex!" Garrus necked his own drink and slammed it down on the table, shaking his head.

Shepard smiled, content and a little more light headed than she ought to be. Maybe it was because she had an empty stomach. Had she had breakfast? In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she had eaten.

The four of them were sitting in companionable silence and Shepard took a moment to look round, to really look at her ramshackle crew for the first time in a long time. If you would have told her ten years ago she'd be sat sharing victory drinks with a Krogan, Turian and an Asari she would have laughed, but here she was, attempting to lead these people. She sighed, tilted her head back, letting a trickle of thick brandy slide down her throat and tried not to think too much about the future and the members of the crew she would no doubt loose in the fights still to come. _Maybe_ she thought _they would be better off that way _instead of becoming husks or having to witness the end of days, the destruction of home and death of family. Then she caught herself. She couldn't think like that, had to stop thinking like that, it wasn't right. No one should look at death like that, like it was an escape. She cursed the alcohol, she always got morose when she drank.

"Are you alright Shepard?" Liara asked, catching the thoughtful frown on the Commanders face.

Liara was another thing adding to her melancholy mood. She looked at the Asari and nodded, noting how tired she looked. Shepard had no idea what was between them or where they were, she thought she knew, but then Liara had turned her away, hurt her pride and left her confused and out of control. Shepard hated being out of control.

A timid looking crew man approached from behind Wrex, holding a data pad nervously to his chest as though it was a shield. He came up to the Commander and coughed nervously.

"Um, Commander Shepard?" he said.

"Yes" she replied, staring rather blearily at the young man.

"Specialist Traynor asked me if she could see you in the CIC"

"Why didn't Specialist Traynor just call me over the comm?" Shepard frowned.

"I don't think she wanted to interrupt Ma'am" The young man spluttered.

"And this isn't interrupting?" Liara added.

"Alright" Shepard waved her hand and stood up, stretching her hands out above her head and groaning "Tell her I'll be up in a minute"

"Yes ma'am" The crew man scurried backwards, retreating towards the lift.

"Don't drink too much guys" Shepard added as she grabbed her jacked and moved away from the table.

"Not a problem Shepard, I think Wrex is dead" Garrus added, nodding at the Krogan who was sat, head tilted back, mouth wide open, eyes closed.

Shepard smiled, and strode away from them, giving Liara's shoulder a gentle squeeze as she went past.

"Another drink Doctor?" Garrus leant over and retrieved the nearly empty bottle from Wrex's loose grip.

"Why not?" Liara sighed as she watched Shepard walk away.

"Why not indeed"


	6. Chapter 6

Shepard couldn't pinpoint a time in her life where she had been angrier than this. The lights in the war room flickered as she walked past, her mind turning over what the Dalatrass had just said. She had a horrible nagging anxiousness at the danger involved in her situation, the danger of the choice she had to make. She had reached that awful cross road of choosing what she felt was the right thing in her heart, and doing what was right for the war effort. Reaching down, her hand gripped the console ledge and stiffened, the knuckles turning white as she grit her teeth thinking of Wrex and Eve.

"Commander the shuttle is waiting for you" Joker's voice sounded over the intercom.

"I know" She snapped, regretting it instantly "On my way"

"Yes Commander"

She felt like a great fire was raging within her as she ran over the scenarios available to her, judging the possibilities and weighing the outcomes. She shut her eyes and sighed, her crew, the people she trusted, Liara, they would never understand that she would have to choose the harder path.

* * *

They manoeuvred through the echoing tunnel for some time, going downwards in what felt like a straight line but actually might have been a wide spiral. It was an odd sensation as Shepard stepped over mounds of old plant material, the light from her rifle bouncing off the walls. It was as if there was no longer any ground underfoot; only a soft layer of dead, soft moss and sand. It was a landscape in which great holes had been cut into rock and huge boulders deliberately placed. Some of the holes lengthened to tunnels and dropped into deeper, darker layers further down, while others narrowed and doubled back, and throughout the bewildering three-dimensional maze great old dead roots ran, undulating across the rock like massive blood vessels standing out on the skin of some enormous animal.

The ground shook violently and Shepard braced herself against the wall, chips of rock and debris bouncing off her shoulders.

"Wrex are you guys feeling those tremors?" She glanced behind her to Vega and Liara, both stood braced against the wall.

"No Shepard, we got nothing where we are" Wrex replied through the static.

"It could be something else Commander" Eve's voice sounded through the comm "It is said that Kalros, the mother of all Thresher Maw's lives in this region"

Shepard froze. _The mother of all Thresher Maws _she considered the image in her head and it terrified her, making her legs turn to rubber, her blood to liquid oxygen. She felt suddenly lost, immersed in a deeper darkness than she had ever known. With no way out.

"Wrex" Her voice thundered out, laced with venom "You knew this and you didn't tell me?"

"Shepard I..."

"I'm going to rip your fucking head off" Her voice was unnervingly calm "I'm going to make you regret the day you ever met me"

Silence greeted her as another tremor rippled beneath them.

"Commander?" Vega shone his light at Shepard "Everything alright?" His face was puzzled.

"I hate Thresher Maw's" Shepard shook her head and started moving forward "I've had some shitty moments in my career Vega. But being stuck in a nest of Thresher Maw's while my company dissolved in acid around me, is probably the worst of them"

Vega just mouthed the word 'oh' and fell in beside her.

"I hope he doesn't think I'm joking" Shepard muttered.

"Oh I don't think he does" Liara added, her heart going out to Shepard.

They kept moving, mindful of the ground moving beneath them, until eventually they started going up. At the top of a flight of stairs Shepard finally emerged in the ruddy sunlight. She cast her gaze along the view and was actually surprised. A great square was laid out before them, with ruins and broken statues jutting out of the rocks like angry teeth. She had always found the atmosphere on Tuchanka difficult. It gave the impression that you were out in the open air, but the heavy clouds and whirling winds made it perpetually dull and oppressive. The air here, in the ruins actually felt a little cold and the lightening was there, far off in the distance like it always was, seemingly half above and half beneath the cloud cover. She stood there, catching her breath and waited for another flash, looking out as the light revealed part of the clearing in front of her; a half glimpsed jumble of geometric shapes in the rock that curved away beneath them. And there had been something else half glimpsed, to her right and level with her only a few meters away. A figure, a person. She jumped.

"Shepard?" she heard Liara whisper, uncertain.

"Statue" Shepard muttered, pointing her rifle at the half collapsed figure next to them. She was jumpy but something caught her eye "Is that the colour green?" he voice incredulous.

"Well I'll be damned" Vega grinned, bending over and peering down at the little plant growing in the cracks beneath them.

"That is hope Commander" Eve whispered to her and Shepard smiled at the fact Wrex had chosen not to speak.

"When I was younger" Liara spoke aloud as she joined Vega in examining the plant "I would have loved this place"

Shepard looked out at the sky line and frowned as a thick trail of smoke fell from the sky, hurtling towards them "We've got incoming" Sheapard shouted even as the earth twisted and turned beneath her "And I think you were right about Kalros" she spoke into her comm set.

"Well we've an idea about that.." Wrex's voice trailed off and Shepard swallowed a feeling of dread "Head to the bridge Shepard, we'll pick you up there" a click and Wrex's voice went silent.

"OK" Shepard spoke to Liara and Vega, watching as a handful of Cannibals wandered out of the smoke "stay close, pick your shots and let's make it to the bridge quickly" Both of them nodded in reply, falling in behind Shepard as she picked her way down a low set of stairs in front of them.

* * *

"So, Kalros?" Shepard stowed her rifle and approached Wrex, Eve and Mordin. She wiped the sweat from her brow, leaving a smear of dirt in its place.

"I know the odds don't normally mean much to us" Liara spoke as she moved forward, head tiled up towards the Reaper that dominated the sky "But I don't think even we can make it to that tower"

"That thing is huge" Vega muttered, checking over his rifle as he pulled alongside Liara.

"Speaking of Kalros" Wrex muttered moving closer to Shepard, mindful of her anger "Eve has had an idea" he glanced at the female Krogan next to him.

"Kalros" Eve spoke slowly "we will summon her to the Reaper"

There was a moment of stunned silence before Shepard began to laugh, the pure hysteria in the laugh unnerving even Wrex "Of course" Shepard giggled "That's just what I was thinking, what, shall I just go up and ask her?"

"We have already discussed the plan Shepard" Mordin clicked through something on his omni tool "Plan is feasible, we just need to distract Reaper while we access the tower and the cure is synthesized"

"What makes you sure she will come?" Shepard sighed, resigning herself to the path laid out before her.

"Legend has it that all other Thresher Maws are born from Kalros" Eve looked at Wrex "This is as much her home as ours"

"If Tuchanka has a temper, she is it" Wrex might have been smiling "No one has ever faced her and survived"

"Oh" Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose and stepped towards Wrex. Her head hurt and there was a dull ache in her thigh "Wrex I've taken some risks in my time, but this? This sounds crazy"

"And going head to head with Sovereign didn't?" Wrex jerked his finger at her "This is the only way to get to that tower!"

"Commander, the tower is built in an arena dedicated to Kalros. There are two Maw hammers there, the biggest in existence" Eve looked at Shepard as she spoke "If you can activate them, she will come, and that should distract the Reaper"

"That's a pretty big if" Vega mumbled, his eyes glancing from the Reaper to Wrex.

"In the mean time I can use the nearby laboratory to finish synthesizing the cure" Mordin sounded far too cheery as he walked past.

Shepard had a dull ache of anticipation wrapped around a knot of fear in her belly "Well" she looked out at the Reaper "We're going to have one hell of a story to tell if it works" she turned but her forward momentum was stopped as Wrex grabbed her shoulder.

"Wait" He stuttered a little, unsure "Shepard I want you to know, that no matter what happens here, you've been a champion to the Krogan people, a friend of clan Urdnot" He paused "And a sister to me. From this day forward to every Krogan born, the name Shepard will mean hero" he reached for her, pulling her into a massive hug that threatened to break her bones. Shepard couldn't breathe under the weight of her responsibility and she cough, plastering a fake smile on her face as Wrex put her back down.

"Stay alive Shepard" Mordin added from somewhere behind her.

"See you on the other side" Shepard said.

* * *

Shepard heard Vega shout as the Reapers Massive beam passed behind them. It wasn't a nice sound. A thick bubbling roar that made her gut clench. Bits of rock flew into the air as the bridge collapsed, crashing into the ground around her as she went spinning down, hurtling at break neck speed towards the ground. Everything was roaring now and her ears popped painfully. She grunted and twisted onto her back looking down at the length of the bridge still left to slide down. A spray of shale flicked up in to her face as she bounced down, her whole body shaking, teeth and vision jarring. She hit the last lip and somersaulted into the air, tumbling in a heap on the ground. She might have passed out, she wasn't sure. With a grunt she stood up, raising her hand against falling debris.

"Everyone alright?" she shouted.

"I think so" Liara replied, and Shepard closed her eyes in relief.

"My arm is fucked!" Vega yelled, standing up and clutching his left arm to his chest. A stream of blood leaked over the surface of his suit, but he looked aware and otherwise unhurt.

"How bad?" Shepard walked over and examined his arm.

"I still got my shooting arm" He waved his rifle and gave her a crooked smile but there was a lot of blood.

Shepard nodded and turned around "God help us" she looked straight into the eye of a Reaper.

"Did we just get shot by a Reaper?" Liara whispered to herself.

Shepard surveyed the scene before her. Reaper ground forces filled the ground between them and the hammers, and pockets of smoke and fire indicated even more landing every minute.

"We have to get those hammers down" Shepard took her rifle off and handed it Liara along with a handful of spare thermal clips.

"What's this?" She frowned at Shepard.

"Cover me"

"What?"

"Cover me"

"You can't be serious?" Liara asked, horrified.

"Vega can't make it, he's injured, I can't leave one of you behind" Shepard was busy unclipping some of the heavy plates from her shoulders "I'd say we could split up, I'll take one, you take the other, but that leaves Vega a sitting duck" She dropped her two shoulder plates to the floor and bent over to unclip the ones on her knees "If I go, you two take position here, draw their fire, give me as much cover as you can" when she was happy, she stood up and rolled her shoulders, gave a little jump and nodded.

"Shepard you won't make it" Liara shook her head.

"I'm pretty fast Liara" She pointed at the discarded plates on the floor "Offers a little less protection but makes running easier, I'll take my pistol" She looked out at the sea of death and misery that awaited her "I'll make it. Besides, I'm not asking and this is not a suggestion" She hated to take that tone with Liara of all people but there was no other way.

"Commander I can still fight" Vega stepped forward. He looked pale.

"I know, that's why you're staying here to take the weight of fire" Shepard tossed him a thermal clip "Aim for the big ones" Shepard pointed out two areas on the field on the left "I'm going left first, go for the Brutes and Ravagers" she spoke while checking her pistol. When she was happy she looked up at Liara and her stomach clenched "I'll be fine"

"The last time you gave me an order like that Shepard, you died" Liara looked away.

"Here" Shepard walked up to her but the Asari kept her head bent "Liara" Shepard put her hand under Liara's chin and gently pushed, forcing her head up, forcing Liara to look at her "That's not going to happen ok?"

Liara stood very still, struggling to express emotions she barely understood herself "Ok" she swallowed and stepped backwards, breaking the contact "Just hurry up Shepard"

Shepard turned around and didn't give too much thought to what she was doing, she just ran. She ran down through the broken fragments of the bridge and dodged between two Cannibals. She heard the thud of rifle fire as Vega and Liara took them down and a wash of black ichor splashed across her face. She jumped over a low wall and fired her pistol in the face of a husk.

Sprinting up a small flight of stairs she spotted the hammer and ran towards it, cutting through a line of husks as rifle fire shot through the air. When she got to the hammer she slammed her fist down but didn't hang about. She span and sprinted forward, already catching sight of the other hammer, half way across the square the ground shook and Shepard skidded, rolling forward, only just avoiding being speared by the leg of the Reaper. She staggered and fell, collapsing to one knee and taking a deep racking breath.

"Fuck" Shepard looked up, realising she was in the shadow of the Reaper. She lumbered to her feet and ran, terror suddenly clogging her throat, her legs aching. She was only a few meters away from the second hammer when she slipped, fell to her hands and knees and tumbled over, wincing as chips of rock embedded themselves in her palms. Getting up, she made one huge lunge and bought her fist onto the hammer.

The sound was massive and she covered her ears with both hands, wincing. The Reaper reacted immediately, twisting and rotating to face the tower. Making use of the distraction, Shepard sprinted back the way she came, yelling and waving at her team.

"Go, get back to the trucks, I'll take care of the cure!" She felt, more than saw Kalros approach. It was a dull hissing sound that seemed to grow around her. She kept running, kept focused on where she was going, blocking out everything else until suddenly a rain of debris was falling around her and a dark, brown blue curve broached from the earth. Rivers of sand and soil cascaded around her as the Thresher Maw sprung from the ground, its giant questing mouth lifting towards the Reaper.

The two titans came together in a crash of metal and flesh that churned the rock up beneath her. She scrambled, pushing herself against a wall and covering her head, trying to push down a primal terror and experience borne fear that had her locked to the spot. The only thing she wanted right now was an escape, an exit, any exit that would get her away from the hissing, slithering sound of the Thresher Maw.

When the ground stopped shaking she sprinted for the tower, not pausing to even glance at the two monsters battling in the sand. A voice sounded in her ear but all she could hear was the sound of her own blood as she concentrated on running, needing the action to distract her from the fear. In her mind she knew she was missing something monumental but she didn't care and as she skidded through the door to the tower and sagged, thinking of nothing but the fatigue and the sound and the terror.

"Shepard!" Mordin shouted up to her, his voice frantic as his fingers moved over the console "The cure is ready, loaded for dispersal in two minutes!"

Shepard jogged over to him, her breathing still laboured "Eve?" she gasped.

"Procedure was traumatic but she did survive" he paused "Headed for safety now"

A chunk of the ceiling impacted behind them and Shepard looked up at the newly opened hole.

"Mordin listen to me" Shepard stepped close to the scientist "The Dalatrass contacted me before we left" she swallowed as Mordin's head jerked toward her, eyes piercing "The tower has been sabotaged, the cure won't work without intervention"

"Shepard" Mordin looked at her "You should have said something sooner. Fortunately I am familiar with STG work, I can compensate. Control room at top of shroud tower, must take elevator up"

"You can't go up there" Shepard scoffed.

"I must" Mordin was already heading for the elevator, his hands playing over his omni tool "Manual access is required to counter the sabotage and ensure the cure disperses"

"Mordin the damn tower is coming apart, there has to be another way!"

"There is none" he feel silent, head tilted to the ground "No, no other option, not coming back, I suggest you get clear" he walked away.

"Mordin no" Shepard moved towards him, knowing her confession had killed him.

"Shepard please, need to do this, my project, my work, my cure, my responsibility."

"Fuck!" Shepard yelled, kicking out at the console in pure frustration "I'm sorry" is all she could say.

"Don't be, I'm not, had to be me" She stepped into the elevator and closed the door "Someone else might have gotten it wrong"

Shepard watched as the elevator shot up and out of sight, her gaze lingering even as the ceiling collapsed around her.

"Shepard, Mordin come on!" Wrex sounded in her ear.

Shepard shook her head and jogged outside, watching at the lead truck opened and Wrex offered his hand "Where's the Pyjack?" he grunted.

"Not coming" Shepard replied, yanking the door shut "The tower was sabotaged, he had to stay and fix it manually" she looked away "Now get us the hell out of here!"

* * *

"Sabotage?" Wrex paced around the big hall, his footsteps echoing on the hollow floor "That two bit slimy double crossing..." He raged " And you?!" He grabbed Shepard by the bicep and spun her, his fist already half cocked as he punched her square in the face "You should have told me!"

Shepard stumbled away, her hands going to her face in a wasted effort to stop the blood streaming. Leaning over, she coughed and spat blood onto the floor.

"Wrex!" Eve shouted.

"S'ok" Shepard coughed, waving her away "Would it have changed anything Wrex?" She paused "You trust me don't you?" She wiped sticky blood on her leg "I mean it's not like I'd send you up against the mother of all Thresher Maws without telling you, is it?"

Wrex looked at her, his anger subsiding "Put it that way" he shrugged.

"Commander" Eve spoke softly "I'm sorry about Mordin"

"Don't be" Shepard's voice was thick as blood clogged her nose "He wouldn't have it any other way, saw it as his responsibility"

"Shepard" Wrex looked at her "I'll have solider sent to Palaven straight away" he smiled "And when you're ready to kick the Reapers off earth, I'll be there"

Shepard reached out and shook his hand "You better be, don't go dying on me Wrex"

His laugh was massive "No chance of that" he slapped her on the back and sent her flying forward.

"Squishy Wrex, remember" Shepard staggered and shook her head, trying to smile at the big Krogan. She gave him a last wave and headed out to the trucks, her leg and heart aching.

* * *

**Thanks for the feedback so far and the follows, Ive got another chapter ready to go but then im moving house so might be slow for a week or two. Hope people are actually enjoying the story so far :)**


	7. Chapter 7

Shepard shook her head and bought her hand up to her nose, wiggling the tip experimentally. She gasped with pain.

"Shit" Grimacing into the mirror she sighed. Cloudy green shined back from two impressive black eyes. She snorted back a mixture of blood and warm water spiting it out into the sud filled, red flecked basin. When she was happy, she moved from the washroom and into the cabin proper, throwing herself down into the chair by her console.

Garrus had told her to get some sleep "EDI"

"Yes Commander" The melodic tones rang out in her room.

"Can you forward me the latest casualty reports from earth?"

"Yes Commander, forwarding them to your console now, anything else Commander?"

"No EDI, that's it"

Shepard turned the screen on and accessed the reports, her eyes going wide as the list of names started scrolling before her. She watched for a moment before the volume overwhelmed her and she turned the screen off. With a sigh she made her way to the bed and lay down, her eyes falling shut as she thought of Mordin and all the other people lost to war so far.

* * *

"Joker" EDI glanced across at the pilot sat next to her.

"Yeah?" He answered distractedly.

"I have a question to ask you"

"Another?" He sighed and looked at her, taking his cap off and scratching his head "What is it?"

"It is about Commander Shepard" EDI paused "I do not wish to impede upon the Commanders privacy but something is troubling me"

"What is it?"

"I am picking up some disturbing noises from her cabin"

"Whoa whoa" Joker waved his hands and shoved his cap back on "Whatever goes on it that room stays in that room"

EDI keyed something into the console and a wailing scream rang out in the cockpit. Joker jumped, his face a mix of horror and shock as he cut the audio.

"Christ" He ran his fingers through his beard.

"Commander Shepard is asleep, but am I correct in assuming this is not a normal human reaction to sleeping?" EDI looked at him.

"No no, it's not" Joker tapped a button on his chair "Liara?"

There was a few seconds of quiet "Yes Joker what is it?" she sounded tired.

"There's a problem with Commander Shepard, can you go to her cabin please?"

"What?" Alarm coloured her voice now "What's wrong?"

"I don't know Liara, I really don't know"

* * *

The first time Shepard heard that scream, she was nearly sick. In that sound, in that one tormented, pleading, demanding and hopelessly lost tremor were all the sounds of fear she had ever heard. In that voice she heard even her own voice, her own soul, crying out for something. For an un-nameable something.

The scream came again. Another world another voice, another life. Something evil and empty beseeching from a corner of the blackest part of the universe, hanging there timelessly, in agony and waiting. A million tired and blind stolen voices all wrapped up in that one howl, all the eternal sadness and losses and pain ever known to humanity. It was all there, as the centre of goodness in the universe was sliced open and left to bleed its crimson fluid into the dirt. It was a lone animal being eaten by a bird of prey. It was a hundred children being crushed beneath iron treads. It was one good soldier with his heart in his blood soaked hands. It was the soul and the pain and the very fibre of life, draining away, without light, without hope.

Again the scream, trembling once more on the air, weightlessly, tingling off into emptiness.

"Shepard!" Liara shouted, her biotic barrier crackling as Shepard's fist impacted it hard, directly where her face would have been.

Shepard stared, eyes barely focused as she felt the impact of a massive horror stifle her own cry of disbelief and terror. Then she backed away, scrambled a retreat up the bed and slouched there, sweat drenched back, flat to the head board, with the last thing she ever hoped to see burning behind her eyelids. The sight of Liara, staring at her in fear. A scream had woken her, a god awful scream, and something else, her name, over and over again, her name.

"Shepard" Liara lowered her barrier and reached across the bed Shepard looked terrified, but the sound of her soft gasps held Liara back, unsure, was Shepard fully awake?

"Did I hurt you?" Shepard choked out, running both hands through her hair and looking around the room, eyes wild.

"No Shepard, never" Liara moved up the bed "I shouldn't have tried to wake you, I'm sorry, but you were screaming" she shook her head and swallowed. The scream had been inhuman, wrenched forward from a fear she could not understand "Joker contacted me, told me you needed me" she threw the words out, babbling "I didn't know what to do" she wanted to reach out and take Shepard's hand, wanted to comfort her somehow but Shepard wouldn't even look at her.

"Oh God" Shepard bought her knees up to her chest and combed her fingers through her sweat dampened hair again. She was looking out at the wall but it felt like the world, the universe and forever.

"What happened?" Liara moved closer, her legs hanging off the bed as she reached out and pulled on Shepard's hands, tugging her forwards. Shepard resisted at first, then succumbed "Lay here" Liara indicated for Shepard to put her head down on her lap, and she did so without protest. Liara traced the freckles on her cheeks and nose, ran her fingers through the base of her hairline and sighed at the bruises around her eyes "Nightmares Shepard?"

"It was so real" Shepard shifted so she was lay on her back, head resting in Liara's lap "always so real"

Liara nodded, fighting her own terror at what she might see, at what could possibly have scared the most formidable human ever to grace the universe to tears, and placed her hands over Shepard's temples.

"Do you trust me Shepard?" She smiled as Shepard nodded, her eyes heavy "Relax" she uttered and entered the meld.

Liara watched through Shepard's eyes as she fought herself. She felt everything as Shepard would have, every fear, every pain and witnessed every grotesque horror. She was fighting herself. Dreaming about physically fighting herself.

Shepard pulled a thin and desperately sharp blade from somewhere as she battled with herself, grappling with her own image interminably, slashing at her flesh and the sensitive folds of skin between fingers, until the very essence, the very reality of death by knife became a gagging terror in her sleeping body. It was as though the sense, the feel of death in progress was evoked. More than a dream, it was a new threshold of anguish, a vital new terror she would ever after have to support. It was something new to live with. Until finally she had locked her own hands around the hilt and driven the slim blade into her stomach, deep and with difficulty, feeling it puncture and gash through organs. Pulling it away from her mortally wounded self she used it again and again until the other had fallen, been battered to her knees and dispatched. She watched herself go screaming, pushed abruptly away, knife still embedded, from a ledge, twisting and plunging. The passion with which she had watched her own body fall, the desire in herself to the feel the weight of it going down, had been the worst disgusting detail.

"Goddess" Liara broke the meld, placing her hands over her eyes as she tried hard not to retch at the images of Shepard bleeding and tormented.

Shepard dreamt of brutality and fear. The most disturbing part was the brutalized combat itself. It was not an image that could be retold when awake without bringing a look of shock and horror to the face of the confidant.

"The same dream, the same damned recurrent dream" Shepard sat up and hung her legs off the side of the bed. She leant forward, elbows resting on her knees as she cradled her head in her hands "never exactly the same but the same subject, night after night" she spat "chapter after chapter like some morbid book of murder!" her voice was a growl.

"How long has this been going on Shepard?" Liara couldn't look at her yet, couldn't not see the blood and the death.

"Not long, and it's not every night" Shepard shrugged "I try and avoid sleep at the moment, or wait until I crash sleep, that way I'm too exhausted to dream"

Liara looked at her now and wanted to cry. Her beautiful green eyes were blood shot and red rimmed, the deep golden flecks that normally radiated were dull, lifeless and full of fatigue. She stood up, trembling for a moment , then stalked, half stumbled, fell across the room and landed on the easy chair next to the bed. As soon as she touched the seat silent tears spilt over "Goddess" She ran her hands over her eyes, willing the emotions to abide.

"Liara" Shepard rose from the bed "I'm sorry I didn't mean..."

"No Shepard its fine" she regained her composure "residual feeling from the meld that's all"

"Ok" Shepard dropped onto the bed and slid upwards, bracing the pillow behind her. She stared at the skylight, caught sight of her reflection and nodded. The face staring back at her was good, composed, very composed in fact, which was the complete opposite to what she felt.

Liara still felt sick. She felt like her mind was covered with a thin film of horror and despair, a terrible ache that twisted like smoke, thick and black within her. She took a big shuddering breath and stood up, moved over to the bed again and sat down.

"Go back to sleep" Liara instructed her gently, putting a hand out to forestall the oncoming protest "Please Shepard, I can help you but you have to let me"

Shepard nodded and threw her arms out on the bed. She smiled when she felt Liara curl up to her, nestling in the crook of her armpit and laying her hand on her stomach. She closed her eyes and then was forcing herself to sleep. Eyes closed, knowing the woman next to her would protect her, she commanded sleep to come, and quietly, timid like a deer in a deep foreboding forest, it came, and touched her. So that she began to dream again. That dream again.

At last, after all the nights, the dream had broken its pattern, and the terror was different, further away, more distant. _If I can figure out what this means, I'll know, _Shepard thought suddenly, in the midst of the multi coloured haze of the dream, she knew abruptly, certainly, that if she could just make some sense from the events unravelling behind her eyes (and she knew for sure it was a dream this time ) there would be peace for her, finally. So she concentrated. _If I can just understand this, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, what it takes to satisfy myself to get myself to leave, to go away, then I'll be free, it will be quiet again and this will be over._

* * *

She lay there flay on her back, the other side of the bed creased only by a small furrow made by her twitching arm as it had flung away from her; the other side of the bed that Liara had inhabited, was now untenanted. She flipped onto her stomach in the now darkened room and reached out for the clock on the nearside cabinet. It flashed the early hour at her and she groaned with utter relief. She'd slept for eight hours straight without waking. In one movement she flipped aside the clammy bed sheet, hit the floor and fumbled her way to the shower.

* * *

"Liara" Joker spun around in his seat and looked at her, expression grim "How is the Commander?" he rested his chin on his fist.

"Better" Liara said as she pulled alongside him. She glanced across at EDI "Thank you EDI"

"My pleasure Doctor" EDI's furious motion over the keypad stopped and she looked at Liara for a moment "Will Commander Shepard be displeased that I violated her privacy? My auditory sensors are tuned to pick up any unusual noises throughout the Normandy" she paused "I was not spying"

"Of course not" Liara shook her head "I believe she would appreciate you keeping the event private, but she could never be mad at your concern EDI" Liara looked out through the view screen, her haunted eyes reverted, as if looking at something only she could see "I'm glad you told me, thank you"

"Then it is my pleasure to look after you both Doctor T'Soni" EDI turned back to her console, hands moving furiously again.

"Anderson told me to look after her Liara" Joker muttered, oddly morose "How the hell am I supposed to do that? It would be easier to look after a group of Krogan toddlers" he sighed.

"You're doing a good job Joker" Liara smiled at him and laid her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. His affection for Shepard was obvious.

"Damn though" He looked up at Liara from under the brim of his cap "I heard that scream Liara, what the hell causes Commander Shepard to scream like _that_?"

"Honestly Joker" Liara looked at him sadly "You don't want to know"

"You're right" He shook his head "She's faced down Thresher Maws, hell she's looked into the laser beam of a damn Reaper at point blank and not even made a peep about it" he sighed " I have no idea how she stays sane"

"Me either Jeff" Liara gave his shoulder another squeeze "But between us I'm sure we can manage to look after her"


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks to everyone who has dropped feedback and messages for this so far, been struggling with motivation after the house move. hopefully back with it now :)

* * *

"The Crucible" Garrus said to nobody.

He was stood behind Traynor in the CIC, his arms folded across his chest as the specialist bought up a schematic of the device.

"I'm guessing that name means something to your species?" His question was directed at Traynor.

"It has several meanings" she looked at Garrus and smiled "One of them describes it as a place or occasion of great trial, or a test"

"Appropriate" He nodded and glanced over at Liara, who was stood on the opposite side of the CIC watching something on one of the consoles, her fingers tapping the screen every now and then. She was holding a small mug in one hand, its contents steaming "Humans are almost as poetic as Asari" he smirked as she looked up at him.

"There is nothing wrong with being cultured Garrus" She gave him a small smile "You Turians could benefit from a little culture"

Traynor watched the exchange. The dynamics of working in a multiracial environment were new to her and at first she'd been sceptical, not really sure how the team work with so many fundamental differences, but she need not have been. It seemed that on the Normandy it was the cause that mattered, not the individual. She was about to say something to Garrus when the lift opened and Commander Shepard walked in. Traynor glanced at her watch, it was early, and after the events of yesterday she hadn't expected to see the Commander so soon.

"Morning" Shepard waved over at Traynor and Garrus, making a bee line for where Liara stood.

Liara glanced up briefly to see what the noise was and looked away when Shepard started walking towards her. It was the first time she'd seen her since leaving her cabin in the low light a few hours earlier. She glanced back, smiling at how raw and dishevelled Shepard looked, dressed in her fatigue pants and a slightly crumpled white t-shirt. Her hair was wet and tousled, but her eyes were clear and as Liara cast her gaze across the approaching woman, she spotted a line of mottled bruising along her forearm. A bout of fleeting worry passed over her, and it might have bothered her more if Shepard hadn't been looking at her with such intensity that her skin tingled.

"Good morning Commander" she called softly, her eyes warm with welcome.

Shepard's smile was intimate as she approached "Doctor" She reached across and took the mug from Liara, the back of her fingers idly grazing her shoulder as she did. Shepard took a long sip and closed her eyes, sighing happily before handing it back. Liara smirked.

"How are you feeling?" She asked quietly.

"Much better, thank you" Shepard whispered back, the words smooth as any caress. She reached for Liara's mug again, frowning as it was moved just out of reach.

"Get your own Commander"

Shepard was about to protest but she could sense eyes on her, and looked up to see Garrus and Traynor staring at her curiously. Suddenly self conscious, she took a step back, putting some distance between her and Liara.

"What are you watching?" Shepard asked as Liara turned her focus back to the screen and continued channel hopping to produce a confused succession of images and background sound bursts.

"The news" Liara replied "Ah" she bought a video up and turned up the volume.

_"And today we can speak to a Turian scientist and get his views on the incredible news that the human Alliance Marine and council Spectre, Commander Shepard, played the pivotal role in curing the Genophage"_

Shepard glanced at the video to see a well groomed human male presenter talking to a camera. Behind him a Turian stood shuffling nervously.

"You're famous" Garrus laughed "Again"

Shepard scowled at the screen "Is that the best photo they could get? That must be over ten years old!" The image of a younger Shepard flashed on the screen and she heard Liara laugh "That's not funny"

"Sorry Shepard" Liara turned the screen off, still laughing behind her hand "You look..." she paused, searching for the right word "Cute"

"What? I do not look cute" Shepard looked disconsolately at the darkened console screen "I looked wrecked, they always used to come and take those photographs after training exercises or PT" she sighed "They couldn't actually use a publicity photo could they?"

"Commander I had no idea you were so vain" Garrus piped up again.

"It's not vanity!" Shepard said as she turned and made her way over to her personal console "It's one of the reasons people never recognize me, they never show a damn picture that actually looks like me" She looked down at her console and navigated to a flagged message from Huerta memorial hospital. She opened it, a mixture of emotions playing across her face as the CIC fell silent.

"Everything alright Commander?" Traynor asked, noticing the dour look on Shepard's face.

"Yeah" Shepard looked at her momentarily "Just thinking about Ash" she drummed her fingers on the console "Joker?"

_"Yes Commander?"_

"Put coordinates in for the citadel"

_"Aye aye Commander"_

Shepard looked down at her console again, idly scanning the messages when something caught her eye. There was a message from Liara, dated this morning but at some ungodly hour. Shepard clicked on it.

_Shepard, I've been working on a personal project for some time now, it's almost complete but I could use some feedback from you. If it's possible, could I bring it to your cabin when you have some free time? Liara_

Shepard read the message again and then glanced up at the Asari. She seemed oblivious, miles away as she sipped her drink and thumbed through information on the console in front of her. Shepard smiled and composed her reply.

_Of course, it's a long flight back to the citadel, I'm sure I'll have some down time tonight. _

She didn't sign the message with her name, she never did.

* * *

Shepard leant over the comm. button on her desk. She'd been staring at it for the past few minutes, debating. With a sigh she pushed the button.

"Liara you said you wanted to see me, I'm free now if you've got the time" Shepard bit her lip and closed her eyes, hoping Liara would refuse and hating herself for it.

_"I have time Shepard, I'll be right up"_

Shepard groaned and threw herself into the seat, kicking her feet out like a frustrated child as she ran her fingers through her hair. She didn't feel like dealing with the emotions that being next to Liara bought up, not right now, the Asari always left her feeling raw and out of control. She tilted her head back, staring at the ceiling as she gathered her thoughts.

The door chimed.

"It's open" Shepard called as she got up and met Liara in the hall.

The Asari was stood, almost shyly, protectively clutching a small pale box to her chest. Shepard watched as she walked past and gently put the box on the low table by the couch, kneeling next to it and fiddling with something on the side.

"What's that?" Shepard asked, intrigued as she wandered over.

"Sit down and I'll show you" Liara opened a hatch on the side and waited for Shepard to sit down. A few seconds later a field of twilight sky erupted between them, throwing out shards of brilliant blue light that made Shepard's jaw drop "It's a record of our cycle, histories of our species, languages and the Reapers" she frowned "I made it as a reference for future cycles, in case the worst happens. It's got details of the crucible too"

"Like the Prothean beacons?"

"Exactly" Liara worried her lip, her crystal clear blue eyes sparkling through the pin point stars of light rotating between them "I know it's..." she stumbled over the words, pausing "Pessimistic. But I thought we should be prepared for the worst"

"It's..." Shepard focused on the image of the milky way and watched the shadows flicker off the walls as the image changed to one of a mass relay "Not pessimistic. It's amazing" She reached up and ran her hands through the image, smiling as stars passed between her fingers "You did all this?" her eyes flicked to Liara's.

"Glyph helped" Liara smiled and looked away "But there's something I needed some help with, one of the entries..."

Shepard smiled fondly at Liara "Which one?" she suddenly looked like the shy Asari scientist she'd met all those years ago.

"Yours" Liara pressed another button and a blue hologram of Shepard appeared, the image flittering and waving "I didn't know how to put into words what, and who you are to so many people"

Shepard leant forward and stared at the hologram for a minute "I'm just a soldier" she shook her head "And you know me better than anyone else alive Liara, I wouldn't know where to start, you write it"

"Really?" Liara smiled a little and stood up, dusting her hands on the front of her jacket as she walked towards the aquarium "Ok" she took a deep settling breath "I'll say that Commander Shepard was..." a hand on her shoulder forcing her to turn around, broke her train of thought.

"Liara, you put whatever you want in the entry" Shepard let her hand fall away and they stood silently, regarding one another in the deep stillness of the sleeping ship. Liara was looking at her with those blue-hot eyes, like chunks of summer sky, bathed by the heat of an exploding sun, and smouldering. Her eyes were the most fantastic thing Shepard had ever seen, now it seemed like they were all invitation and desire, they didn't just see, they spoke.

Shepard's eyes flickered down Liara's body, her heart thundering madly in her chest. Her desire was a wild thing, not rational, not reasoned, but sharp and clear as summer lightening, scorching, hot and impossible to hold.

"Shepard" Liara muttered hoarsely.

Shepard wrenched her gaze upward before she could reach out and trace her fingers over the delicate edge of Liara's collarbone, knowing from memory how warm the skin would be beneath her jacket, knowing how it would smell and taste.

"Hmm?" Shepard couldn't take her eyes from the Asari's "If I touch you, I know you won't tell me to stop, I know I won't be able to stop, but if I touch you now, I wonder, will it be what you really want?" Shepard shifted impossibly closer "Because I don't think you know what's in your eyes"

She took a last step and took hold of Liara's face, framing it with her hands, and kissed her. She felt Liara stiffen in surprise and then the lips against her mouth parted with the softest of gasps. A heartbeat later and Liara's hands were at her waist, drawing her gently closer as a shiver passed through her. Shepard's legs began to shake as warm supple fingers slid into her hair, stroking her neck as her tongue traced the surface of Liara's lips.

"I'm sorry" Shepard muttered as she pulled her head back slightly, her blood on fire.

"Don't be" Liara replied, her breath escaping her on a low mournful groan. She chewed her lip and sighed "Shepard, I betrayed you" she looked away.

"What?"

"When you were on earth, I should have done more" Liara shook her head "I should have been there"

"Don't be silly" Shepard brushed her thumb over Liara's cheek "I was locked down, even the shadow broker couldn't have gotten in" a pause "I know you tried" Shepard murmured, her lips against Liara's ear.

"I didn't try hard enough" Blue fingers entwined with hers "I should have pushed harder, I feel like I wasn't there for you"

"Is that why you've been..." Shepard trailed off.

"Been what?"

"I'm not sure. Off?" Shepard smiled, a full frank grin that made Liara frown.

"What's that smile for?"

"I don't know" Shepard shrugged "This all feels a bit" she looked at the aquarium for a moment "Domestic, don't you think?"

Liara sighed "Shepard I mean it, it's been playing on my mind I..."

"Shhh" Shepard put her finger on Liara's lips to silence her "Shut up Liara, I won't hear it. You did nothing wrong and you certainly didn't betray me, so get it out of your head" she wrapped her knuckles on the Asari's forehead in a playfully affectionate gesture, and smiled when Liara rolled her eyes and looked away.

"I'm being serious Shepard"

"So am I" Shepard was about to say more when her intercom chimed.

_"Commander we're about to dock at the Citadel but we have a bit of a problem, you might want to come to the bridge"_

Shepard actually groaned "I hate that man and his timing, I really do"

Liara laughed, pressed her forehead to Shepard's shoulder and gave her a squeeze "Go on Commander"

"You know, I hate it when you call me that" Shepard replied.

"I know" Liara paused "Commander"

Shepard smirked and let go of her hand "I have to go, but I don't want to"

"I know that too" Liara took a deep breath and composed herself "I'll see you later"

Shepard went to say something then thought better of it. Instead she simply nodded, gave Liara a small smile and turned away, leaving Liara to sag against the aquarium trying desperately to reign in her emotions.

* * *

Shepard walked into the cockpit with a scowl on her face. Joker had his chin propped on his fist while his free hand drummed a frustrated beat onto his console.

"What's the problem?" Shepard asked.

"This" Joker pressed something on his console and the radio kicked in. Hundreds of voices, informing, instructing, declaring and endorsing burst into the cockpit but static scribbled all of them into incomprehensibility. He flipped displays, page after page, as Moiré patterns of light formed and bounced off the walls "Come in Citadel Central traffic this is the Alliance Normandy requesting docking" the layers of voices merged with static held fast. Joker lifted his arm in an annoyed shrug.

"Something is Jamming communications" Shepard muttered as she folded her arms "Can never be a good thing"

"I've been trying for a while now Commander" he replied, poking his console again as coloured lights flicked on and off, red, blue, green. More displays scrolled, overlaid, blinked, melted and coalesced as he made a small course correction, only a fraction of a fraction "Can't be a station malfunction, they'd have backups online"

"Commander I have picked up an incoming encoded message for the Normandy" EDI chimed "I believe it to be Captain Bailey"

"Put it through" Shepard moved forward, leaning her forearm on the back of EDI's chair.

"Commander this is Bailey, can you read me?" The message was distorted, thick with static.

"EDI can you clear it up? We can read you Captain, what's going on down there?"

"It's Cerberus" The transmission cut out for a second before bursting back to life "They're attacking the Citadel, they have control of the docks and almost all of C-Section" His voice was strained against the background of gun fire and shouting.

"Cerberus?" Shepard looked astonished as she tapped her fingers on EDIs chair "Where are you Captain?"

"Holding up the last line to C-Sec HQ" there was a pause "Could use your help down here Commander, Cerberus have got us on a run"

"Hold tight Captain, we'll be with you as soon as we can" Shepard nodded for EDI to cut the transmission "Cerberus" she muttered "The Citadel is ambitious, even for them" she pushed away from the chair, her voice low but calm "EDI get Liara, Garrus and Vega in the shuttle bay, tell Cortez to get ready. We'll leave the Normandy, bypass the docks and take the shuttle directly to C-Section HQ. Send Admiral Hackett a message to let him know what's going on"

"Yes Commander"

"Joker put the Normandy in stealth mode, hold here until we get the docks open" She nodded at him.

"Aye Aye commander" Her spun in his chair and watched Shepard stalk out of the cockpit "Damn Cerberus" he muttered.

* * *

Shepard crouched, pushed her closed fist to the ground and jumped back, settling on her stomach with the rifle nestled into her shoulder. She glanced above the sight, signalled to Vega with her hand and then aimed at the Centurion.

Inspiration, expiration, pause.

She fired.

The gun rammed back against her shoulder and a muzzle flash made her blink. The sound was like a grenade going off. A pencil thin trace line seared the length of the hall and joined her gun to the forehead of the Cerberus soldier. His helmet erupted, shattering into a million fragments as the explosive round detonated in a pulse of light and sound, leaving the body to topple with a floor-thumping thud. A small cloud of steam and black vapour blossomed where the head used to be.

Inspiration, expiration, pause.

She fired again. Someone screamed. Shepard grinned. Four more shots and a hail of rifle fire from Vega cleared the rest of the hall. Shepard used the scope to check the balcony for stragglers.

"Shepard" Vega sounded in her ear "Bailey looks hurt, think he's been shot"

"It's clear, let's get up there"

She stood up, closed the sniper rifle down, holstered it on her back and then glanced across at Vega, gesturing for him to move up behind her.

They moved up the stairs slowly, scanning the areas potential cover. There was a long smear of blood on the wall near Shepards knee, and a discarded C-Sec issue pistol. She shook her head as she approached Captain Bailey.

"Commander!" He said, limping over, hands clasped around his stomach "Am I ever glad to see you" He barged past her, issuing orders to a Turian soldier and running his omni tool over the locked door in front of him.

"You injured Captain?" Shepard asked as she pulled up next to him.

"I've had worse" he grunted "Would have been a lot worse if you hadn't turned up when you did" The door light flashed from red to green and shuddered open "We got a big problem Shepard"

"Yeah, no kidding" Shepard and Vega followed him through the door and down a long, smoke filled corridor "What the hell happened? How did Cerberus manage to pull this off?"

"Long story" They entered a small office and Shepard watched as Bailey made his way to a terminal and threw himself into the seat opposite it. He winced, leaning forward and taking a gasp of breath before forcing himself upright "The Salarian councillor has locked himself in the executors office" He looked over some information on the console then lifted his gaze to Shepard "I think he was planning on presenting evidence against Councillor Udina"

"What evidence?" Shepard's voice had dropped an octave and she looked across at Vega.

"Evidence that he was working with Cerberus..."

"Son of a bitch" She snapped "Send me directions to the executor's office"

"Done"

"Liara, Garrus" Shepard spoke into her comm. "We're heading to the executors office to pick up the Salarian councillor, mop up the stragglers here then follow behind us"

She listened for the sounds of agreement "Bailey, can you stay on the line?"

"Of course Shepard" He peeled his fingers away from his wounded stomach, grimacing "Not like I'm going anywhere"

"Get that seen to" Shepard looked to Vega "You ready big guy?"

"Hell yeah" He smirked as he reloaded his rifle.

"Let's make it fast, get in, get the councillor, find out what he knows, then..." she trailed off.

"Then what?" Bailey asked, his voice quiet.

"Then we deal with Udina if we need to"


	9. Chapter 9

Ok, changing the story a bit here, mainly because I don't like Leng, I don't think he bought anything to the Mass effect series, and was nowhere near bad ass enough be Shepard's Nemesis. I thought his whole character was lazy of Bioware, so some scenes will be different, but the gist of the story will remain the same. Warning ahead, I've written a few gory scenes and this whole chapter is a bit of a monster, really trying to focus on what's going on with Shepard here.

* * *

Shepard stopped outside the executors office, gave the door a once over and then moved towards it "It's locked, I can.."

Vega crashed past her, ripping the door off its hinges and sprawling out into the room beyond. Shepard stepped over him, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"I could have just hacked the lock" she gave him a hand up, watched as he struggled to his feet and then pushed him back out into the corridor, hearing voices "Go!" she hissed, directing him to the end of the corridor "clear the area, I'll search for the councillor" she ushered him forward as she pulled her pistol and pressed herself to the wall just inside the room. The sound of shuffling feet and muffled noise filtered down the corridor and Shepard waited as Vega moved through the blinking light until he rounded a corner and vanished from sight. She took a deep breath and scanned the empty looking room, her thumb switching the safety off on her gun.

"No" she muttered to herself as the pistol showed no sign of life. It lay forlornly in her hands, a lump of useless cold metal. She shook it and tried again. Nothing. She looked around; needing a close range weapon, knowing her sniper rifle was useless in the confined space. With a growl she reached for a length of metal that had split from the frame of the door and snatched it up in her hand. She shuffled through the dark room for a few paces and came to a small, overturned desk. She scanned it and reached down to flick on a small upturned table lamp. It blinked once and then died; leaving the one floor to ceiling window as the only source of light. The place was a ruin, and there was evidence of a fight, but there was no councillor. Shepard sighed and turned to leave, when something caught her eye, a flicker of something by one of the overturned computer tables. Suddenly the councillor appeared, de-cloaking in front of Shepard's eyes.

"Councillor" Shepard let out a relieved breath.

"Commander Shepard, thank you, you have to help me, Udina is working with Cerberus, I have proof, he is going to..." his voice died as his chest exploded, the end of a sword visable through the front of his sternum. He staggered forward, clutching at the gaping wound, his voice gurgling "Commander..." he bubbled as the sword was pulled free from behind, and he clattered forward, falling in a wet heap on the floor.

Another figure de-cloaked and Shepard sucked in a breath. The figure moved carefully towards her. Long and thin like a black spider in the darkness, balanced on the balls of its feet. A chink of light from the window reflected off slits of red and Shepard's blood ran cold.

"Phantom" Shepard muttered, weighing the piece of metal in her hand, knowing it wasn't going to be enough.

"Commander" The robotic tone washed over her. There was a jingling sound and a flash of metal in the dark. Shepard felt her makeshift weapon get ripped from her fingers and saw it fly over the phantom's shoulder and clatter away across the room. _Unarmed_, but the phantom didn't give Shepard long to worry about it. There was something in her other hand, a knife, and she threw it at Shepard. Shepard ducked out of the way as it hissed past her ear, then the phantom jerked her other arm and something slashed Shepard across the face, just under her eye. She staggered back against the wall, bobbing away as another strike struck a shower of sparks as it ripped back along the wall, the last of the phantom's strikes caught Shepard on the chest, the Monomolecular blade slashing through her armour as she tried to get away, spattering drops of blood against the wall.

Shepard dived at her but her out spread arms caught nothing. There was another jingle and she felt her foot dragged from under her as he ankle snapped around painfully, caught by the Phantom as she ducked by. With a groan Shepard sprawled out on her face and started to push herself up. The Cerberus woman was suddenly on top of her, she could feel her knee pressing into her back, could hear her breath rasping through the outlet on her helmet.

Shepard grunted, scrabbling to her knees, lumbering unsteadily to her feet. The woman was still on her back, all her weight bearing down on her. Shepard flailed around with her hands but couldn't get at her, couldn't throw her off, she was stuck fast to her, arms tightening around her neck. Shepard could hardly breathe now, so she tottered forward a few steps, then threw herself backwards as hard as she could.

"Urgh" the phantom grunted into her ear as Shepard's weight crushed her into the floor, her grip coming loose enough for Shepard to get free and twist around. She rolled over and grabbed at the weak spot in the Phantoms armour, the soft area of neck between her helmet and body. Shepard dug her fingers in deep and started squeezing. The Cerberus solider kneed at her, dug at her with her fists, but Shepard's weight was on her now and the blows were weak. They snarled at each other, animal noises, their faces only inches apart. A couple of spots of blood trickled from the cut on her cheek and pattered on the phantoms helmet. Shepard stood up, half lifted her off the floor and flung her bodily out through the window next to them, the sound of shattering glass was loud in the empty space. Shepard peered out and watched dispassionately as the phantom flopped and bounced off the building as she fell the two stories to the balcony below and landed with a hollow thud on her side. With a sigh she turned and hobbled back to the councillor, cursing her twisted ankle as she crouched down next to him, turning him over and hoping against hope he was still alive. Dull, lifeless glazed eyes peered at her from a face twisted with pain.

"Shit" Shepard cursed "Bailey the Salarian councillor is dead"

"Oh Crap" Bailey uttered back over the comm. "Got some more bad news for you Shepard"

"What?"

"The other councillors are with Udina, they have a spectre escort too. They are making their way to a shuttle not far from you as we speak"

_Spectre_ Shepard swallowed, it could only be Ash "Understood, send me locations, we'll head them off"

"Sending them now Commander"

Shepard looked over the map on her omi tool, memorizing the route, they weren't far from her position, they might still be able to stop Udina.

* * *

Sounds crept up on her from all around, echoing down the corridor from who knew where. Distant rattling and banging, shouts and cries. She stared into darkness ahead, limping, running with sweat, one hand on the wall to steady herself. She leaned round a corner, trying to see if it was clear then felt something clasp her shoulder.

"Easy Shepard" Vega looked at her wide eyed "What happened? Are you alright?"

"Phantom" Shepard muttered, glancing at Vega who had his assault rifle drawn and pointed down the corridor "Give me your Pistol Vega, mine's trashed" She reached out and accepted the pistol he offered.

"Low on Clips Shepard, there were more shit heads than we bargained for" he muttered

"Yeah" Shepard reloaded the weapon and stepped forward, grimacing as her foot rolled awkwardly on her ankle "The councillors dead, assassinated by the phantom. Udina is trying to escape with the other councillors, they aren't far from here. Let's go" she gave the marine the best reassuring smile she could and indicated for him to go ahead. They crept out down a flight of stairs, into a dim hallway panelled with plastic. Vega ducked from shadow to shadow, moving fast, but Shepard could do no more than limp after him, dragging her leg , trying not to squeal with pain whenever she put her weight on it.

"Your leg" Vega looked back at her "It's bad?"

"Worse than I thought" Shepard growled as she pulled alongside him "I'll walk it off, keep going" Shepard indicated for him to push ahead, giving the corridor behind them another glance as black figures spilled in behind them, shouting "Go! The councillors just ahead" Shepard shoved Vega forward, pushing him out of the way as bullets ricocheted off the wall. Vega sprinted forward, opening the door ahead of them and filling the corridor with light.

Shepard hobbled after him, sagging with relief as she staggered through the door letting it close behind her. Vega sealed the door with his omni tool, smirking at the sound of infuriated voices as they shouted at them from the other side.

"Shepard?" Shepard spun at the familiar voice, her eyes going wide as Ashley levelled her gun straight at her "What the hell is going on? You bring Cerberus with you?" She snarled and moved between Shepard and the three remaining councillors.

"What do you think?" Shepard pointed her pistol at Udina "He's the guy you want be aiming at Ash, not me. Udina sold you all out, this is his fault" she nearly laughed at his outraged expression "The Salarian councillor is dead because of him"

"Shepard" Vega moved close to her, his voice low "That door ain't gonna hold long"

"You can't be serious!" Udina shouted, pulling a pistol from his waistband and aiming it at Shepard "You bought them here Shepard, be honest, this is your plan, you've always been a Cerberus dog!"

"Shepard" Ash looked at her, her expression pained "Why should I believe you?"

Shepard felt a white hot ball of rage build in her stomach "I don't give a fuck if you believe me. Any minute now, a corridor of Cerberus troops is going to burst through that door and cut us all down. We don't have time for this Ash, we really don't" Shepard could see the flicker of doubt in Ashley's eyes, and suddenly she felt her anger drain away, replaced by a wash of sadness for the trust and friendship they used to have.

"Commander" Vega warned again as the door shuddered, opening a fraction.

"Alright" Ash said, spinning on her heel and levelling her rifle at Udina "Drop the gun" she ordered, surprised when he made an angry move towards her. Ash didn't give him time though, she pulled the trigger, dispassionately speaking into her comm. almost immediately "Bailey get me a shuttle now!"

Shepard didn't let her surprise show on her face, instead she roared at Ashley "Get the councillors to safety Ash, stay with them, send the shuttle back for us"

The spectre hesitated, opened her mouth to speak but thought better of it. With a curt nod she ushered the two remaining councillors further along the balcony, sighting the shuttle just as she heard the door open and the sound of gun fire.

* * *

"Shit" Vega cursed "Nice fucking plan Shepard" he snarled.

Shepard heard muffled shouting behind the door and turned just in time to see a mass of Cerberus figures spilling out onto the balcony. The one at the front took aim but Shepard had already fired, shooting his rifle from his hands and continuing to fire, taking the second solider out with one continuous stream. She could see Vega disarming a third but then she stumbled as a Centurion crashed into her. Something hit her in the back of the head and she tripped, spun and slipped, lashed out with her pistol butt and hit something soft. Somebody screamed and then everything was a mess of clashing, scraping weapons, curses and cries, ragged breathing and gun fire. Shepard reached out and pulled a knife from the scabbard on the Centurions leg and swung at his visor, but she was tired, and the swing held no real power. He fired a shot at her but it went wide, knocking plastic panelling off the wall as it bit into the material beneath.

"Oof" she coughed as he kneed her in the stomach, something hit her in the leg and she nearly fell. She could hear someone yelling behind her, but it seemed far away. Her chest hurt, her mouth was sour and there was blood on her, all over her. She could hardly breathe. The centurion stepped forward and through his visor Shepard caught a glint of a smile on his pallid grey face. She lurched forward, her foot slipping, falling down to one knee. She couldn't lift the knife anymore. There was no strength left. Nothing. The room was growing blurry.

"Shepard!" Vega roared as the Cerberus solider pinned him to the wall, rifle rammed into the underside of his jaw.

"We can use him" The solider said into his helmet comm. There was a pause "Yes sir" the solider glanced across at the another centurion who was stood in the door "Get him prepped"

Vega struggled, watching as Shepard stumbled and fell, eyes defeated. _Some legend_. He looked away.

Shepard looked up, her eyes meeting Vega's through the chaos. He was disappointed, ashamed, but she wasn't finished, she wasn't anywhere near finished. She glanced at her hands, there was blood on her, but blood was good, there was always blood. Her fingers sought out the cracks in the plastic panelling next to her, prising between them, pulling herself up. Her leg hurt and she smiled, pain was good, pain let her know she was still alive. Something moved in front of her.

"You're hurt Commander Shepard" The centurion spoke, his voice a tickling inflection "Surrender, Cerberus is not without mercy, even for you" the barrel of his rifle danced in the air.

"Hurt?" Shepard scoffed "I'll show you hurt" she tumbled forward, flowed beneath the rifle, slippery, swinging the knife in a great low circle. It crunched into the Centurions knee and cracked it back the wrong way, scythed on into his other leg, dug into the soft unprotected space where the knee bent and ripped it out from under him. He gave a muffled scream as he spun, turning around and landing with a thump, shattered legs flopping.

Something dug into Shepard's back, but there was no pain. It was message that let her know where the next dead enemy was standing. She reeled around and the knife followed her in a furious, beautiful, irresistible arc. It crunched into the soldier's helmet then pierced him through the neck as Shepard ploughed at him, snatched him off his feet and flung him through the air. He bounced off the wall and crumpled to the floor in a bloodied choking heap.

A knife whirled, hissing and landed in the wall millimetres from Shepard's shoulder with a thud. The one in black armour, the woman by the door, she had thrown it. She was on the other side of two corpses, sighting Shepard down her sniper rifle. A terrible mistake. Shepard sprang over the bodies, her knife still swinging. The woman ducked the first great swing, and the second. She was fast and clever, but not clever enough. The third blow bit her in the side, a glancing bite, just the tiniest of nibbles. It only smashed her ribs and knocked her screaming to her knees. The next blow was better, a circle of flesh and metal that smashed into her face and ripped her head half off, showering blood across the floor.  
Shepard plucked the knife from the wall and tossed it to the floor, smirking. A shot rung past her, and she turned, but before the soldier could fire another shot Shepard was on him, wrapping both hands around his grip on his weapon. The solider struggled and strained but it was useless.

"They send you, to fight me?" Shepard snarled through bloodied teeth "I've fought worse, this is an insult" she flung the man back against the wall and squeezed her hands around his grip on the weapon, turning it until it was pointing at his chest "An insult" she roared, forcing the man to pull the trigger and blow himself apart.

The man screamed as he died, screamed and screamed. But Shepard had no pity and she watched as the screams bubbled and died. Her fingers were slick with blood and she flicked it onto the floor. The one by Vega was now sitting, hanging limp on the floor, head back as if staring at the ceiling.

"Where's the rest of you?" Shepard bellowed at the now empty corridor "Where's the rest of you?" her voice died off now as she caught Vega looking at her. He stepped away, watching her, keeping the distance between them, his eyes hard.

"You ok Shepard?" Vega didn't want to get close, afraid that Shepard wasn't in control, afraid of what he'd seen and what she might do.

"No" Shepard stumbled as the room spun, swam around her as she eyed the bodies on the ground. So many, had she done all this? She didn't remember. She staggered, blinked, sleepy as she dropped to her knees, looking at the bloody mess on her hands. She'd lost control, she'd promised never to do that again, promised herself. She let out a great wracking sigh and lent forward, hands splayed on the cold floor as she fought to keep control of her stomach.

"Shepard?" Vega muttered, tentatively.

Shepard looked up at him, her gaze falling on his outstretched hand. She looked at it, so clean compared to her own. With a groan she reached out and took it, allowing herself to be pulled up.

"Lets get out of here" He said quietly.

"Yeah" Shepard didn't look at the bodies, didn't step in the river of blood.

* * *

"Well I can't get any sense out of that thing" Bailiey growled, wincing as he walked towards Shepard. They were stood in the outer office of C-Sec headquarters amongst a pile of bricks and rubble. Shepard was reading a data pad, her free hand rubbing her temple as she coughed, the acrid smoke from one of the small fires outside the shattered office window tickling her throat.  
"Someone get that damn fire put out!" Shepard barked.  
"Yes ma'am!" A Turian C-Sec officer went scurrying past.  
"What do you want me to do about it Bailey?" Shepard asked, her face smeared with dirt and blood, hair damp with sweat "Like it's going to talk to me?"  
"It's worth a shot Shepard" Bailey muttered, watching as Shepard threw the data pad down onto the desk and indicated for him to lead the way.  
She fell into step behind him with Garrus close at her heels as they manoeuvred through the shattered hallway towards a small cell at the rear of the C-Sec compound.

"Best of luck Shepard" Bailey said as he unlocked the door and stepped away.  
Shepard sighed as the full weight of her position and influence settled on her shoulders. There were times in her life when being Commander Shepard had been a good thing, but the times when it had been a bad thing were vastly beginning to outnumber them. She had a headache, her left hand was burnt from where a thermal clip had ejected and caught it on the way out, she had a weird cramping sensation going on in her right calf and her ankle was throbbing. She was miserable, soul sick, and didn't want to be stuck in a room facing down something she was terrified that one day she might become.

"You got my back with this Garrus?" Shepard didn't look at him, she just stared at the door.

"Always" he replied.  
"No matter what?"  
"No matter what"  
"Garrus" Shepard muttered "whatever happens in this room stays in this room"

"Understood Commander"  
The Cerberus Phantom flinched as Shepard threw the door open. The chair the phantom was tied to, a small metallic thing, was balanced precariously against a thick set of cabinets, and when she jerked, its legs rasped on the floor and sent the chair and the girl sliding to the ground with a whack. She hit her head on the metal plate floor and cried out.  
Shepard sighed. She walked over, armoured boots scraping on the floor with each hollow step, and dragged the chair upright, kicking a piece of broken Cerberus armour away as she did so. It was a surprising show of strength from the spectre, lifting a fully armoured woman and chair up with one arm, and it wasn't lost on Garrus or the Cerberus woman. Shepard stood over her, reached around the back of her helmet and roughly yanked it free, the clips snapping as it came away in Shepard's hands. The girl, and she was no more than a girl, was hanging slackly, but Shepard knew she was faking. She grabbed the chair and manoeuvred it into the centre of the small room, watching carefully, mindful to keep out of the way of her head in case she attempted a head butt.

Shepard looked at her bonds and frowned. The cord of rope they had hastily used to tie the phantom up was frayed; she'd been trying to cut through the bindings using the broken, sharp piece of armour Shepard had kicked away moments before.

Shepard left her hanging, inertly in the middle of the small office, where she could see her, then went over to another small chair in the room and fell heavily onto it. It was dirty and rickety, and it protested under her weight, but she was too exhausted to care. She stretched her legs out and looked up at the leaking ceiling, closing her eyes briefly; she listened to the steady plink of drops coming through. She started to fall asleep almost immediately, but it was as though the consciousness of defeat would not let her escape, and she found herself even there, filling her nearly sleeping mind with images of the Salarian Councillor in his last moments, of inundation and defeat, and it harried her out of her rest, and back into the continuing pain and dejection of wakefulness. She rubbed her eyes, but the scummy water on her fingers ground grains of dirt and oil into them. She cleaned one finger off as best she could and rubbed some spit into her eyes, because she thought if she allowed herself to cry, even to just remove the dirt and grime, she might not be able to stop.

She looked at the girl. She was pretending to come round; Shepard could see the dull blue glow peeking from beneath her unnaturally grey eyelids. Shepard wished she had the strength and the inclination to go over and hit her, but she was too tired, and too conscious that she would be taking out on her, her annoyance at the situation on the Citadel. Belting one individual, let alone one helpless, injured girl, would be so pathetically petty a way of trying to find recompense for her annoyance, that she would probably never forgive herself for it.

The phantom moaned dramatically. A thin strand of bloodied snot detached itself from her nose and fell onto the chest plate of her armour.  
Shepard heard her sniff, loudly. When she looked back, her eyes were open, and she was staring malevolently at her with that inhuman blue glare. Shepard squinted at the girl.

"Garrus, is she cross-eyed?"

"What?" Garrus stuttered, his voice puzzled.

"Is she cross-eyed?"

There was silence as Garrus shifted, his armour creaking in the hollow space "A little" he paused "I guess"

The girl was only slightly cross eyed but the imperfection annoyed her more than it should have. Shepard stared at her. Given a bath and a decent set of clothes, she thought, the girl would be normal, someone's daughter or girlfriend. But right now she was buried inside a blue-grey dirty infusion of reaper tech and grime. She had long filthy hair that obscured part of her face, and Shepard could see the long veins of blue luminescence than ran along her scalp. She felt sick. The girl moved oddly in the chair, as though scratching her back against it. Shepard couldn't decide if she was testing the rope that bound her or was just troubled by something, uncomfortable maybe.

Shepard doubted the girl had volunteered to have this done to her. She had probably been a colonist abducted by some Cerberus force somewhere and adapted to suit their ends. Then she thought about the battle she had just fought and realised there had only been one Phantom that she'd seen, and that Phantom had tried to kill her and succeeded in killing the Councillor.

"You killed the Councillor, did you come here to kill me as well?" Shepard asked, thinking about the fight, running that moment through her mind.

"Yes" The voice was deeper than it should have been and had an odd timbre, like a thousand voices layered into one.

"It was a brave attempt" Shepard nodded "but laughable" The girl twitched.

She remembered the moment the Councillor had fallen, the sickening moment when the girl had de-cloaked. It couldn't be the same solider, Shepard had thrown her out of a window, she couldn't have survived.

"Enjoy you're fall?" Shepard smirked as the girl twitched.

"you won't win" the girl said spitting "You can't win, against us, we will never lose" she shook the chair angrily.

"What?" Shepard asked, as though she hadn't been listening.

"We will win" she said, giving the chair another furious shake that rattled its legs on the floor.

"Which fool tied her to a chair of all things" Shepard looked up at the ceiling "You could be right" She told her tiredly "Things aren't looking good for us right now. Make you feel better?"

"You're going to die" The woman said, blue eyes never wavering.

"Nothings more certain than that" Shepard agreed, gazing up at the leaking ceiling again.

"We are invincible. We will never give up"

"Well you've proved fairly vincible before" she sighed.

"Our spirit never dies; we are the spirit of humanity, we-"

"Aw shut up!" Shepard said, swinging her legs off the chair and standing to face the woman "I've heard all that shit before, from so many people" Shepard ran her hand through her damp hair "You are not Cerberus, you're just a damn fool. Of course Cerberus didn't lose this fight, you lost this fight. The good thing is, I put enough people like you down and guess what? Cerberus does loose."

"We will crush you"

"Hey I'm crushed, I'm crushed" Shepard waved one hand languidly.

The woman howled and shook the chair.

Shepard stood upright and held her head in her hands. Had she tried to do too much? She'd had ten hours sleep in the last week; had that clouded her mind so she hadn't seen Udina's treachery? Or had she slept too much; might that little bit of extra wakefulness have made all the difference? Given her time to spot something she'd missed?

"I hope you die!" the girl shrieked.  
Shepard looked at her, frowning, wondering why she had interrupted her thoughts, and wishing she would shut up. Maybe she should gag her.

"Your forces retreated" Shepard smirked at her "And I'm the one who is going to die?"

"You bitch" she screamed.

Shepard looked at her, suddenly thinking she was just as much of a prisoner of this war as the young Cerberus tool. Shepard heard the girl snort back and spit.

"You're losing!" The girl carried on "Your losing aren't you?" she was hysterical, not making any sense as she sat rocking to and fro in the chair.

"That's a penetrating insight" Shepard drew her pistol. The girl was a lost cause, infected with Reaper technology and spouting nonsense. She couldn't tell Shepard anything about Cerberus, she was just a tool, a soldier manufactured in a lab. Shepard shuddered at the similarity to herself "You remind me of some of the people on earth who ignored this war. Cross eyed, stupid and static" She raised the pistol to the girls head, pushed it against her temple until the skin turned white; convinced she would be doing her a mercy by blowing it off. Her hand shook with the effort not to shoot.

"I'm not cross-eyed!" the girl screamed and started to cry, her head forced down by the weight of huge sobs that shook her body, making the chair creak. Shepard lowered her gun and stared. She wanted to go over and cuddle her, or smash her brains out; anything to stop her wailing. Shepard was losing her compassion and it frightened her.

The girl sniffed heavily and when she looked up there was a long trail of bloodied snot running down her face again.  
Shepard moved towards her without thinking and pulled a loose scrap of material from the inside of her pocket as she went.

The girl put two and two together, saw Shepard coming towards her with a scrap of fabric and screamed with all her might; she emptied her lungs with the effort of announcing to the Citadel that she was about to be murdered by the great commander Shepard. She was rocking in her chair and Shepard had to jump on it and land with one foot on one of the cross-members between the legs to stop it from tipping over.  
Shepard put the cloth over the young girls face.

She stopped struggling. She went limp, not fighting or squirming but knowing it was utterly pointless to go on doing anything.  
Garrus was looking at her oddly but Shepard just shrugged "Blow"

The girl blew. Shepard withdrew the rag, folded it over, put it back against her face and told her to blow again. She did. Shepard folded it over again and wiped the girl's nose hard. She squealed; it was sore, probably broken. Shepard sighed again and threw the rag on the floor then turned away and moved towards the half open door.

"What are you going to do with me?" The girl's voice was quivering and Shepard turned round to look at her.

"I don't know, what do you think?"

"If you're going to kill me, please will you do it quickly?"

"Probably not" Shepard smirked and the girl sobbed, blue lights flickering behind liquid fear "You know who I am, do you know what I'm trying to do?"

The girl looked up "What?" she asked.

"It doesn't matter" Shepard shook her head "Bailey!" she shouted through the open door and waited for the man to appear.

"Shepard" he muttered, peaking in to see if the girl was alive or dead.

"Do something with her" Shepard waved in the girls direction "She's just a grunt, but there is definitely still some humanity in there somewhere" she looked at the girls wide, moist eyes and realised that she had expected to be shot. That hurt Shepard more than any physical wound could have "There is an alliance ship the SSV Esperar. There is a doctor on there, Dr Willis, he specializes in cybernetics, did some work with me not so long ago. He might be able to help her" Shepard moved past Bailiey and out into the corridor. She took a deep breath and walked back through to the main office, past the milling C-Sec officers and out onto the main promenade. The air was cooler out by the balcony, cleaner and less oppressive. Shepard made her way over to the balcony and rested her forearms on it, looking out across the view of the Citadel and its pockets of smouldering ruin.

"Did you find anything out from the girl?" Shepard watched as Liara moved next to her, mimicking her position.

"Nothing" Shepard shook her head "She wouldn't know anything anyway, just a grunt" She spared a glance at Liara. The Asari was looking out at the view, her gaze troubled, face dirty. Shepard thought she looked tired "She was so young" Shepard looked down at her hands "I was almost old enough to be her mother Liara"

Liara sighed "where is she now?"

Shepard detected the odd note to her voice and turned to look at her. Liara wouldn't meet her gaze "Just ask me Liara" Shepard said angrily "Just ask me"

"No" Liara shook her head "I don't need to ask you"

"Really?" Shepard spat the question.

"I know you didn't kill her" Liara looked at her now "I just worry about the day when you tell me you have. I know what this war costs you Shepard, with so much darkness it's hard to stay in the light"

"She is an enemy soldier that tried to kill me. She murdered the Salarian Councillor!" Shepard turned around and leant with her back against the balcony, her elbows resting on the rail "She is infested with Reaper technology and a danger to herself and those around her. I'm weak by letting her live" Shepard shook her head.

"You do not believe that Shepard"

"You know what I do not believe Liara?" Shepard looked across at her, her chin resting lazily on her shoulder, hair falling across one of her eyes "I do not believe, never could have really, that I would ever feel like this. That I would ache so bad to be a nobody, to never strain the fabric of life, to be minor, unimportant" she paused "un-influential if you will" she let her head loll forward onto her chest "I am so tired Liara"

"I know Shepard" Liara smiled a little sadly "But we both know you don't mean that"

"I do" Shepard replied "I think I really do" Shepard watched as a human C-Sec officer made his way towards her. He stopped a few feet short of where Shepard was stood and held out a data pad.

"Ma'am" he looked at her oddly "These reports are from Captain Bailiey, he said you might want to see them"

Shepard sighed and took the data pad from him "Reports" she glanced across at Liara who was smiling slightly "Yay" she took the salute from the C-Sec officer and continued to look through the reports.

Maybe, Shepard thought to herself, I should take this opportunity to get away from my responsibilities; I should just sit here and be a soldier on the ground for a few more moments. She laughed at the idea. She would never be able to escape the minute to minute changes in conditions that bogged her down. The continual flood of reports she always seemed to have about units and squads immobilised, destroyed, cut off or retreating from vital positions, yelling for help, for relief, for reinforcements, more food, more medicine, more help, past a certain point where there was nothing she could do apart from acknowledge, reply, turn down, order to make a stand; nothing, nothing. She was getting distracted as she thought about the mosaic of the war, a two colour mosaic of a million pieces, the picture of a multiracial army, bit-by-bit disintegrating, softened like a piece of paper in the rain, made soggy and finally coming apart.

"Let me deal with that" Liara broke her reverie, lifted the data pad away from her and pointed in the direction of where Garrus was stood, animated in debate with another Turian "And let Garrus deal with the Normandy"

"Alright" Shepard spoke softly, ignoring the surprise etched onto the face of the Asari "When we get back to the Normandy I'm going to sleep" Shepard nodded to no one in particular "For at least twelve hours" now she looked at Liara, and gave her a lopsided smile "And so are you" She waved her hand to stall the coming protest "I know I don't get enough sleep, but I'm not stupid and I know you keep pace with me"

"If you're fighting Shepard, then so am I" Liara looked at her and suddenly Shepard felt incredibly guilty. It felt like it had been a long time since she had really, honestly looked at her, and it was the first time she'd noticed the circles beneath her eyes and the strain etched into the lines of her face.

"Well I won't be fighting" Shepard started to walk away "I'll be sleeping, and you'll be with me"

"Will I?" Liara fell into step next to her "That sounds like an order" her hand found Shepard's and their fingers linked together lightly as they walked.

"It is" Shepard nodded "It most definitely is"


	10. Chapter 10

Small chapter, some people may recognize the drill and the poem, both of which are humbling.

* * *

"You don't have to do this Shepard" Liara watched as Shepard paced around the small office. Her strides were short and clipped, her shoulders stiff.

"I do" Shepard glanced at her, pausing momentarily before continuing with her agitated motion.

Liara sighed and walked forward; putting herself directly in Shepard's path and stopping her momentum with a gentle hand on her arm "Let me take care of your face at least" Liara indicated the wound on Shepard's cheek.

"OK"

"Stay there" Liara reached form something in her pocket and frowned as she pulled the last medi gel sachet free. They should have been back on the Normandy by now, but Shepard, having seen the mountain of bodies dragged from C-Sec HQ, had decided there was one more thing she had to do before she could rest. With a sigh, the Asari tore the sachet open and squeezed some of the gel onto her fingertips. "Come" she tugged Shepard forwards with her free hand and smeared the cool gel over the gash on the Commanders face. If it was causing her any pain, she didn't show it.

Liara was about to speak when the door to the office opened and Specialist Traynor walked in.

"Oh" Traynor stuttered as she pulled to a halt "Sorry to interrupt" her eyes darkened with concern when they landed on Shepard "I have your uniform Commander" she waved the heavy coat hangers in the air.

"Thanks" Shepard stepped past Liara and relieved Traynor of the outfit. The motion sent a jarring pain through her left shoulder and she winced, swearing under her breath.

"Are you all right Commander?" Traynor looked between the Asari and the human.

"I'm fine" Shepard spoke through gritted teeth as she palmed the uniform off onto Liara "Traynor, make sure the crew is ready, they have an hour"

"Yes ma'am" Traynor nodded.

"And that means you too"

"But" Traynor hesitated "I'm not really sure I..."

"No excuses" Shepard cut her off "You are as much a part of this crew as the soldiers on the ground, you'll be there, and that's an order"

"Ma'am" Traynor made a motion as if she had something else to say but thought better of it. With a nod she turned on her heel and left the room.

"I think she has a crush on you" Liara lay the uniform gently across the back of the only chair in the room.

"It's not surprising" Shepard smirked at the look Liara gave her "I'm joking. She's a good crew member, I think she's just in awe of the whole soldiering business, most techies are" Shepard shrugged, causing her to wince again.

"You're hurt" Liara accused.

"I think I fell awkwardly, lifting my arm is killing me"

"Yet another reason why you shouldn't be doing this"

"I have to"

"There are many others who could"

"It has to be me" Shepard had already started removing her hard suit, laying it out on the desk piece by piece until she was stood in only her base layer "Now let's get me dressed so I can get this done" Shepard reached out for her uniform, unzipping the bag and pulling out her dress trousers. Carefully, she worked each leg into her trousers and stood by the side of the desk, frowning as she contemplated how to close the elaborate buttons and zippers without moving her left arm "I think I might need some help here" Shepard looked at Liara.

"No problem" Liara replied, stepping forward and working the buttons closed, being careful not to touch the taut abdomen beneath the thin compression top. When she'd worked the last golden button closed, she looked around for Shepard's jacket.

Shepard hooked a finger around the belt on Liara's hard suit and tugged playfully "I'm sure this is where I should say something about how I wish you were _undressing_ me"

Liara coloured a little as she lifted Shepard's jacket and held it out "You'll have to take off your top Shepard" she frowned "Getting this on is going to hurt I'm afraid"

Shepard sighed and undid her top, grateful for the first time that the compression suits were sealed along the seams rather than pull-over's. When her top was half way open she stopped "Ah" Shepard said, and Liara was positive there was a hint of a blush on her cheeks.

"What?"

"I'm not wearing anything underneath" Shepard replied.

"That's not a problem Shepard" Liara smirked and laughed at Shepard's expression "Take the top off Shepard and put the jacket on. I want us to get this done and be out of here" She paused, her voice quiet, soft "and don't ask me to close my eyes"

Shepard looked at her for a moment, her fingers resting on the last seal of her top. With a tug she released it and pulled it free from the waistband of her trousers. To her credit, Liara busied herself by undoing the buttons on Shepard's dress jacket and tried her hardest not to let her gaze wander.

"Do you want me to do that?" Shepard asked.

"No, you have an injured arm remember? This many buttons would be quite difficult to tackle with only one hand"

"You'd be amazed what I can do with one hand" Shepard's voice was lower, husky. She reached out her hand and Liara stepped away, rolling her eyes and smiling.

"Shepard"

"Don't trust me?" Shepard asked teasingly.

"No" Liara replied quietly "I don't trust myself"

"I do" Shepard whispered, moving closer and placing a kiss on the Asari's lips. She held it, savouring the soft full lower lip exploring hers. After a moment, she sighed with a mix of pleasure and regret. She shook her arm, allowing the compression top to fall to the floor as she stood there, unmindful of her nudity, enjoying the way Liara's eyes widened slightly and her breath hitched "Help me on with that?" Shepard gestured towards the open jacket that hung in Liara's fingers.

"Of course" Liara managed, her throat thick. She held the jacket up and waited for Shepard to insert her good arm. Shifting slightly, she passed the jacket around her back and gently lifted Shepard's injured arm into the sleeve.

"Shit" Shepard growled.

"Sorry"

"Not your fault"

"Still" Liara smoothed her hands down the front of the jacket and slowly started to do the buttons up. When she finished, she lifted her fingers to Shepard's forehead and brushed away a few strands of hair, tucking them behind her ear. She skimmed her fingertips over the wound on her cheek and shook her head at the fading yellow bruises around her eyes "You should be more careful"

"I'm always getting into fights" Shepard gave her a lopsided grin "You should get ready too"

"What?" Liara was confused "Shepard I'm not Alliance"

"I'd noticed" She rolled her eyes "Still, you're part of the crew and you'll be there"

Liara paused "Alright"

"Good" Shepard nodded as she fussed with her sleeve "I'll get my boots and I'm ready to go"

"You're sure about this?"

"Yes" Shepard looked at her, green eyes focuses and clear "I'd be lying if I said I wanted to do it, but it must be done"

"Duty..." Liara muttered, not really understanding why Shepard would put herself through this.

"Something like that"

* * *

Tiles clicked under the heel of her boots. Bright shining boots, kept meticulously clean by polishing and over polishing until they gleamed, a mirror of darkness. The Commander kept them clean and polished, a clashing note matched against her usual armoured and dirty appearance.

Traynor thought she looked taller out there in front of the crowd, towering over almost everyone, as if the force of her personality lifted her above them all. She watched as Shepard, in full dress blues and gold, marched forward through the lines of unmarked, gunmetal grey coffins that filled the dock. She looked mean and aggressive; her stitched and bruised face set into a hard, impassive mask, her eyes focused on something far away. She was a lean and supple thing, like a high tension wire, her posture giving only the merest suggestion of contained power and quickness.

She kept the click of her polished boots in time with the sombre military song that rang through the comm. system. The song was a dead song, drawn up from history and long forgotten.

The crowd that filled the docks was immense, and men and women from every species crushed together behind the three ranks of the Normandy Crew. The council had argued that the event was in bad taste, that there was too much death already on the citadel and that people wouldn't want to be confronted with more. Shepard had argued her case vehemently, making sure that every c-sec and alliance soldier should have the funeral they deserved. The council, when faced with her wrath, had relented and the crowds had proved her right.

Silence fell as Shepard came to a halt, her right heel coming down with such force it made Traynor wince. The crowd shifted, listening. They listened almost reverently, with a desperation borne of those who know they are severed from their home worlds, who know they will go out and seldom come back.

At Shepard's command the Normandy came to attention, the entire crew standing straight and proud. The Commander looked ahead, past them, and out into the distance as her hand found the hilt of her sword and drew it in one liquid motion. The music stopped and the dock stilled as Shepard swung the blade around in an arc and up, until the flat of the blade lay vertical on her forehead and the tip of her nose. An ancient salute. Her eyes closed briefly before she whipped the blade back down to her side, holding it pointing down, the tip almost scraping the floor.

"They went with songs to the battle, they were young. Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow. They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted, they fell with their faces to the foe" Shepard's voice had the sadness of death in it- the sadness of death before life has finished its work, and she paused to take a breath. For the first time since entering the dock, her eyes wandered, tracing the line of the Normandy crew, meeting each of their gazes in turn. When piercing green met Traynors, the specalists skin tingled, and she swallowed.

"They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn..." Shepard's voice cracked slightly, the barest hint of emotion "At the going down of the sun and in the morning. We will remember them" she swung the sword up again, holding it so close to her face that her breath misted the blade "The glorious dead" there was a seconds pause before the sword was sheathed, the blade singing as one minute of silence stretched to two.

Off to the right of the three ranks there was the sound of a harsh boot stamp, and Ashley Williams marched forward, bringing herself to the front of the parade and stopping two paces short of Shepard. She gave the Commander a crisp salute, only bringing her hand down when the salute had been returned "permission to march off ma'am"

"Granted" Shepard nodded as Ashley saluted again, repeating the process before she turned to face the ranks "Parade will march off in column of route, right turn" Her voice was quieter than Shepard's, less sever and without the harsh snap of underlying rage, but the Normandy obeyed, and one solid, united stamp echoed through the dock.

"Parade" Ashley looked at them "By the left, quick, march" and it was done.


	11. Chapter 11

"You think so?" Shepard spoke into the comm. system as her eyes scanned her desk. In her fingers, the glass lay like something trapped, sweating light. The liquid it contained was the same colour as her eyes and swilled around lethargically in the dim lighting of her cabin, the glinting surface throwing highlights onto her face like veins of liquid jade.  
She drained the glass, and then studied it as the alcohol made its way down her throat. She turned the glass over in her hand, moving it carefully and smoothly, seemingly fascinated by the silky slickness of the un-etched parts. She held it up to the dull blue light of the aquarium, her eyes narrowing.

"Are you drinking Shepard?" Garrus asked, his voice sounding amused.

"I might be" Shepard paused "Why do you ask?"

"You get all pensive when you drink" She could hear the rasp of his breath, the dull chatter of his mandibles as his jaw moved "Do you have anything of urgency for me?"

"No. Just watch the ship, call me if anything happens that I need to know of. If you don't think it's important, then I won't" The glass between her fingers sparkled like a hundred tiny rainbows, and minute twists of bubbles in the slender stem glowed golden against the blue light, spiralling about each other in a fluted double helix.

"Don't worry Shepard I've got it, get some rest" the sound of talons rasping against metal echoed behind his voice.

"I will" She lowered the glass and stared at the medal on the desk in front of her, suddenly she jerked her arm, knocking the medal across the desk and sending it clattering into her console.

"Shit Shepard" Garrus said, his voice an octave higher than it was "I just crapped myself, what was that?" there was a scraping, tickling sound then silence "Are you trying to scare me?"

"No" Shepard smirked at his use of language "Sorry, just being" she paused "Pensive"

"And destructive"

"Maybe" Shepard rolled her head from side the side, wincing as her neck cracked and popped "What time is it anyway?"

"What? You're mumbling Shepard"

"Time, what time is it? And I wasn't mumbling"

"It's night time"

"Ha" Shepard smiled "I'm glad you're on board Garrus"

"You're drunk aren't you?"

"No!" Shepard could hear his mirth being held back "Besides, you almost managed to make that sound like a criticism"

"Never" The Turian laughed.

"Good night Garrus"

"Good night Commander" the comm. clicked off.

Shepard stood up and put the glass to one side, turning it upside down and running her fingers over the smooth cold underside. When she turned around, Liara was watching her from the doorway to the washroom.

"Was that Garrus?" The Asari's voice was husky and low and Shepard's breath flew from her chest, her stomach dropping like an elevator cut free. Liara, still wet from the shower, wore nothing but a plain white robe that came to mid-thigh, belted at the waist. She was barefoot, and faint drops of moisture had soaked through the material just beneath the swell of her breasts. Shepard could imagine the moisture anointing the smooth skin underneath and her own burst to life, tingling with a fine sheen of perspiration. Throat suddenly dry, she gestured towards the comm.

"I was just signing off" Shepard said, shrugging slightly.

"Good timing" Liara leaned her shoulder against the door frame, enjoying the stunned expression on Shepard's face. The Commander had washed and changed into a pair a black fatigues and a tight black t-shirt. She looked lean and beautiful and coiled tight as a spring. Liara had an irresistible urge to make her snap, she pushed away from the door "Did Helen look at your arm?"

"Yes" Shepard was rooted to the spot "a few torn muscles, nothing she couldn't fix" she had just enough time to finish her sentence before Liara fisted her hands in the Commanders shirt front and spun her against the wall.

"I am very glad" Liara pressed against the length of Shepard's body and with her lips brushing Shepard's, murmured "I've been wanting to do this since Mars Shepard"

Then Liara took Shepard's mouth with a fury that surprised them both. Shepard closed her eyes and let the Asari claim her, opening herself body and soul.

Liara drove a hand between them and forced it beneath Shepard's shirt, raking her fingertips over taught muscle before pushing them beneath the waistband of Shepard's trousers. Shepard swallowed a moan and lifted her hips, arching into the warm hand and giving Liara whatever she demanded.

Liara tore her lips away and Shepard gasped, reeling and unsteady "Down the steps" Liara panted, her vision dimmed by hunger that was rapidly consuming her rational mind.

"I need you to touch me..."

"I know" Liara stroked Shepard's face, running a fingertip over slightly parted lips, bruised by their passion "I know" with her eyes never leaving Shepard's, Liara reached back and took a firm hold of her hand, leading her down the few steps to the bedroom below.

Liara turned and reached out for the button on Shepard's fatigues "Are you alright with this?" she looked up into green eyes so hazy with desire they were almost grey.

"Idiot" came Shepard's soft reply, and when Liara pulled her shirt up and fingers brushed against the bare skin of her stomach, she shuddered, groaning deep in her chest "of course I am"

Liara smiled, watching the muscles twitch in Shepard's exposed abdomen as she continued to tease her with steady strokes of her nails on slick skin, edging lower each time until she heard Shepard stop breathing.

"Open your robe" Shepard whispered.

Wordlessly, Liara reached for the tie at her waist and slowly slid the sliver of fabric through her fingers, but did not release the knot "You do it"

Gaze locked on Liara's, Shepard reached for the belt and flicked the knot open with a deft turn of her wrist. Never breaking eye contact, she delicately slid a finger up under each edge of the partially opened robe, starting at Liara's waist and travelling slowly upward, just skimming the flesh beneath. Liara moaned at the feathery caresses, her control slipping away as her eyes turned to obsidian and her mind fought for the bond. When Shepard reached her breasts and slid her hands completely beneath the material and over the soft swells of flesh, her composure slipped. She reached out, abruptly putting one hand on Shepard's shoulder and pulling her forward until their foreheads were resting against each other. Liara didn't need to say anything as her mind reached out to Shepard's, tangling her in the thick, hazy, all encompassing fog that was them, united.

* * *

Shepard had learnt quickly that when you sleep beside an Asari with a head full of images, there is an osmosis, a certain sharing in the night. Or so she thought. She thought a lot at times like these, more than she ever had. Or maybe she was just more aware of the process, and the identity of thought and passing time. Sometimes she felt as though every instant she spent with Liara was a precious capsule of sensation to be lovingly wrapped and carefully placed somewhere inviolable, away from the destructions and horror rampaging through the galaxy.  
She lay, looking at her sleeping face in the dull orange light that bounced off the walls, and she stared at her skin, transfixed by the quick stillness of her, struck dumb with the physical fact of her existence, as though she was a mystical star thing that slept on unaware of its incandescent power. The casualness and ease with which she slept there amazed Shepard; she couldn't believe that such beauty could survive without some superhumanly intense conscious effort. _I'm getting soft in my old age._

In the rare times like this, she would lie and look at her and listen to the sounds that the ship made. The low hum of the engine, the occasional tick of the air recycling unit and the ever present sound of water and aqueous life. She liked it, somehow it seemed fit, but had she been younger, she'd have hated it, seen the Normandy as a cage. Here and now though, she could appreciate it, see it for the symbol that so many others did. A symbol of hope, of survival and of resistance in the dark.  
Shepard smiled as Liara stirred and nestled closer to her in sleep. That unconscious affection and the image of vulnerability she presented both intrigued and troubled Shepard. She was Shepard's greatest strength and her greatest weakness.  
Shepard ran her hand along the length of the Asari's side, marvelling at the smooth warmth beneath her fingertips. Their physical relationship seemed to her at once more whole and complete, and more defyingly complex than anything similar she had ever known. The paradox of love physically incarnate and the most personal invasion of the mind being the same thing though, tied her in knots, sometimes sickened her, as in the mist of her joy, she instinctually fought against the joining, and worse, innocently implanted her horrors in her Asari lovers mind. She tried hard not to let it bother her; at any time she could look at Liara and wrap her adoration for her around herself like a coat on a cold day, and see her life and body, moods and expressions, speech and movements as a whole enthralling field of study that she could submerge herself in like a scholar finding her life's work. _This is more like it, _she told herself_, this is more like the way it's supposed to be; with this, I can leave all that other stuff behind, the guilt of my failures, the war, the horrors and the fight._  
"Nothing lasts forever though" Shepard mumbled, her fingertips tracing idle patterns across blue skin.

"That's not true" A sleepy voice replied.

"How long have you been awake?" Shepard propped herself up on one elbow and wrapped her arm around Liara's waist, pulling her tight against her.

"Long enough to hear you mumbling to yourself" Liara covered Shepard's hand with her own and sank into the embrace, sighing with contentment "There are very few exceptions to nothing lasts forever, but there are exceptions, and amongst those no work or thought of humanity is numbered" Liara sounded far away, her voice low and heavy, as she fought sleep.

"How can you be this articulate when you've just woken up?" Shepard teased as she placed a chaste kiss on the Asari's cheek.

"Oh I've been awake a while. I find it difficult to sleep when your teasing me Shepard"

"Teasing you?" Shepard frowned, then thought about her idle ministrations on the Asari's skin and smiled "Sorry"

"Don't be" Liara shifted, turning around so she was lay on her back. She looked up at Shepard, lifted her hand and pushed a few errant strands of rich auburn hair out of her face "You look thoughtful Shepard"

"I suppose I am" she looked down at Liara and tried to tabulate all the things about her that she had come to love. In the end though, she wasn't sure all of that mattered. Shepard seemed to have found a calm, clear serenity in herself she hadn't even known was there, thanks to Liara, and that was what mattered now. The fact of her talent, her genius, played a role too. It added to the extent of Shepard's disbelief that the Asari could ever be content with her. The ability of Liara to be more than the thing she had come to love, and to present to the outside world an entirely different aspect, amazed her. Liara was what Shepard knew here and now, complete and rich and measureless, and yet when both of them were dead - and she could finally think about her own death again now, without fear- a world at least, many cultures perhaps, would know her as something utterly dissimilar, an architect, a scientist and a doctor; a fabricator of sets of meanings that, to Shepard, were just words on a page. Liara had told her that she would write Shepard's name in the stars, but she didn't want that, not really. She thought what Liara had really wanted at the time, was for Shepard to tell her the story of her life, of who she really was, but she had already told Liara she couldn't do that, there was too much she wasn't proud of, too much pain. But she realised now, that she didn't need to confess to Liara; there was no need. She had already unburdened Shepard, even if she didn't quite know how. _Memories _Liara had said to her once _are interpretations, not truth, and rational thought is just another instinct. _She had helped Shepard without even knowing it. She had mended her, reached back to something so buried she'd thought it inaccessible forever, and drawn its sting. Perhaps it was this that stunned Shepard the most, the effect that one person could have on her, and memories so terrible to her that she had long ago resigned herself to them only growing more potent with age. But Liara had just ringed them off, cut them out, parcelled them up and thrown them away and she hadn't even realised she had done it. She had no idea of the extent of her influence. She had made Shepard the solider she was today and because of that, she was the real hero of this conflict, and no one even knew.

"What are you thinking?" Liara was playing with a cord of Shepard's hair, wrapping it around her fingers and tugging it every now and then. It was something she loved to do, and something that highlighted so simply, just how different they were.

"Just thinking about you" Shepard sucked in a breath as Liara's fingers traced a delicate scar on her shoulder, the skin still sensitive.

"So many scars Shepard"

"Hazard of the job" Shepards eyes twinkled "I could have them all healed, but they're good" she paused "For remembering"

"Did Cerberus not remove them?" Liara frowned "I'm sure they did"

"Yes" Shepard nodded "I had them put back" she lay her palm on Liara's stomach and splayed her fingers, smiling at the contrast. She lay there for a moment, in silence, watching as Liara closed her eyes and smiled contentedly. Shepard looked at that smile. She had seen a few smiles in her life that she might have killed for, but never one she'd have died for. She smiled back, leant forward and kissed Liara's head. A slit of crystal blue appeared.

"Why do you always wake before me Shepard?" Liara drawled lazily.

"I don't know" Shepard sighed "I like watching you sleep"

"Why?" Liara asked.

"When you're awake, I don't have any time, you move and I miss things"

"What things?" She was puzzled.

Shepard nuzzled into Liara's shoulder. She kissed her neck and answered before she forgot the question completely "Everything you do. When you're asleep you hardly move, and I can take it all in, I have time" she sighed, propping her head up again as the unspoken horror that the war may cost them both more that time and pain lay between them "There's enough time"

"You..." Liara started then looked down. Her smile was achingly sad when she looked back up "You shouldn't worry about the future so much Shepard"

"I suppose"

"You think too much about what will be"

"Maybe we cancel out each other's obsessions, then"

Liara laughed "I suppose I walked into that one"

"I think sometimes, that I shouldn't have done this" Shepard rubbed her face with her free hand "That I should have pushed you away" a sigh.

"Why?" Liara gazed at her.

"Lots of reasons. All the past and all the future. Because of who you are and who I am. Because of all the things I can't give you. Just everything"

"Details" Liara waved her hand dismissively and Shepard gave a small laugh.

"I just worry" Shepard smiled at the look of disbelief on Liara's face "Yes, I do worry, occasionally"

"Then don't"

"Maybe it really is that simple" Shepard sighed "Perhaps I like to dwell on what could happen so that I'm never surprised. Does that worry you Liara?"

"Does what worry me?"

"That I... That I can't believe enough in myself, not to have doubts about what will happen in this war"

"No" Liara murmured into her neck "I don't worry about that"

Shepard hummed with contentment and wrapped her arms around the Asari.

"Shepard" Liara mumbled after a moment "You know we have to get up"

"Oh, yes" Shepard released her and rolled onto her back, sitting up and stretching her arms out, yawning and forcing her eyes wide. She looked across at Liara "I don't want to though"

"No, neither do I" Liara smiled, quickly leant over and kissed Shepard, then sprang out of bed and walked through the cabin "I'm using your shower Shepard" a pause "again" she disappeared up the few steps to the top of the cabin and hit the button to the washroom. A few moments later Shepard heard the sound of running water.  
With a sigh Shepard fell back onto the bed and closed her eyes, wondering if she could steal just a few more moments' peace before the Reapers, and the war entered her day.


	12. Chapter 12

Just a quick thanks for the messages and reviews so far. Some of the PM's have been really motivating :) and the feedback has hopefully helped me improve, so thank you, honestly it means so much to me to know people read this, and that some people actually enjoy it.

* * *

"Tali" Shepard said, smiling. They were alone together just outside the war room, and Shepard could hear the continuing squabbles of the other admirals "It's good to have you back on board" She put her hands out to the Quarians, squeezing them briefly then letting go.

Tali glanced back at war room "It's good to be back Shepard"

"Or should I call you Admiral?"

"No I don't think so" She gave a small, regretful laugh "It's more a formality than anything else, due to my expertise on the Geth"

Shepard took a deep breath, the breathed "The Geth"

Tali was silent for a moment, then shrugged and looked away "Always the Geth" she scratched at the floor with the toe of her boot.

"How did this happen?" Shepard asked quietly "Throwing lives at the Geth, again? I didn't realise it has escalated this far Tali, or I would have come sooner"

"No, Shepard" Tali shook her head, not looking at the Commander. She crossed her arms and started to walk slowly alongside the window that ran the length of the room "You had other things to worry about. I'm so sorry about Earth"

"It's a temporary thing" Shepard shrugged.

Tali watched, her eyes following pale fingers as they ploughed through tangled auburn hair in an almost frustrated motion. Shepard's face looked calm, and only someone who knew her well would have picked up on the certain ominousness beneath that placidity. Tali thought she looked older, thinner and more worn since the last time she'd see her, and her heart sank at the realisation that she was dropping yet more burdens on her friend's shoulders.

"Don't get involved in this Shepard" Tali said suddenly, wringing her hands.

Shepard shook her head "Tali..."

"We will pull together, as a people-"

"Tali, don't be silly I-"

"No Listen, we've done-"

"I don't care, I-"

"We'll go to the council, they might listen to us" Tali paused "Not that they ever have before but we will-"

"Tali" Shepard waved her silent "Shut up" she took the Quarians hands in hers for a moment, her bruised face shining palely in the blue tube lighting "We'll get you're people out safely alright?"

"Thank you Shepard"

"I'll be honest though Tali" Shepard let go of the Quarians hands and took a deep breath "I thought you were with the Admirals on this, you supported the war if it meant regaining Rannoch?"

"I did, once, but after talking with legion" She shrugged "I thought there was a chance for peace. But now I'm stuck, forced to show solidarity with the other Admirals for the sake of politics" She looked down at her feet "This is such a mess"

"The whole galaxy is a mess at the moment Tali" Shepard was stood, staring at her "But this? This is something we might actually be able to fix"

"I don't think there is anyone else who could Shepard" Tali kicked at the ground again "Are you alright?"

"What?"

"Are _you_ alright?" Tali took a deep breath "You know, are you holding up, with all this?" she gestured at nothing.

"I'm fine" Shepard gave her a lopsided smile then winced, bringing her fingertips to the healing wound on her cheek "Don't worry" looking down at her fingertips, she frowned "Come on, I'll show you the new" a pause "new Normandy, maybe you can sort out some of the efficiency problems we've been having"

"Just like old times Shepard?"

A small, bitter laugh "Yeah, maybe"

* * *

Liara prised the dead, still corpse from the control panel, well, she tried to, but it was wedged too tightly to be dislodged, so she kicked it instead. It's shattered face and torn wires stared back at her, mocking, unmoving. She heard Tali mutter something next to her and then the room lit up and forcing her to shield her face with her hand.

A rapidly enlarging halo of brightness peeled open in front of them, revealing a massive glaring ring of luminescence with a grey, metallic core, and oddly, N7 armour.

"Shepard Commander, help us"

"Holy Shit" Shepard, her visor automatically tinting to filter most of the glare, stepped forwards "Legion?" she looked up at Legions suspended body and whistled.

"Wait Shepard" Tali took hold of the Commanders arm "The Geth are being controlled by the Reaper signal" She gestured at Legion "For all we know, it's with them. It might have sided with the Reapers voluntarily or it could have been hacked?"

Shepard cast a glance down at the small hand that was gripping her arm and then looked back at Tali's face. She stood in silence for a moment, her eyes scanning the purple mask "Legion helped us fight the Reapers before, it would never have agreed to this" she paused "You know that"

"You're caution is understandable" Legion said "Release me and I will submit to any restraints you deem necessary"

"Well" Tali let go of Shepard and turned towards the suspended Geth "I never thought I'd ever say this, but it's good to see you again Legion"

"Likewise creator Zorah"

"So" Shepard waved her rifle at the console in front of them "What is this thing?"

"It uses our networking architecture to broadcast the old machines code to all Geth simultaneously" Legion answered, the metallic rims of his face flaring slightly as he looked at her.

"So, we get you out, the Reaper signal gets shut down?" Shepard shrugged "Seems straight forward enough"

"Yes" Legion made a nodding motion "Hardware blocks on the far wall are shackling our operating protocols, release them and we will be freed"

"Tali" Shepard pointed in the direction of another console a few meters away. The Quarian nodded, housed her shotgun and made her way over "So how did the Reapers get control of the Geth Legion?"

"They did not" His voice dimmed a little "The creators attacked and the Geth wished to live. The old machines extended an offer" he paused "It was a difficult decision. Had the creators not attacked, it would have been an unnecessary alliance"

Liara moved forwards, pulling to a stop next to Shepard as she shook her head "They allied with the Reapers to save themselves"

"Nothing excuses an alliance with the Reapers, they could have found another way" Tali said, still flicking buttons and switches. Glancing at the screens and dials in front of her, she grimaced at the conversation.

"That's not so easy to say when your only other option is to die" Liara muttered "It's hard to argue with a species trying to survive"

Tali's hands stopped moving "Damn it" her head drooped slightly "I begged them to negotiate rather than attack, I did!" a small red flashing light on the console blinked three times then flashed green "I did"

Shepard turned to Liara, her brows knitting into a frown "A little harsh?" She whispered.

Liara looked at Shepard and shrugged, noticing for the first time that Shepard was shivering "Are you alright?"

Shepard turned away and took a few steps towards Tali. Her breath was misting inside her helmet and she was cold, her whole body starting to ache. The Dreadnought may have had the luxuries of artificial gravity and lighting but the Geth had no need for heating, and the cold was starting to bother her. She could already feel herself slowing down as her body temperature dropped, and she'd started shivering the minute they had stopped moving "You don't think it's cold in here?" she watched her breath forming vapour on the inside of her faceplate.

"No" Liara shook her head.

"Forgot" Shepard looked at her "Asari tolerate cold a lot better than Humans" glancing at Tali she muttered "So do Quarians"

"We'll have this done soon Shepard" Liara pulled up something on her omni tool, scowling at the readouts she glanced back at Shepard "Really soon"

"Got it!" Tali said and put her finger to her comm. "Tali Zorah to fleet. The signal is about to go off line"

A burst of static and a distorted voice sounded back in their earpieces "This is Admiral Han'Gerral. We're in your debt"

There was a mechanical whirr and a hiss of hydraulics.

"Hardware blocks are offline. We are free" Legion spoke as the hardware blocks released him and the platform lowered him to the deck below.

Shepard leaned over the edge, peering down at the Geth as he froze in place, the light of his face flickering. Almost simultaneously, the electrical field behind them shrank and died with a popping fizz.

"As a gesture of cooperation, we have disabled the dreadnoughts drive core. All weapons and barriers are offline" Legion looked up at them, his face casting an eerie beam in the gloom of the ship.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you so much Legion" Shepard smiled and was about to say more when a noise on the deck above made her look.

"Alert" legion said, his voice sounding almost panicked "Geth reinforcements are approaching our position"

"It all went a little too smoothly" Tali said, drawing her shotgun.

"Goddess is that a prime?" Liara sighted down her pistol scope at the massive red bulk that dropped down the corridor behind them.

"Get into cover!" Shepard shoved Liara hard, forcing her into one of the alcoves as Tali took cover opposite. A crash they felt through their soles made them all jump.

Shepard peered out from the alcove just as a round of burning plasma seared past her face. The suits alarm sounded in her ear and she jerked back, pressing her back against the wall "Oh it's a prime alright" she pushed her finger to her comm. "Tali can you disable it?"

"I can try"

Suddenly Admiral Raan sounded on the comm. _"Civilian fleet, prepare to withdraw. The patrol fleet will cover you once the heavy fleet is in position"_

There was a heavy tearing sound of metal being ripped and the ground shook _"Admiral Gerral what are you doing?"_

_"Raan check your screen! The dreadnought is helpless, we can remove their flagship if we strike now!"_

_"This is our chance to withdrawn the civilian fleet safely!"_

"What are you talking about?!" Tali screamed as the ship rocked again "We're still on board!"

_"We can't wait, heavy fleet take out the Dreadnought now_!" Gerrel sounded nonchalant.

"What are they doing?" Tali looked at Shepard.

"Are they firing on us?" Liara was wide eyed.

"Worry about the Geth, deal with the admirals later" Shepard ducked out of cover and fired four shots at the massive prime. She was a white hot ball of rage. The prime took a lumbering step forwards, the impact sending a quivering thump through the deck. She fired again.

_"Open fire on the Dreadnought"_

Shepard closed her eyes and ground her teeth as that command sank in. She had no time to brace herself as the ship jerked violently. Two of the supporting rods above them gave way, the stressed metal flapping and spinning, smashing into their deck and sending the three of them tumbling backwards.

"Shepard commander, the creator fleet is firing upon this vessel!" Legion shouted up at them as he gracefully side stepped a sheet of falling metal "Without barriers this ship will be destroyed, we must evacuate" he staggered as another round of shots hit the ship "We must get to the Geth fighters, we can pilot one to safety. Sending you coordinates"

Shepard ducked next to Liara and looked at her omni tool "Change of plan. Ignore the Geth, don't waist the time killing them if you don't have to. Our priority is to get to the fighter deck" She looked up "there" her rifle pointed in the direction of a half open door "Go!" She pushed Liara forwards, watching as Tali took off after her in a dead run. "Shepard to fleet. Hold fire, I repeat hold fire!" Shepard glanced back briefly. The prime was struggling with the debris, is path blocked by the wreckage of the deck above. She shook her head and ran after her team.

* * *

Rounding another corner Liara froze.

"Keelah!" Tali cried as she slammed into the back of the Asari.

Shepard was in front of them, her rifle raised. A partially dismembered Geth was on the floor in front of her. It lifted its heavy shotgun and flicked the trigger.

A section of deck a meter in front of Shepard ruptured in flame and glowing metal, heaving up then collapsing back down, a blister of gases blowing out from it and rocking Shepard off her feet so that she staggered and almost fell. She steadied and stood, visibly shaking with rage, and fired three controlled bursts at the Geth, it's face and the remains of its torso erupting into a cloud of shrapnel. Shepard tilted her head and shouldered her rifle, walking back towards them almost at a saunter, as though nothing had happened.

"Shepard Commander, we have taken control of docking protocols" Legion's voice echoed in her ear "We can only launch from the upper levels"

"Yeah yeah" Shepard looked at Tali and Liara "Let's go people" she jerked her head in the direction of the upper level gangway.

They'd only gone a few meters before the ship shuddered and a great roaring noise erupted around them. The gangway they were stood on started to groan and several of the bulkhead panels fractured, falling to the floor in front of them.

Liara cursed and started running flat out. She could see the door to the dock just above them. Suddenly a section of wall sprang out like an opening door and she barely avoided running into it. Tali grabbed her arm and yanked her sideways and she staggered, the noise of tearing metal filling her ears.

Liara risked a backwards glance and quickly wished she hadn't. The whole end of the corridor was coming towards them, closing in with a grinding roar. There was another loud shudder and the corridor filled with smoke. She could hear Shepard and Joker in her ear, a babble of tiny voices but they were swamped by the thundering noise behind her. With a grunt, she staggered and the deck beneath her feet bucked and trembled. The plates and panels which made up the deck were buckling; the floor rose up in places; more of the bulkhead shattered and fell. Another explosion and suddenly she was airborne as some sapping force pulled her up and back towards.

"Legion!" Shepard's voice rose above the sound of tearing metal "Grab her!" She'd got purchase on the upper deck using her mag-locks and was currently holding onto Tali for dear life.

"Shepard Commander we cannot-" Legion looked at Liara then back to Shepard. The Asari had started to spin and was dangerously close to the hull breach.

"Legion, you stupid motherfucking son of a bitch's bastard!" Shepard scream as she tugged Tali onto the deck next to her "Get her!"

Liara couldn't make out much over the thumping of her heart and the roar of blood in her ears, but she heard Shepard curse. She was starting to feel sick as her spin gathered strength and she kicked out her feet in some vain hope of gaining purchase on one of the rapidly passing decks. The outer shell of the ship was starting to fold in on itself, causing the remaining decks to tilt further. A hatch just off to her right blew out in a gust of pressurised air and flying debris. She made herself into a ball, felt splinters strike her suit and cursed as something bounced off her head.

Behind her, Liara could hear Legions steps pounding as Shepard continued to scream abuse at him over the comm. There was a sound like rushing water and then her ankle was grabbed by cold metallic fingers.

She skidded as she hit the deck, her mag-locks engaging and making her knees buckle. Thankfully Legion was right behind her, grabbing her by the back of her suit and bodily hauling her up. The noise behind her was like a gigantic waterfall, a massive rock-slide, like a continuous explosion, a volcano of heat and sound. Her ears ached and her mind reeled, stunned by the volume of the racket. As she ran, the wall next to her buckled then exploded towards her, throwing debris and shrapnel at her suit in a series of small hard clouds. She put her head down and sprinted for the doorway.

"Bastards bastards" Shepard bellowed.

"-They're almost here!"

"-Not Stopping"

"-come on!"

Voices screamed in Liara's ear.

It seemed like the pull behind her was less now, but she was weakening, running in a daze, trying to keep her balance as the last stretch of deck vibrated and twisted beneath her. There was a final rush of air and suddenly she was being gripped by familiar hands as Shepard's face swam into view.

"Go go go!" The Commander shouted as the four of them all but fell through the door into the docking bay.

"Shepard Commander" Legion jumped into the cockpit of the nearest fighter and opened a hatch on the back "Does the storage compartment have adequate room Shepard Commander?"

Shepard grunted as she squeezed into the compact space "We're fine, just go"

"Liara, are you ok?" Shepard grabbed her face a little harder than she ought to have, twisting it to look at her. She looked pale, her eyes unfocused and glazed. Several bloody smears marred her cheeks and forehead "Liara?" The Asari didn't show any sign of hearing her "Fuck, get a move on Legion"

"Yes Shepard Commander"

* * *

With the Geth fighter stored in the shuttle bay, Shepard lifted Liara out of the back, cradling her limp body like she would a child. At some point on the flight to the Normandy the Asari had faded out of consciousness and Shepard had tried her best to make her comfortable.

"Cortez, Vega" Shepard walked towards the two men "Take her to the med bay" she gave Liara to the big marine, handling her like she was made of glass "You let me know the minute she comes round, understood?"

"Yes ma'am" Vega nodded and made his way to the lift.

"Cortez see what you can do with this fighter, if there's nothing useful on it, blow it out the air lock"

"Ma'am" He nodded.

"Tali, with me"

Tali didn't say anything on the lift ride up to the CIC, she was too afraid. She tried to think of a time when she had ever seen Shepard this angry. She couldn't. There seemed to be a dark wash of anger coming from her, radiating from her very pores. She wanted to comfort Shepard, apologise to her for the way her people had behaved, but she knew it would be wasted. Instead she followed the Commander through the CIC and into the war room, where the Admirals were now gathered, still arguing.

Shepard, never one for subtlety, silenced them by flinging her helmet at the row of consoles between them. It bounced twice, shattering two of the control panels before coming to a stop on the grill beneath them.

"Shepard, I know you must be angry" Admiral Raan held up her hands "I'm sorry I-"

"I'm not angry" Shepard's voice was like ice, flat, emotionless "I'm way past angry"

"I was within my authority as Admiral of the heavy fleet! You all escaped. The mission parameters changed, you're military, you understand that Shepard" Gerrel crossed his arms as he spoke.

Shepard looked at him as she made her way down the few steps to where he was stood "You fired at me" She shouted into his face and shook the Quarian by the front of his suit. The other Admirals began shouting and the room erupted in a cacophony of denials and apologies.

Suddenly Shepard had something in her hand, a small molecular knife that she'd pulled from some compartment in her suit. The room fell silent again.

"You nearly killed me" Shepard snarled at Gerrel as she pulled him close, her nose all but touching the front of his mask "And I have a crew member in the med bay" Shepard shouted, leaning impossibly closer "You wasted you're chance to withdraw safely"

"The dreadnought was a perfect target!" The Admiral roared back at her.

"Shepard...!" Tali cried out as Shepard bought the knife to the Admirals face. She watched in horror as the Commander mimicked the action of sliding it around the seal of his mask, carefully, precisely - almost artistically- she mimed taking the mask apart. It was death woven into an aesthetic experience. The arrogant grace of the act and the absolute-zero coldness of her sophisticated viciousness, impressed Tali as much as it appalled her. She had never thought Shepard would act in such a way, but now, she was terrified.

"Admiral, it would be so easy to kill you" Shepard's voice was soft "You jeopardised your mission and your people" she ran the knife along the major seal in his suit - just under the mask and down his chest - pushing just hard enough that he could feel it, but not enough to rupture it "And that's fine" Shepard nodded "But you jeopardised my people, and that's not fine at all" There was a hideous moment of silence and Tali could see Shepard fist shaking as it closed tighter around the knife. With one sudden motion, the Commander released the Admiral and simultaneously drove her fist into his stomach.

Gerral grunted and staggered, both hands clutching his middle.

"Get off my ship Admiral, never come back" Shepard slid the unused knife into the holster at her waist and watched dispassionately as he scurried away.

Tali stared at Shepard, no longer seeing her as a friend and mentor, but the personification of all the horrors of the war twisted into a thing of lethal beauty. It was hard to reconcile the woman who'd held her hands just a few hours ago, to the angry, vicious, chaotic woman in front of her now.

"Shepard I understand that you're angry" Admiral Raan spoke slowly, cautiously.

"Admiral, don't" Shepard cut her off.

"He nearly got us killed Raan" Tali cut in, making her way down the steps and standing just next to Shepard. With caution, she put her hand on the small of Shepard's back, letting out a relieved breath when Shepard seemed to accept the comfort and relax slightly.

"You must understand, the Geth inflicted heavy losses before you disabled the Reaper signal" Raan looked away "But it seems the worst of it is over now, the Geth no longer have the programming upgrades they had when enslaved by the Reapers"

Shepard heard the door to the war room open and Legions voice suddenly filled the room "Shepard Commander, we are prepared to offer assistance"

"What the hell is this?!" Raan gasped at the sight of Legion, her breath leaving her in a sharp cry as she staggered backwards.

"Calm down" Shepard said, smirking oddly "That's Legion, he helped me destroy the collectors. The Reapers were using him like a signal booster to broadcast commands from the dreadnought. We freed him"

"It" Tali corrected Shepard "we freed it"

Shepard just shrugged, her disturbing smirk still present.

"This is a fascinating prototype, with some study I might..." Admiral Xen started but didn't get chance to finish.

"I don't think you want to continue that line of thinking Admiral" Shepard took an aggressive step towards her "He helped me fight the collectors"

"So did your pistol, should I worry about its feelings too?" Xen snapped.

"Legion is more welcome on this ship than you ever will be" Shepard took another step but found her arm enveloped in Tali's grasp. For a moment Shepard just looked at Tali, then turned her attention back to Xen "One warning Admiral, stop talking, or get out"

"What can you tell us about the Geth?" Raan took the opportunity to reign back control of the situation "How will they react without Reaper guidance?"

"That is a false assumption. You have cut off long-range control but the old machines placed a base on Rannoch for short range direction" Legion spoke directly to Raan.

"The Geth still have the upgrades?" Raan was horrified.

"Correct" Legion made a motion like a nod "Although they are currently disorganised, once the short range signal is in place they will recover"

"I need to warn the fleet!" Raan pointed at Xen "Xen, coordinate with Gerrel. Move!" she barked the order "Shepard, we need to take out the Reaper base"

Shepard crossed her arms and nodded "We?" Her eyes were blood shot and she seemed distracted "I help you, you try to kill me. Then you ask me to help you again?"

"Shepard, I'm sorry about what happened, but you have our fleet at your disposal if we can do this" Raan actually sounded concerned.

"I'll be honest Admiral Raan, your people do less and less to endear themselves to me every time I meet them" Shepard shook her head "But you'll have the Normandy's help. Legion" She turned to the Geth "Where is the base?"

"Unknown"

"Find it"

"Yes Shepard commander"

"Keep me updated" Shepard turned back to Tali and Raan "The Normandy is at your disposal until this is over. Admiral, Tali can show you around" she sighed and ran her fingers through her hair "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get cleaned up"

"Of course Commander" Raan replied "And thank you, I mean it"

Shepard just nodded as she made her way up the stairs, pausing momentarily to retrieve her helmet from the floor. When the doors had closed, Admiral Raan let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"I feared for Gerrel then" she said to Tali, her voice quiet.

"Me too" Tali paused "I've never know Shepard to react like that Admiral, even at the darkest of times"

"War has a tendency to bring out the worst in people Tali" she shook her head sadly "And people will do whatever they need to in order to survive"


	13. Chapter 13

Really sorry about the gap between the last update, I got sent away on a training course and spent the last few weeks sitting in a muddy field with no comms! Thank you so much everyone who is supporting this, updates should go back to being fairly regular again now.

* * *

The combination of a low hum and a familiar presence woke Liara. She turned on her side, towards the cabin doors, and opened her eyes to the dull orange glow of an omni tool display. Shepard was sat, relaxed in Liara's desk chair, wearing a set of casual fatigues. Her expression was pensive as she gazed at the dim display.

Lying still, Liara took advantage of the very rare opportunity to Study Shepard in repose. So often their time together was spent at briefings, in the company of other team members, or more and more often, fighting for their lives. Being alone with Shepard, especially in quietude, was a rare treasure, but as was so often the case, the gift was fleeting.

Shepard turned her head and looked across at the bed, a soft smile curving her lips as her eyes met Liara's "Sounds odd, but I thought I felt you wake up"

"I'm surprised you're here" Liara said quietly, stretching beneath the rumpled sheets. Her body felt sore, bruised and exhausted "How did you get in?" She narrowed her eyes at Shepard.

"That would be telling" Shepard's smile widened and she arched one delicate brow "One of Commander Shepard's little secrets"

"Tali?"

"Yeah"

"I thought so" Throwing back the light coverings and swinging her legs to the floor, Liara smiled. She glanced around, looking for her trousers. Once she'd gotten back from the med bay, she'd showered and changed into an alliance compression suit, intending to check on her feeds before getting some sleep, but as soon as she had lain on the bed, the exhaustion had crept up on her.

Shepard got up and retrieved the Asari's clothes from a heap on her desk opposite, handing them to her with a smile "You should wear Alliance more often" She murmured appreciatively as Liara stepped into her trousers, the compression top shifting to reveal a hit of blue abdomen. Then her gaze was pulled to the spattering of cuts and abrasions that marked the Asari's face and hands. Although not deep, some of them would scar "How are you feeling?" Shepard asked, her mind replaying the exact moment when Legion had almost failed to catch her.

Wondering at the odd tone in Shepard's voice, Liara fastened her trousers and met her lover's exquisitely expressive eyes. Quickly, she crossed to her, slid both arms around her waist from behind, and pressed her chest to Shepard's back "Don't"

Resting her weight against Liara's body, Shepard folded her arms over Liara's to hold her closer "Don't what?" she mumbled, closing her eyes.

"Don't remember. It's over" Liara kissed the sensitive spot just below Shepard's ear "Let it go"

Once, that subtle command would have bothered Shepard, but now it didn't. The tenderness ablated any edge the words may have carried "No one has ever been able to read my mind before"

Liara laughed "Not your mind Shepard, your eyes" She shook her head "You say so much with them" she paused "I wish we had more time, like this"

Shepard drew a swift breath, surprised by the admission. She had never doubted Liara's feeling's for her, but she had never expected to occupy a place of such pivotal importance in the Asari's life. Liara was nothing if not strong and independent - so much so that sometimes she drove Shepard to distraction. No doubt their relationship had enjoyed some stormy moments, and even now they locked horns on almost a daily basis, usually over what Liara considered Shepard's recklessness or information relating to the broker network. Professionally they had both learnt to compromise with their positions, but personally they had barely defined their present, let alone their future.

"Being spaced is a terrible way to die" Shepard said quietly "You were so close, and I couldn't help you" Shepard turned to face Liara, but kept within the circle of her arms "Whatever time I have is yours"

"You mean that?" Blue eyes searched green.

Shepard knew it wasn't much, but it was the only commitment she could make "Of course" she kissed Liara lightly on the lips "I have to go"

"I know, you always do" Liara pushed aside the melancholy with a shrug "Were you just going to sit here if I hadn't woken up?"

"Probably" Shepard gave her a wry smile "I just needed to know you were safe" she looked away "We will be making a drop on Rannoch soon, and I want you to sit this one out Liara"

"Shepard I..."

"I know" Shepard held a hand up to forestall her protest "But you're not cleared by Dr Chakwas yet and it's too soon to be back in the field"

Liara frowned "You can't ask me to do that" her voice rang hollow. She recognised the tone of Shepard's voice for exactly what it was, the departure of her lover and the return of the Alliance Commander.

"You understand my concerns?" Shepard asked, stepping out of Liara's embrace and putting some distance between them.

"Yes" Liara nodded "But I 'm fine Shepard, you go out in the field with worse injuries than this on practically a daily basis" anger edged her voice.

"This is not a request Liara" Shepard spoke firmly "There is one thing I need to ask you to do for me while I'm gone"

"What's that?" Liara frowned as Shepard looked away.

"Speak to Admiral Gerral on my behalf" She wouldn't make eye contact with Liara "We had an altercation earlier, things might get difficult if he can't look at things objectively, and you're probably the most diplomatic person I have on board"

"Altercation?"

"Yeah" Shepard drew the word out, her gaze finally landing back on Liara's "I nearly killed him"

There was silence in the room until eventually Liara uttered a small 'oh'.

"Yeah, Oh"

"I'll speak to him Shepard, do what I can" Liara nodded "Stay safe"

Shepard gave her a puzzled look, as if debating something in her head "I'll try" She made a motion as if she wanted to say more but thought better of it "Thanks" and with that, she left.

"No problem Commander" Liara muttered as the door to her cabin closed.

* * *

"I can't believe it, it hasn't really sunk in yet" Tali stood up slowly, grains of red sand pouring through her fingers "Look at the sky, and the rock formations, I used to write poems about them!"

"Well, when we're done, maybe you'll write a new one" Shepard said as she moved closer to Tali.

"This is Rannoch, the home of our ancestors, our bodies carried the seeds that spread the desert grass" Tali took a few steps forward, looking at the view "You've heard me say 'Keelah se'lai'? The best translation I can come up with, 'is by the home world I hope to see someday'"

Shepard followed the Quarian "Looks like you're seeing it now" Shepard wished she could see Tali's face, it would be so much easier to judge her feelings.

For a moment Shepard just looked out at the horizon line and marvelled at the fabled Quarian home world. It reminded Shepard of a high altitude desert, flat and shining, dotted with dark outcrops like jagged islands on a sea of hot sand and dust. In the distance, a dark writhing column of a dust devil danced, like a ghostly impersonation of a waterspout, and the view of the encircling mountains, all shimmering in the heat, was bleakly impressive.

The sky above was a hazy shining blue, darkening with the coming night, and pockets of gasses and dust formed multicoloured clouds.

"The living room will be right here" Tali formed a box with her hands and held it to the sky.

"Something I should know?" Shepard smiled, the whimsical hope in Tali's voice was infectious.

"I just claimed this land. I know it doesn't mean much, but when this is all over Shepard, I will have a home"

"Then let's get this done" Garrus spoke as he drew closer "Sooner this base is destroyed, the sooner you can have your home" He put one hand on Tali's shoulder "I'll admit, it's no Palaven, but it's not bad" his eyes scanned the horizon.

"Thank you" Tali said, placing her hand on his "All of you" She looked at Shepard.

"Don't thanks us yet" Shepard said, drawing her rifle and exchanging the thermal clip "We still have a lot of work to do" she looked up "Let's go"

* * *

"Normandy's weapon systems are ready to sync to your target" If Shepard didn't know better, she would have sworn there was urgency in EDI's tone "We recommend you withdraw to a safe distance"

"Down the ladder, ground side, now" Shepard barked as Garrus and Tali began their descent.

"Shepard?" Garrus muttered as he stepped onto the first rung.

"I'll be down as soon as this is done" She pulled the targeting laser from her back, pushed it into her collar bone and sighted "And this is all it takes to regain an entire world" she pressed the trigger, holding it until her finger hurt and sweat dripped into her eyes. Watched as the blue beams crawled impossibly closer to each other.

"Target locked" EDI sounded in her ear as a shrill noise indicated the weapon was fixed. Shepard, all but exhausted, glanced up as the Normandy shot past.

A line of light and sound seemed to fill the sky, ending in the massive pit beneath where Shepard stood. The bright stalk of noise and flame blossomed into an explosion she felt through her suit.

"Shit" Shepard cursed as the platform she was stood on rocked and tilted, jarring violently. With a shout, she was thrown sideways, one of her arms disappearing into a cloud of flame and smoke as she fell over the edge and crashed down, bouncing off the deck below. For a moment her fall was broken as one leg snagged over the guard rails of the middle deck. Shrapnel bounced off her helmet as she hung limp for a few more seconds; then the guard rail gave way, snapping cleanly off and falling to the ground. She thought she heard someone call her name as she fell.

After a while it was quite again, and she blinked, trying to see through the blackness of her visor. Painfully she reached up and rubbed it with her fingertips, trying to clear the view, but was horrified when she realised the smeared dark liquid was blood, and it was on the inside. She groaned as she rolled over and got to her knees, popping the faceplate open and coughing blood onto the deck.

The pit was a smouldering ruin, belching flame and smoke at her as she shielded her face, but something wasn't right "That noise" Shepard muttered, getting to her feet "that fucking noise" She staggered backwards as a great lumbering ship crawled free from the pit "Reaper!" She screamed into her comm.

"Shepard Commander, we have acquired transportation" Legion sounded in her ear as small Geth vehicle darted out next to her.

"Copy that, everybody get to the ship, move!" She could already see Tali and Garrus ahead of her, practically at the Geth vehicle already.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted at her as she ran towards them, his hand indicating something behind her. He pulled his sniper rifle, took less than a second to line the shot, and fired.

Half the shattered face of a Geth trooper ricocheted off her shoulder and made her stagger.

She tried -as she ran in something like a trance, as her breath streamed back and forth through her wide opened mouth- to imagine how close she had been to the Reaper, and how long it would take the great machine to finally fire upon her.

When she reached the Geth ship, she skidded to a halt and clambered ungracefully onto its roof where a turret gun sat, unmanned.

Garrus nodded at her and dived into the hatch below.

"We will attempt evasive manoeuvres" legion said as he pulled away, kicking up dust and debris as the hover craft swirled in the sand.

_"Shepard, that thing is huge, how are we supposed to fight that?" _Tali asked over the comm. as she fought to catch her breath.

"I was hoping your fleet might lend a hand!" Shepard twisted the turret to face the ship as its million tonne mass lifted impossibly higher. As though in a dream, Shepard could see the ship all around her, still wrapped in smoke and cloud but lit from above by a golden wash of sunset. Its great towering spine seemed unaffected by the earlier explosion as its vast structure slid towards them, its single point of focus beginning to glow red.

"Fuck" Shepard hung onto the turret "Shepard to fleet, it is not a Reaper base, it's a live Reaper, I need an orbital strike" Her voice sounded calm but hard as she waited for Legion to put distance between them and the enormous target "We're clear, fire at will"

Shepard watched as the might of the Quarian fleet pounded the outer shell of the ship. Legion slowed the hovercraft as the Reaper staggered under the flames and debris, falling and twisting with an almost tantalising grace.

_"Did we hit?"_ Gerral's voice, tight and strained, sounded in the comm.

"The firing chamber. Looks like a weak spot when it's priming"

_"Damn it, the jamming towers have us targeting manually, we can't get a precision shot"_

"We may escape before it recovers" Legion added.

Shepard paused for a moment as she listened to the chatter "No, pullover"

"Shepard Commander?" Legion questioned as he pulled the craft to a stop.

Shepard climbed down off the hull and surveyed the craft "If we run, the Geth stay under Reaper control and the Quarians are dead" The weight of her responsibility almost closed her throat "This has to end now" she spat another mouthful of blood onto the sand "EDI patch the Quarians to the Normandy weapons systems. I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn fleet" There was a long pause before EDI responded.

"Understood"

"Do you need assistance?" Legion asked from the cockpit.

"Get the team clear Legion" Shepard pulled the targeting laser free "I'll take it from here"

"Shepard Commander" Legion paused "Good luck"

Shepard almost laughed "acknowledged" if a Geth was whishing her luck then things must be bad. The hovercraft revved its engines once and pulled away "Shepard to fleet. I'll paint the weak spot, link up with the Normandy and be ready to fire"

"The destroyer is in range, missiles are primed and ready to launch" EDI announced.

Shepard took a knee as she faced the staggering beast. She couldn't outrun it, couldn't over power it, she just had to face it. One clear, targeted shot would be all she needed.

It was hard to believe the Reaper was nothing but a ship as it reared up on its legs and bellowed at her. The sound was like something you might have heard from an enormous choir of basses singing a slow, sonorous hymn in a language you would never understand. It was a bone battering and she felt it through her head and teeth.

Through the smoke and dust, the thing lumbered like a bad dream of an insect; massive, multi-jointed legs thick with weapons clusters, it stood, seemingly looking straight at her. Something rotated on its head. Then silently a red light built in the firing chamber. Shepard swallowed.

"Oh shit" Shepard heard herself say, and thought what pathetic words those were. The last thing the galaxy would ever hear from her mouth were those two unoriginal and wholly inadequate words.

She pulled the trigger and waited, watching the two holographic lines pull together as that red light gained strength. She could taste her own blood in her mouth; hear the roar of her heart beat in her ears and then suddenly, finally a shrill sound. She released the trigger and knew instinctively that she'd waited too long.

The Reapers beam fired.

Shepard dropped the gun and rolled to her right, staggering to a run as the very air around her streaked with fanned red light, intensely bright, searing, bleaching and burning exactly where she had been stood.

An instant later a series of colossal, still greater outbursts of light, just barely distinguishable as being made up of hundreds of small, bright flares rather than one big eruption - made a white hot sun where the Reaper was stood. Explosions shook and battered her from both sides. She put her head down, wrapped her fingers around the back of her helmet and waited for the explosions to stop.

When the smoke cleared, Shepard stood up and looked idly, groggily down at the shattered remains of the Reaper.

"You are Shepard" A sound like a thousand voices bellowed from the ship as a small red light pulsed dully in its depths.

Shepard staggered back, horrified "You know of me?" she replied.

"Harbinger has spoken of you" The voice died and then returned "You resist"

"I always will" Shepard gathered her anger.

"It is pointless, you will not succeed. You are chaos, we are order"

"What?" Shepard shook her head, regretting it instantly as a wave of dizziness pitched her forward.

"We are your salvation"

"No" Shepard spat "You're not my salvation. Not now, not ever"

"There must be order"

Shepard went to say more but the tiny pulsing light extinguished, leaving nothing but the empty husk of a machine in its wake.

* * *

Tali moved as fast as she could towards Shepard, stepping shakily through a debris strewn corridor of towering rock. When she was within arm's reach she called to the Commander but got no response. The human just stared forward, eyes focused on the massive wreck in front of her. Gently, she put her hand out and lay it on Shepard's shoulder.

"You did it" Tali said, awe colouring her voice "You took down a Reaper" there was a thick pregnant pause.

"We did it" Shepard said, her throat bubbling.

"Shepard" Tali turned the woman to face her and swallowed her shock. The Commanders visor was up and her face was splattered in blood, her lips and chin coated "Keelah Shepard are you-"

"I'm all right" She pulled away from Tali and removed her helmet.

"We can confirm the Geth are no longer being controlled by the old machines, we are free" Legion said as he approached Shepard from the other side.

_"You did it! The Geth fleet has stopped firing. They are completely vulnerable"_ Gerral sounded over the comm. and Shepard sighed.

"Shepard Commander, the Geth only acted in defence after the creator fleet attacked" Legion shut down his omni tool and walked towards her "Do we deserve death?"

"What are you suggesting Legion?" Shepard looked at the Geth as it paced; an almost human reaction to its situation.

"Our upgrades" Legion walked towards her "With the old machine dead we could upload them to all Geth without sacrificing their independence"

"You want to upload the Reaper code?" Tali stuttered.

"Yes. Each Geth unit would be a true intelligence. We would be alive, we could help you"

"No" Tali argued "Our fleet is already attacking! Uploading the code would destroy us" she turned to Shepard and grabbed her by the shoulders "Shepard you can't choose the Geth over my people!"

"Do you remember the question that caused your people to attack us creator Zoorah?" Legion turned to face Tali "Does this unit have a soul?"

Shepard pulled free of Tali and shook her head "Upload the code to the Geth" for the first time ever, Shepard was glad she couldn't see the Quarian's face "Tali call off the fleet if you can"

"Keelah! Shepard they won't listen, you know this!" Tali was frantic as she put her finger to her comm. "This is Admiral Tali Zorah. All units break off your attack!" She all but sobbed the words out.

"Ten percent" Legion commented as he began the upload.

_"Delay that order, continue the attack!" _Gerral barked back.

"I should have killed that fucking man" Shepard growled.

"I beg you Shepard, don't do this" Tali pleaded "Please"

Shepard looked on impassively as Legion continued to upload the code "Shepard Listen to me!" Tali shouted as she bought her hand up.

Shepard caught the Quarian by the wrist just as her hand was about to strike her face. Green eyes flashed and for a moment their gazes locked "Tali, after everything, why can't you just trust me? Or do you think I'm that much of a monster?" She moved her hand, positioning it so her fingers were linked with the Quarians.

"We regret the deaths of the creators, but we see no alternative" Legion glanced at them "Forty percent"

"No" Shepard gave the fingers in hers a squeeze "No one else dies today. Legion, keep going"

"Shepard?" Tali's voice was hopeful.

"All ships" Shepard took a deep breath and levelled her voice "This is Commander Shepard, the Reaper is dead. Stand down!"

Tali let go of Shepard's hand and started her omni tool "This is Admiral Tali Zorah, Shepard speaks with my authority!"

_"And mine as well!"_ The voice of Admiral Koris chimed.

_"Negative" _Gerral barked _"We can win this war, keep firing!"_

"Joker" Shepard Glanced at Tali "Target Admiral Gerral's ship, fire a warning shot, keep weapons locked, let him know you mean business"

"Aye aye Commander" Joker replied, distracted.

Shepard addressed the fleet again "Gerral!" Shepard barked "The Geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking, they will wipe you out. Your entire history is war with the Geth" Shepard closed her eyes "The Geth don't want to fight you and if you can believe that for just one minute then this war will be over" Shepard sounded impossibly tired "You have a choice"

There was a burst of awkward static _"All units" _Gerral said at length _"Hold fire"_

"Thank you!" Tali slumped, her head falling forward as she exhaled.

"Error copying code. Direct personality dissemination is required" legion stopped what he was doing and turned to Shepard "Shepard Commander, I must go to them. I'm sorry, it's the only way"

"Legion?" Tali approached the Geth "I'm sorry" she shook her head "The answer to your question though, was yes"

"I know Tali, but thank you" Legion turned from her "Keelah sa'lai" was the last thing he said before his body went limp and collapsed, his knees giving way first so that he just seemed to sit heavily, before falling over backwards.

Shepard let out a long breath and sat down, slumped upon the floor. She rubbed her face with both hands and sighed deeply "Well, that was close" she was suddenly tired, full of aches and utterly depressed.

Tali took a seat next to her "A little too close" she agreed "Listen, Shepard I-"

"No" Shepard held up a bloody glove "Don't say anything, I'm savouring"

"Savouring?"

"My moment of fleeting victory" She held out her arms to indicate the horizon.

"Ah" Tali nodded and wrung her hands "It will be some time before we can leave our suits completely, but Shepard, I wanted to give you this" Tali reached up and without ceremony, removed her mask.

Shepard gave Tali a lazy smile as she studied the face of her friend for the first time. Despite the rest of the helmet disturbing her view, she could make out a spill of thick, heavy black hair. Her skin was pale under the sunset's reflection, and her brows were elegant black curves under a wide forehead and a crescent of swept back hair. Her eyes were large and dark, and wide cheek bones helped balance a proud jaw. To Shepard, it was the face of hope.

After a moment Tali reached up and kissed her fingertips, then leant over and placed them on Shepard's bruised and bloodied ones "Thank you Shepard" she spoke without the mask for the first time and her voice sounded softer and more languid "For giving me back my home"

"I didn't give you anything" Shepard looked out at the horizon "All I did was shout" She smirked then winced as her lip split.

Tali frowned and replaced her mask "Come on Shepard" She gave the Commander a hand up, pulling her to her feet and holding her steady as she swayed "Let's get you back to the Normandy" She slipped her arm around Shepard's waist.

"You're coming?" Shepard asked around a cough "I wasn't going to ask"

"I know" Tali shrugged "But I belong on the Normandy, I always have"


	14. Chapter 14

Some dribble really, because I've written a lot of action lately! Thanks everyone who's gotten in touch to encourage me, again, I cannot stress how much it means to me that you make the effort to feedback, be it good or bad.

* * *

"So this is what we have" Garrus leant over the central console in the war room and pointed at three red spots on the galaxy map " Garvug, this should be our next drop"

"Why?" Tali asked from opposite him.

"We have intel" He nodded his head towards Liara "That there is a cache of Prothean data drives here, and Reaper presence in the area suggests they hold important information" He shrugged "Right now, unravelling the Prothean legacy is our best bet when it comes to finding the catalyst" Garrus fell silent, opening the floor to the rest of the crew.

It was rare to have this many crew members present for a brief, more so to have the Commander missing.

Traynor leant over and zoomed into the point as she chewed her lip, face pensive "The complex is underground" she frowned "Looks tricky, do you think the data's worth it?" she looked at Garrus.

All eyes turned to the door as it suddenly slid open "Sorry I'm late" Shepard said as she made her way down the stairs "Carry on" she took her place between Garrus and Liara, careful to avoid the Asari's eyes.

"I agree with Garrus" Liara said, staring at Shepard, her initial disbelief at seeing her having given way to something between incredulity and outrage. The Commander was wearing the same set of rumpled fatigues Liara had bought to her in the med bay some hours ago, and it was obvious that she had come directly from the Doctors care. From the nearly translucent pallor of her skin and the hollow shadows beneath her eyes, it looked like that was precisely where she still should be.

Garrus watched the two of them curiously, aware that the temperature in the room had plummeted below freezing, but he wasn't entirely sure of the cause. Despite not making eye contact once, the air between them vibrated.

"Shepard?" Garrus waited for her to look at him "Prothean data drives" He pointed to the map "Figured we need to go to the source to progress"

"Reaper presence?" Shepard asked sharply. She needed a lead to chase, something to focus on, anything to take her mind off the dull pain in her chest every time she breathed.

"Confirmed, heavy" Garrus replied "Whatever it is, they want it, or they want to stop us getting it"

"Any solid info on what those drives contain?" Shepard asked, hoping she didn't sound as desperate as she felt.

"No nothing" Garrus shook his head and glanced at Liara "If you could do some digging, see what the rumour mill is saying about them?"

"And then?" Liara asked with genuine interest, listening to the sound of Shepard breathing next to her. Steady, un-laboured, stable breaths, unlike the blood choking gasps she'd been making when she finally came back onboard from Rannoch.

"We take them?" Vega grinned, a happy, hungry grin.

"Precisely" Garrus said.

"Bout time we took the fight to them" Vega said with evident satisfaction "Took something they want for a change"

"OK, then we go. Liara see what you can get us in the next few hours and we'll lay a course" He turned to Shepard, making sure she was happy for him to call the shot's despite her being present. She nodded at him "Dismissed" He said, watching as the crew gathered their things and ambled out leaving Shepard and Liara staring at each other while Garrus fidgeted in the doorway, looking as if he wasn't certain weather to stay or go. After a moment's hesitation, he ducked his head and left. The room fell silent.

"What the Goddess are you doing here?" Liara asked, voice quiet.

"I knew the brief wasn't going to take long, I wanted to make it"

"And Dr Chakwas let you come?"

Shepard held Liara's gaze "Well..."

"Helen would never release you from care, not in the state you're in. You went against her advice didn't you?" Liara accused furiously. She wanted to touch her. It felt like days since she had, not hours. But she was so angry, the last thing she wanted was contact and her mind was reeling from the barrage of dissident emotions.

"No not exactly" Shepard shrugged "We made a deal" She said it reasonably, trying to sound confident but Liara's unexpected fury was so potent, it was like a physical blow.

"I don't think Doctors make deals" Liara snapped.

"All right" Shepard admitted "But I agreed to go back after this"

Liara slammed both palms down onto the console in front of her, biotics rippling all over her skin "What is the matter with you Shepard? You need to rest, recover; you can't keep doing this to your body. What could be so important about this meeting that you would leave the med bay?"

"It's not the meeting Liara" Shepard said quietly. She had to stay calm. If she explained it clearly Liara would have to understand "It's me. I need to stay focused, I need to be here. I can't miss anything"

"You should be in bed" The Asari ran a hand over her eyes, her biotics fading. She slowly turned from the console and looked at Shepard.

"This is who I am right now, this is who I need to be to get us through this" Shepard shrugged as she ran out of words. She watched as Liara seemed to debate something before finally making her decision and walking away. Shepard sighed and grabbed the Asari's wrist as she stalked past "No" Shepard spun her around "No walking away from me" They were so close she could see the tiny flecks of silver in Liara's eyes.

"No?" Liara glanced at the pale hand holding her wrist. Heat poured off Shepard in waves, and Liara didn't know if it was from anger or the simple force of her personality. Whatever the cause, it ignited something inside her and completely unbidden, she brushed Shepard's cheek with her fingertips "It hurts me to see you..." she paused "So damaged"

Shepard closed her eyes and sucked in a breath "Don't do that"

"What?"

"Touch me like that if you're angry with me" Shepard opened her eyes to see Liara staring at her, lips parted in faint surprise, the expression in her eyes absolutely unmistakable "unless you want me to touch you back"

Liara smiled weakly, let her hand fall away and gently disengaged her arm from Shepard's grasp "I don't think I'm angry at you Shepard" a pause "Just concerned"

"Good, because I really hate it when you're angry" Shepard looked across at the display next to them "We have some time until we get to Garvug, I need to get back to the med bay but maybe we can do something later, something normal?"

"Commander Shepard" Liara took a step towards the human and tucked an errant strand of auburn hair behind her ear "I'm not entirely sure you know how to do anything normal"

Shepard caught Liara's hand and held it against her cheek for just a second, letting the warmth of her soft supple skin warm her "I might surprise you" she shuddered and released Liara's hand.

"Promise me you'll get some rest?" Liara asked.

"I promise"

"Then I will see you later"

* * *

Garrus looked down at his bowl, he was ravenous, his body demanding food. Tali was sat opposite him, her chin resting on her closed fist as she looked at him.

"You hit her?" Garrus laughed around a mouthful of food.

"No!" Tali sighed "I said I almost hit her, which is not the same" she pushed a half empty glass towards the Turian as she watched him eat.

"Still" He shook his head and stuffed some more food into his mouth "That's pretty bad ass for you"

"For me?" Tali leant across and poked him hard in the shoulder "You're talking to an Admiral remember?"

Garrus grinned at her, enjoying the scent and warmth that her suit gave off "You think she's alright?" He put his spoon down and stared across the cluttered low ceilinged mess for a second, running over the moment where Shepard had faced the Reaper, seeing in his mind's eye the great machine priming, seeing Shepard roll and duck. He shook his head "Rannoch was insane"

"I know" Tali shrugged, catching the expression in Garrus' face she added "Shepard is Shepard, I know she's in a dark place right now but that's why we're here, right? She will be fine, we all will be"

"I wish I had your optimism Admiral"

"Pfft" Tali snorted "Don't call me that"

Garrus looked up and caught site of Liara and Shepard entering the mess and taking the table furthest away from them. He smiled at that and reached for his drink, sipping it slowly and looking at Tali "Can you believe you're back on the Normandy?"

"Oh yes" Tali nodded and cleared her throat "I sort of always expected to end up here again"

"Couldn't keep away from me eh?" Garrus drank what remained in his glass and grinned at Tali.

"Something like that" Tali shook her head and laughed.

* * *

"Are you ready Doctor T'Soni?" Shepard was sat in the dimly lit mess space, arms resting on the table. She was dressed casually in her Alliance fatigues, the jacket, having been discarded, was draped on the back of her chair.

"I'm not sure I want to play again Shepard" Liara smirked and used her omni tool to reset the holographic chess board that lay between them.

"Are you afraid I won't be able to tolerate being blown out of the water twice in one day?" Shepard's delivery was light but her expression was probing.

"I have no doubt you can hold your own Commander" Liara closed down her omni tool display and leaned back in her seat. Specialist Traynor had played a couple of games with her a few days ago and told her to go easy on Shepard.  
"Doubtful" Shepard rested her chin on her hands and studied the game board. She had always considered herself a decent chess player until she'd decided to play anyone on the Normandy "I've been playing this for ten years Liara, when the hell did you learn to play a human game?"

"Not so long ago" Liara said and made her move "Specialist Traynor gave me the board and instructions" Shepard made her move and Liara countered "She said you played"

"Not very well" Shepard muttered as Liara took her first piece "Obviously"

"It's a curious game" Liara added, taking another of Shepard's pieces.  
"So you learnt to play chess, this well since being back on the Normandy?" Shepard gawped at her.

"Well" Liara studied the board, her face a mask of concentration "Yes" her eyes traced Shepard's movements, detailing everything.

* * *

"What are they doing?" Tali asked.

"I don't know" Garrus replied, standing up and shifting a little, trying to get a better view of the board angled between the Commander and the Asari "I thought they were playing chess at first" he glanced across to Tali "But it takes longer than ten minutes to play a game doesn't it?"

Tali nodded "Unless you're not very good, and I've heard Shepard is"

"Well they've set the board up six time in the last hour and they both look very.. grim" Garrus observed "Do you think this could lead to bloodshed?"

"Could do" Tali looked at the intent expression on Shepard's face "The Commander doesn't normally take prisoners"

* * *

"Checkmate" Liara whispered for the sixth time, leaning in close and speaking too softly for anyone else to hear.

Shepard stared at the board, playing the next half dozen moves in her mind to the inevitable outcome, spotting instantly where she had left herself open. After a few moments she mumbled "Well it's an improvement. I actually made seven moves before completely blowing it"

"We can stop Shepard" Liara offered, aware of the frustration emanating from the woman opposite.

"Why?" Shepard smirked, raising her eyes to Liara's, a hint of challenge in her voice "Are you afraid I might take you next time?"

For a moment Liara wasn't sure how to respond. Deciding that diplomacy was probably best, she began slowly "Shepard..."

"Let's go" Shepard interrupted.

"Is everything a game to you Shepard?" Liara reset the board and laughed, feeling oddly more carefree than she could remember being in a very long time.

"Not everything" Shepard said, smiling as she said it, although her eyes held something serious in their depths "But almost"

"I just thought you might want a break..." Liara smirked.

"No you didn't. You figured I must be tired of getting thrashed" Shepard tucked her hair behind her ear and gave Liara a pointed look "And you don't think I have a chance in hell of beating you. Right?"

"Uh..."

"But it might happen, right?" Shepard persisted "Maybe not the next game, or the tenth game, or the hundredth game, but it could happen"

"Possibly" Liara said laughing "Why not? But are you planning on making this campaign your life's work Commander?"

"Maybe" Shepard nodded slowly, liking the way Liara laughed, thinking that she hadn't seen her look this relaxed in a long time and liking that too "All I know is that I'm a long way from giving up."

"Are you always so persistent?" Liara asked, knowing the answer already.

"Only when it matters"

There was something in Shepard's tone and the way her gaze played along Liara's face that made her heart race. Liara blushed a little and fell quiet, cursing herself for being so susceptible to the Commanders intense good looks and inescapable charm.

"Do _you_ want to stop" Shepard asked quietly, enjoying the faint colouring of the Asari's cheeks and becoming very aware of their thighs touching lightly as they pressed close over the game board.

"Oh no" Liara said just as quietly "Not if you don't" For a few moments they said nothing, merely sitting in companionable silence "Shepard, why did you join the N7 program. I know why you became a soldier, but why command, I mean?" Liara had seen all kinds of races; all kinds of people do what Shepard demanded without question and with complete lack of regard for their own will or preservation. Shepard was the greatest leader of people she had ever met, but the stresses she faced were immense, and Liara had always wondered what had led her down the path of Command.

"I suppose in a command role, I felt I made a difference" Shepard laced her fingers together and rested her hands on the table "You make a difference with your decisions, with your body, and with your people, and if you're decisions are wrong then it's on you. You know where you stand in command. There are no grey zones of following paths you may or may not agree with."

"That sounds... Intense" Liara shrugged, not really sure she understood, or ever could.

"Yeah" Shepard replied, a note of surprise in her voice.

"I'm not sure I could ever understand that" Liara had never hungered to know anyone the way she wanted to know Shepard. She couldn't explain it, not even to herself. It was more than respect and more than attraction, more than even simple curiosity. When she looked at Shepard she saw so many things, dedication, responsibility, anger, stubbornness, passion. Most of all she saw passion. For what she did, what she believed in, and for the people around her.

"I'll be honest" Shepard looked at Liara and sighed "Ego is a big part of it" she admitted "It's a big personal challenge when people's lives are on the line and you're the only one who can change that tide"

"And when you fail?"

"You do everything you can to make sure that doesn't happen. But it's that pressure, that thrill that makes it all worth it too." Shepard paused "Well, maybe that's not entirely true anymore"

Even in the dull light Liara could see Shepard's eyes sparkle. When they had met, there had always been this pent up energy and excitement around her that had been nearly palpable, but it was different now, now the need to survive seemed to have taken out any joy she found in the fight, in being a soldier.

"I think" Liara paused "If you were not a soldier Shepard, you would have been a pilot. Or a Doctor maybe. You would have found some other way to fight death, some other way to help people."

"Maybe" Shepard laughed. It was surprising how easy it was to talk to Liara. The moments that they had spent together had been some of the most Intense in her life. It wasn't that intensity bothered her though, she had spent her life around intense people, but Liara had a quiet intensity that was comforting and strangely compelling. From the very first moment she had met her, she had sensed her underlying honesty and commitment, and perhaps, more than anything else, that was what she valued about her most. Maybe it was because they were alone, maybe it was just because this felt like the first time she had been able to relax in a really long time, but she felt oddly peaceful.

"Come on" Shepard stood up and stretched her hands out above her head. She looked down at the board for a moment and then moved around the table to wear Liara sat "Hey" Shepard frowned down at her "What's that?" she noticed a line on the side of Liara's neck "You've got a cut here" Shepard leaned over her, turning her face towards the dull light.

"It's nothing" Liara lifted her fingers and laid them gently on Shepard's "Just a scratch Shepard"

"Now you sound like me" Shepard murmured softly, her hand still lightly cupping Liara's jaw. Perhaps it was the lateness of the hour, or perhaps it was just the fact they'd both had a god awful day, but Shepard couldn't seem to call upon her normal sense of distance as she took in the shadows beneath Liara's eyes and the weary slump of her shoulders "You look exhausted. You should get some rest" her thumb traced an idle pattern on the Asari's cheek.

"I've tried to sleep and can't" Liara pushed herself to her feet, glancing at the chess board then back to Shepard who looked pretty much like she always did, unruffled and in control if a little tired. It was infuriating, nothing ever seemed to faze her "You know, I don't ever seem to remember you going to bed at night"

"No?" Shepard asked, voice rising in quiet incredulity, eyes sparkling.

Liara smiled at that, remembering very clearly the two of them sleeping in each other's arms "That's not exactly what I meant" She was surprised that Shepard would refer even obliquely to the nights they had spent together whilst they were out on the crew deck.

"Would you like another game?" Shepard inquired, gesturing to the board that Liara still had out on the table.

"No, not tonight"

"Is that because my ego is fragile and I can only take losing so many times?" Shepard asked dryly "Because I was thinking, considering you're so exhausted you're about to fall down, I might just have an advantage"

"Definitely not the first one" Liara said softly, packing the game away with her omni tool and moving closer to Shepard "And you're far too chivalrous to take advantage Shepard"  
Shepard looked at Liara as she moved closer to her, aching to touch her just as much as she had the first time they'd spent the night together, but her desire was tempered by where they were, by who they were, by what they had to accomplish. The war of desire and caution was so obvious in her eyes that she knew Liara could see it, and suddenly she was blushing. The fact that she did, surprised her more than anything she could remember.

"Sometimes I regret that caution" Shepard murmured, not even realizing she had spoken aloud.

"Do you?" Liara was very close.

"Yes" Shepard nodded slowly, her gaze flickering over Liara's face and down her body "You're so beautiful" her voice was barely above a whisper. She reached up again, the long supple fingers of her one hand tracing the edge of Liara's jaw, ending with a fingertip against the corner of her mouth.

"Shepard..." Liara said huskily, turning her head to kiss that fingertip.

"You amaze me" Shepard breathed, stepping closer and placing both hands on the back of Liara's neck. Their lips were too close for anything but the kiss that began as something gentle and warm but rapidly became hungry.

"Shepard..." Liara groaned again, laying her palms flat on the Commanders chest and pushing her back slightly. She moved her hand, pressing her fingers to Shepard's lips "Stop. Right. There" she felt Shepard's smile curve under her finger tips "Hold that thought"

"Which one?"

"The one that just made your eyes go dark"

"Oh, that one" Shepard stepped back, running her hands across Liara's shoulders and down her arms until she was holding both her hands "How about we finish our game of chess somewhere a little more private?"

"I think that would be wise"

"Definitely"


	15. Chapter 15

The accommodation unit was dark and cold. In the open, vaulted area where the scientists had kept their equipment, there was little evidence that the station had been taken over. Further throughout the unit though, Shepard began to spot the traces of a fight. Dried blood, plasma burns on the walls and damaged control panels indicated a grenade had gone off at some point, and a dead Salarian sat slumped, head twisted at an unnatural angle, in a chair by a broken window.  
At the far end of the accommodation unit, behind a forced open blast door, was a hastily erected barricade that marked the beginning of the tunnels that lead to the underground complex. Shepard shuddered. A dead Marauder lay on the floor just inside, its body seemingly pointing the way down the eerie tunnel to the waiting elevator shafts. Shepard looked at it for a while, ran her omni tool over it, prodded it with her toecap and then shot it once through the head, just to be sure.

"Shepard!" Garrus game barrelling into the room, his gun levelling at the tunnel, Tali, Liara and Vega were close on his heels, each of them had their weapons drawn, focused on the corpse "What happened?" his voice was strained.  
"Nothing" Shepard shrugged and waved her pistol at the body "Just making sure" she watched as Garrus harrumphed and Tali shook her head. Liara and Vega just smiled, each of them putting their guns away "What?" Shepard asked, indignant "Things give me the willies" she looked back down the dark tunnel and shuddered again.  
"Are you alright Shepard?" Tali walked up to her, her eyes odd looking luminous orbs in the darkness of the tunnel entrance.

"No" Shepard said "No I'm not" she lifted her hand and indicated the tunnel, her face twisted in disgust "There is a lot of death here"  
The tunnel was all smooth fused floor and arched walls as it cut into the mountain side. Blast doors made ribs along the tunnel sides, their tracks and slots carved across the floor and roof. If she squinted, Shepard could make out the elevator shaft doors at the far end of the tunnel, and the boarding points for the tram lines that lead deeper into the compound "What's the status of the compound Tali?"

Tali moved over to one of the partially destroyed consoles and began manipulating the fluorescent keypad.

"No power" She muttered absently "No heating either in the lower levels" she looked up at Shepard "I have a map of the lower compound but all internal sensors are off line. We will be going in blind"

"Yippee" she heard Vega mutter.

"So much for easy in easy out" Shepard said as she entered the tunnel, drawing her rifle and switching on the flash light connected to it "Stay here" she entered the tunnel and walked past the sets of blasts doors until she came to one of the sets of slightly ajar elevator doors. By peering in, she could see all the elevators were at the bottom. She shook her head and turned, walking back to the accommodation unit, through it and past her squad without giving them a glance. Eventually she emerged in the open. The cold air sucked the heat from her face and she shivered, having to breathe hard in the thin atmosphere "Easy in, easy out" she said to an oddly yellow coloured cloudless sky.

* * *

"The station was built using the rocks as cover and protection from the natural atmospheric storms. They built nine tram stations and eight trams. The entrance we are at now is at the base of the peninsula, above" Tali paused "station four, which is one of the three main stations, the others being one and seven, where repair and maintenance facilities exist. According to the station logs there are no trams parked at four, three or five. There are two at station one, two in seven and one each in the rest. At least that's where they should be. The Reapers may have moved them, though I doubt it" Tali indicated the Tram locations on the 3D map she was displaying via her omni tool "The stations are twenty-five to thirty-five kilometres apart, linked by twin sets of tunnels which only join up at each station. Each station is also linked to the central area by twin tunnels. The whole system is buried five kilometres down"

"So we have a central point of convergence?" Shepard looked at the map "which happens to be our single point of access to the second level?"

"Yes Shepard" Tali nodded.

"Oh this just gets better and better" Garrus put his hands on his hips and cast a glance towards the tunnel entrance.

"We take small arms only, no heavy weapons, no grenades, light explosive rounds only. Anything heavier is too dangerous in the confines of the tunnels, is that understood?" Shepard watched as everyone nodded their agreement "Everyone has the data drives location mapped into their omni tool, also a complete layout of the structure" Shepard looked at the large 3D display "We will be navigating from the central area at the bottom of the main shaft, along this short tunnel here and down this secondary shaft" she indicated a small stretch of tunnel that lead to another elevator shaft which in turn opened into a smaller compound "to where the data drives are located. A reserve team will hold point in the central area at the base of this main shaft" Shepard looked around "Understood?" heads nodded.  
"If the Reapers are here, they obviously want the data drives too" Tali shrugged "We could just wait for them up here until they reappear and then take the drives"

"No" Shepard said, watching the expressions of her team, knowing they were just as apprehensive about navigating dark Reaper infested tunnels as she was "The Reapers may have been sent here because of the data drives, but they don't need them. They are here because they know _we_ need them. They'll stay down there forever" she watched the glum acknowledgement of that truth pass across the team "Tali" she waited for the Quarian woman to look at her "I need you to stay here and focus on getting the power on. The electricity is geothermal and the power shafts are sunk about a hundred kilometres through the crust, I'm guessing there is no damage to the system itself, only the control mechanism. We are going to need some light down there"

"Aye aye Commander" Tali nodded, relived to have a focus for her nervous energy.

Shepard looked at them all. Vega, sever and impatient, wanting to stop talking and just get the job done, his scars and tattoo's making him look young but hard at the same time. Garrus, his eyes uncertain, looking at the others and scratching his face uncomfortably. Tali looked dubious, her motions quick and jaunty, nervous but focused, and then there was Liara. Her armoured frame was leant against one of the damaged control panels, her arms were crossed loosely over her chest and she was radiating relaxation. Their eyes met and Liara mouthed the words _easy in, easy out_ at her. Shepard smiled.  
Shepard would get the drives, she was determined to because they needed them for the crucible. But if it came to a fire fight, and she was sure it would, then she wouldn't shrink from it "Take five" Shepard said "Tali keep working on the power. Everyone else get your kit squared away and get ready, review the layout and wait for my command"  
Shepard once again made her way outside. She took a minute to gather her composure and settle her nerves. The bodies of a few dead scientists lay scattered on the frozen ground around the entrance to the accommodation unit. The natural freezer of the world's atmosphere had perfectly preserved them. Shepard looked down at the tormented face of a human male for a moment. The light was waning and a bank of clouds coming in from the frozen sea built over the mountains made the air feel freshened. Shepard sighed and moved to return to the others, she got as far as the first room and was about to enter the main unit, when she heard firing.  
She sprinted through the corridor leading to the tunnel entrance, readying her gun "What is it?" she barked into her comm. unit.

"Plasma rifle, down the tunnel, from the shaft" Garrus replied tersely.

Shepard reached the room with the tunnel entrance, and as soon as she entered from the corridor, flame splashed from the wall alongside her. She saw the brief airglows of plasma tracks just to one side of her armour, leading back down through the tunnel. Obviously whatever was shooting at them could see her. She rolled to one side and came up next to Vega and Liara who were sheltering behind a large control panel. Holes burst through the flimsy wall plates behind them, burning brightly before dimming out. The whoop of plasma fire echoed through the tunnel.  
"What happened?" Shepard shouted over the din. She looked around the room, everyone was taking cover apart from Tali "Where is Tali?"  
"I was accessing a control hatch in the tunnel" Tali's voice echoes in Shepard's ear "I got shot at. I'm lying on the floor behind one of the blast doors, I'm OK though"  
"Good, stay down" Shepard yelled as a fan of glowing tracks spattered a line of burning craters over the inside wall behind them "Shoot! Get the weight of fire back!" all four of them fired at once. A few seconds later Shepard heard a snap, then the dopplered echo of a sound produced by superheated air. Explosions crashed from down the tunnel.  
"Think that got it?" Vega shouted. His voice cut off as more fire slammed into the wall behind him. The wall was pockmarked with dark bubbling holes "Bastard!" Vega roared, firing back in short, rapid bursts.  
"Keep your head down!" Shepard yelled at him "Tali I'm coming forward to the tunnel, I'll move using the blast doors" Shepard got up and ran to the tunnel entrance, crouching behind the ridge of the first blast doors. She knelt in the cover. She could see tali's feet a few meters down into the tunnel, spread out on the smooth fused floor. She listened for her gun firing then said "Tali, stop long enough to let me see where it's coming from, then hit it again."

"Ok" Tali stopped firing. Shepard stuck her head out, feeling incredibly vulnerable; saw a couple of tiny sparks far off down the tunnel and to the extreme right. She bought her gun up and fired continually; Tali's started as well. Her armour chirped and a screen lit up by her cheek telling her she'd been hit on the thigh but she couldn't feel anything. The side of the tunnel, far down at the elevator shaft, pulsated with a thousand sparks of light.  
Garrus appeared opposite her, kneeling like Shepard and firing his sniper rifle. The side of the tunnel detonated with flashes and smoke; shock waves blew up the tunnel, shaking the blast doors and ringing Shepard's ears.  
"Enough!" Shepard barked and stopped firing. Tali stopped, so did Liara and Garrus. Vega put in one final burst then stopped, too. Shepard ran out across the dark floor of the tunnel and past the blast doors where Tali lay. She used the protrusion of the blast doors edges to manoeuvre further through the tunnel.  
Where their target had been, there was a scatter of dull red shards lying on the floor, cooling from the heat of the rifle fire that had torn them from the wall.

"Get down here" Shepard heard the footsteps of her squad behind her. Tali was up on her feet and flattened to the wall behind Shepard. Vega was scanning his rifle to and fro across the tunnel as if expecting another attack to come through the walls. Liara had her biotic barrier charged and ready to defend the squad if needed.  
Shepard started forward, keeping her back to the wall. The wreckage of some of the tunnel wall was still glowing like hot coals scattered across the floor. A wave of hot black smoke passed overhead, wafting slowly up the tunnel. Shepard looked to her side to see Liara had followed her "Stay here" she said.  
Shepard walked down the side of the wall to the first of the two elevator shafts, they had been firing at the second one, on the far right, and it's partially open doors were buckled, covered in craters and scars. On the floor was a half melted plasma rifle. Shepard frowned and looked through the gap in the doors. Right on the very lip of the elevator shaft, between the scarred and holed doors, surrounded by a sea of dull red-glowing wreckage, she was sure she could see a pair of hands. Turian looking, sharp and blood covered, but without a doubt, hands. It looked like someone was hanging inside the shaft by the tips of their fingers. They didn't move and she edged closer, rifle ready. One of the hands moved slightly, as if trying to get a better grip on the lip of the tunnel floor. Shepard's heart thudded. She went towards the doors, her feet crunching on the warm debris and saw a pair of oddly plated arms as she moved closer still, then the top of a long, scarred crest. With a rasping noise the hands moved, one of them disappearing completely. Seconds later it flashed up again, this time holding what looked like a pistol. At the same time the Marauders head looked up and out, straight at her. She started to duck. The pistol cracked, it's round missing her by a few centimetres. Shepard shot quickly, ducking and going to one side. Her incendiary ammo blew out all around the lip of the elevator, smashing into the mangled hands and causing the Marauder to cry out as it let go. Light flickered briefly in the shaft and Shepard ran forward, stuck her head between the doors and looked down.  
The dim shape of the falling beast was lit by the guttering fire still burning on its plated hands. Somehow it still held the pistol and as it fell, screaming, it fired the small weapon, the cracks of its shots and the flashes from the muzzle drawing further away as the creature holding it whirled, limbs flailing, into the darkness.

"Shepard" Liara shouted from behind her "Are you ok? What was that?"  
"I'm fine" Shepard said. The Marauder was a tiny wriggling shape deep in the shafts tunnel of vertical night. Its screams still echoed and a few thuds recorded the hapless creatures contact with the sides of the shaft as it fell.

"What's that noise?" Tali asked.

"Marauder was still alive. It shot at me, but we got it" Shepard told them, walking away from the elevator doors "It fell" she paused "it's still falling, down the shaft"

"Shit" Vega breathed, still listening to the faint echoing scream "Hell of a way to fall"

"Yeah" Shepard inspected the damage to her armour. There was a burn on her right thigh, a millimetre deep and a couple of finger breaths wide, but save for the unlikely chance of another shot falling on the same place, it's integrity would hold "A great start" Shepard muttered. She was about to say something else when the lights in the tunnel flickered to life and the rumble of power vibrated through her.  
"Powers up Shepard!" Tali shouted from a few meters down the tunnel.

"Good work" Shepard replied, glad beyond measure that she didn't have to find a way down that elevator shaft in the dark.

They clustered in front of the other elevator shaft doors and waited for the carriage to arrive. Now they had sensors Tali assured them the elevator was empty, but Shepard didn't trust sensors. She stood there, rifle butt pressed into her shoulder, finger itching.

Thankfully the door pinged open without event and they stepped in.

* * *

They reached the bottom some time later and Liara pried the malfunctioning doors open five kilometres below ground level. Shepard mulled on that thought and decided she didn't like it. The group stepped into another darkened corridor where the lights from Garrus and Shepard's suits were the only illumination. The cramped space was full of electronic equipment, the walls covered with screens and controls. Thick cables snaked over the ceiling and along the walls, metal floor plates covered conduits filled with more electrical equipment. There was a thick acrid smell of burning in the corridor and a long black, sooty scar had printed itself onto the wall above charred and melted cabling. She noticed a smell as soon as the doors had opened and she felt gall rise in her throat. The odour was faint and could not have turned the most sensitive of stomachs but Shepard had known what it was.

"Goddess" Liara muttered as the passed the burnt, mutilated corpse of a Salarian tucked away in a melted alcove of the tunnel wall. Shepard tried not to look.  
The lights were out because the power cables had been melted, but Shepard could see the end of the corridor and the illumined space of the central area.

"Follow me" Shepard said stepping forward and levelling her rifle "Keep ten or fifteen meters back. Don't bunch up, keep the blast door protrusions in reach and watch your arcs. Have smoke grenades ready and retreat to the elevator under cover if you need to" Shepard moved forward, listening to the footsteps of her squad as she pushed on.  
When they reached the central area they fanned out, eyeing the damage and wreckage. The space was clear and they crowded round the jury rigged central mass of a main computer terminal that was located in the middle of the room. Wires and light fibres were tangled about it, and attached to the top was some sort of cannibalised screen, now plugged directly into the terminal. The screen lit up as Liara fiddled with its controls. After a few moments she turned around and shrugged "The console doesn't seem to be connected to the main network anymore"  
Shepard stood next to the elevator doors that lead to the room below where the data drives were housed. With a grunt she forced the doors open and peered down the elevator shaft.

"Tali" Shepard spoke into her comm. unit "Any power to second elevator?"

"No Shepard" Tali replied "There is some damage to the car, It's actually above you, I can't get it to move"

"Excellent" Shepard muttered and turned around to face Garrus "Garrus, you and Vega hold here" she looked at Liara "Can you get us down the shaft with your Biotics?"

Liara moved to the edge and looked down into the inky shaft.

"That's a long way down Shepard" she glanced at the Commander "But more importantly, it's a long way back up" she thought about it for a moment, her delicate fingers rubbing her forehead "Ok"

"You sure about this Shepard?" Garrus looked between her and Liara.

"Yes" Shepard moved to the lip of the shaft.

"Commander" Liara held out her hand to Shepard "I'm ready when you are" she held Shepard to her, smiling as Shepard twisted, rested her feet on Liara's boots, facing away from her and drew her pistol as Liara stepped off into the shaft. Shepard was enveloped in a crackling biotic field as they descended a little too quickly through the night-dark depths of the shaft. Shepard could hear Liara's laboured breathing behind her, feel the warmth of her breath on the back of her neck,

"Take it easy" Shepard whispered as they slowed a little. Moments later they dropped onto the chill stone silence of the tunnel's black throat, clasped like lovers. Shepard turned around in time to catch Liara as she staggered forward, sweat beading on her brow "Hey" Shepard shifted, wrapping her arm around Liara's waist and pulling her close "You ok?" she asked quietly.

"I will be" Liara lay her head on Shepard's shoulder for a moment, her breath coming in ragged bursts.

"Stay here" Shepard manoeuvred her into the tunnel and out of the shaft. She placed her hand at the back of Liara's neck and lowered her to the ground, sitting her gently against the tunnel wall. The lack of protest from the Asari alarmed her.

"I'll be alright in a moment Shepard" Liara looked at her.

"Well it will only take me a moment to get the drives" Shepard placed the gentlest of kisses on Liara's lips "Plus you're in no condition to fight if it comes to it, and I won't be at my best if I'm worried about you getting hurt"

"Shepard" Liara went to stand up but a firm hand on her shoulder pressed her back.

"You know I'm right" Shepard watched as Liara leaned her head back against the cool metal wall. Her eyes closed.

* * *

"Liara!" Liara wasn't sure what was going on. She'd been sat on the tunnel floor, eyes closed as she got her breath back, but now Shepard was stood over her, shaking her shoulders and screaming in her face. Her eyes were wild and splats of blue covered her cheek and matted her hair "Liara wake the hell up!" her fingers dug painfully into Liara's shoulders and she winced.

"What?" she shook her head, trying to clear the thick cloudiness that was hanging over her.

"I'm up to my ass in husks here"

"What?!" she jumped up, wobbling slightly as a wave of dizziness hit her.

"I've got one thermal clip left and we are out of time" Shepard said.

"Hold on" Liara encased them both in a biotic field and propelled them up the elevator shaft. She felt sick and her head hurt. Off to her side she caught sight of several husks, their glowing limbs twisting at unnatural angels as they climbed the shaft walls, keeping pace.

"Garrus, Vega, we have incoming, Husks on the shaft walls, be ready" Shepard spoke into her comm.

"Aye Aye Commander" Garrus replied tightly.

"Nearly there" Shepard looked at Liara. Her eyes were shut tight, and she was frowning, face etched with concentration. She wanted to reach out, to touch her, but was afraid of breaking the tenuous hold she had on her consciousness and biotic field. Shepard could see the edge of the shaft approaching and sensed them speeding up. When they reached the lip she was thrust forward with surprising force as Liara's biotic field expanded and tossed her against the wall. She bounced off some cabling and winced. The sound of gun fire echoed through the room as Garrus and Vega took down the Husks that crawled over the lip of the shaft behind them. Liara lay, unmoving on the ground between the two men.

"Liara" Shepard was next to her in a second. With care she turned her onto her side, grimacing at the twin lines of blood blue that were seeping from her nose and dribbling from her ears "Back up!" Shepard shouted, wrapping Liara's arm around her shoulder and lifting her onto her back. With a grunt she stood up, bracing her knees against the dead weight "Back to the main elevator! There's too many of them" Shepard jogged forward through the central room and back down the tunnel they had emerged from earlier. A whoosh of hot air on the side of her face, and the burning line of a plasma round impacting on the back of the lift wall in front of her, made her pause slightly. Her gut churned with the sickening realisation that there was more than just Husks down here with them.

"Go!" she screamed as Vega switched to rapid fire.

She reached the lift and dropped Liara on the floor to the side of the door. She crouched, using the door for cover as Garrus and Vega followed her in, pinning themselves to the opposite wall. The doors took an age to close and just as they were about to seal completely, a set of clawed talons reached through, grasping the insides in an attempt to pry them open.

"Let go!" Shepard leapt forward and bought her fist down hard on the Marauders hands, punching them over and over, hard enough to dent the inside of the doors and send thick streams of blood splattering across her forearms and face "Tali get this lift moving now!" she screamed as the Marauder refused to let go.

There was a shuddering, wracking gasp of electronic motors bursting to life and the lift moved, rocketing up through the shaft and eliciting a terrific scream from the Marauder as one of its arms came tearing loose, falling to the lift floor with a sickening wet thud. Shepard looked down at the severed limb with distain.

"Yeah!" Vega gave it a kick and sent it flailing out through the partially open doors and into the lift shaft "Yeah" he yelled, face beaded with sweat, eyes wild with adrenaline.

When the lift reached the top, Shepard lifted Liara again, refusing to let Garrus do it. She lead the way through the tunnel, out into the accommodation unit where Tali stood wringing her hands in concern, and out to where Cortez was waiting in the shuttle.

"Get her buckled in Garrus" Shepard lay Liara on the floor of the shuttle with infinite care. She bent over her and wiped some of the blood from her lips and nose.

"I'm ok" Liara murmured groggily as she regained consciousness "Just overloaded that's all" she shifted slightly and sat up.

"I know" Shepard nodded "Cortez" She moved towards the pilot and accepted something from him.

"Where are you going?" Garrus asked.

"I'm going to make this place a crater" she hefted the bomb in her hands "I'm going to guarantee the reapers down there never see the light of day again by collapsing the tunnel entrance"

"Hurry up Shepard" Garrus nodded "I'm sick of this place"

"Yeah" Shepard walked forward, paused at the entrance to the accommodation unit and placed the bomb on the floor. Once she had finished setting the time delay she straightened up. On the floor in front of her she noticed she had cast two shadows. Two shadows from two suns. She mulled over that, thinking of how appropriate it felt. Two shadows.

She knew what she had to do, what she had to be to win this war. She had to be the personification of a concept; the adaptive, self-seeking urge to survive, to bend everything that could be obtained to that end, and to remove and to smash and to create so that one particular need could be meet. So that humanity could move onwards and keep deciding, knowing that -if nothing else- at least it would continue.  
And that's exactly what she was, two shadows for the two separate parts of her, the need and the method. The need was obvious to her; to defeat the Reapers. The method was the taking, and bending of materials and people to fit that one need. The outlook she had to have was that everything and everyone could and should be used in the fight; that nothing could be excluded, that everything was a weapon, a tool, even Liara - who she hurt to have to use. To find those weapons, those people, and choose which one to aim, fire and abandon, that talent, that ability to sacrifice and use and twist, was her curse. It was what had made her great, and she hated it.

"Shepard!" Vega hollered from the shuttle door "We're ready"

Shepard nodded and waved her hand, bruised fingers sending lancing pain through her arm. She swore to herself and bit down hard on her lip, tasting blood. She would give herself a few more moments of quiet reverie before facing her demons in the shuttle.


	16. Chapter 16

Just a bit of Shepard dealing with some stuff before the next big storyline push, I've tried to embellish the Citadel a bit, because it can't all be shiny and clean.

* * *

"Shepard is fine, she needs to burn off some steam that's all" Garrus took a swig of his drink and leant further across the bar. The lights were dull, music loud and he smirked as Vega eyed one of the Asari dancers.

"I don't know scars, she was pretty wrecked when we got back onboard after Garvug" The big marine's attention was split between the conversation and the lithe form next to him.

"That's just Shepard, always takes it personally when someone gets hurt" Garrus snorted and downed the rest of his drink "Doesn't seem to mind too much when it's her though"

"Yeah" James laughed "You got that right"

"Like I said, she's just burning off some steam" he glanced at Vega, smirked at his dilated pupils and the fine sheen of sweat on his brow "You enjoying yourself Vega?"

"Oh yeah" he nodded "I'm not so sure about Shepard though Scars, seems like she's got some crazy anger built up right now"

"Maybe she has" Garrus shrugged "Maybe she has..."

* * *

Shepard was drunker than shit. Laughing like a lunatic she plunged out into the street outside the grimy citadel bar, head spinning. The clean filtered air hit her hard in the face and the surrounding clubs and stalls weaved and swayed, the neon lit walkway tipping like a falling shuttle. She bent over, braced her hands on her knees and wrestled with the urge to vomit. After a few breaths she took a swaggering step forward as smeary bright light and sounds of laughter washed over her.

A ragged shape flew towards her from somewhere and struck her in the chest. Shepard grappled with it desperately, and then fell. She hit the ground with a bone-jarring crash.

Her world was dark for a moment, and then she found herself squashed into the ground as somebody knelt on her back.

"Get off" she gurgled, tongue thick and clumsy in her mouth. She shoved the person off with her elbow, rolled over and lurched up, stumbling about as the walkway see-sawed around her "what do you want?" she slurred at the big Batarian who was watching her, his face expressionless.

"Come with me" He took a step forward and took hold of Shepard's left elbow.

"Look..." Shepard wished she wasn't quite so drunk as she started to reach inside her jacket for her pistol.

"Don't think so" The Batarian kicked up with his knee and twisted Shepard's left arm behind her back. It was all done in the most expert fashion, and Shepard had to jump to ride the kick back tolerably. She let her left arm relax as she crumpled to the ground.

The Batarian growled as she fell, caught her other arm and pinned both her hands behind her back, using some sort of restraint to secure them there. Shepard knelt on the walkway and moaned, her head swimming. The Batarian seemed to laugh and then hoisted her up by the restraints, making her yelp as she was shoved, head down, along the walkway.

"What do you want?" Shepard repeated, trying to turn back and look at her captor.

"Shut up Shepard" He shoved her, hard.

Shepard staggered forward a few steps and then regained her footing. The Citadel was a swirl of lights around her, a seemingly never-ending plain of scattered radiance that faded away as they manoeuvred down less favourable streets, the streets that no one saw. They walked for what seemed like a long time, long enough that Shepard started to sober up, her implants already breaking down the toxins quicker than a regular human. She didn't feel so giddy or quite so nauseous anymore.

There were relatively few lights now as they passed between two windowless buildings.

"Here" The Batarian pushed her down an alley and she tripped over something soft, knowing before she turned that it was a body. She looked closer at the bundle of rags, which moved a little. The person was curled up under tattered blankets, head on a filthy sack. She couldn't tell if the dirty human face was male or female and the rags offered no clue.

"Excuse me" she muttered and carried on walking.

They left the alley and Shepard had to step over another two sleeping people. The street they found themselves on was dim and stank of something Shepard suspected was supposed to be food. As they walked up the street, under the grainy, flickering light of sporadic, monochrome lamps, they passed what Shepard thought was another drunk, lying against a wall. There was blood between the Salarian's legs, and a dark dried stream of it leading from his head. Shepard stopped.

"Keep going" The Batarian said "He's dying, been in a fight"

Shepard looked around but there was nobody else nearby. The Salarian's eyes fluttered briefly, as though he was trying to open them, then the fluttering stopped.

"There" The Batarian mumbled "Dead"

Shepard looked away and tested her restraints, they felt like they were made of fabric, possibly some sort of rope as they flexed against her wrists. The Batarian looked preoccupied and was probably assuming she would be too drunk to attempt a proper escape. With a grunt she twisted and heaved, a ripple of burning biotic flame flaring from her hands as the rope gave way, leaving her with livid bruises already starting to form on her wrists.

"Hey" The Batarian shouted.

Something sailed out of the darkness and crashed into Shepard's face, immediately afterwards something slammed into her back and the rear of her skull. She fell and lay on something hard, groggily wondering what sort of weapon he was carrying. Suddenly big hands were grabbing her. She had enough strength to kick up hard with one leg, forcing her arms up at the same time and grabbing some material, her shin connected with a groin. The Batarian started to go over Shepard's shoulder's, heading for the edge of the walkway that lead to the docks below. Then Shepard felt her own shoulders grasped, and as he thumped to the ground on one side and slid over the edge, she was pulled over. They were falling. She was aware of lights, then shadow. How far away was the dock?

It was a double impact. She hit water, then something harder in a crumpling collision of fluid and body. It was cold and her neck hurt, then something pulled at her. She punched out, hit something soft, then pulled upright and found herself standing in a meter of dirty water. It was chaos - light and sound from the docks assaulted her. She let her head clear and then looked around. The Batarian was out of the pool and running, but he stumbled, fell, and as he started to rise Shepard slammed into him, bowling them both over. He lashed out at her face but missed, so he kicked at her as he tried to get away again. Shepard threw herself at the man's legs, bringing him down once more and scrambled over him on all fours, twisting him over so he was face up. She drew her hand back for a punch and built a biotic field up around her clenched hand. The Batarians face underneath her was twisted in terror, put into shadow by the lights of her biotics. Then, involuntarily, her biotics died, fizzing out with a strange tingling sensation. Shepard looked at her fist, confused as the Batarian choked out a laugh.

Shepard growled and punched with all her might. Her fist crashed into bone and the Batarian groaned.

"What do you want?" Shepard growled.

"To kill you, like you killed my people" He lashed out and punched Shepard on the jaw, but it was weak and hardly hurt "Murderer!" he spat.

Shepard grabbed the Batarians head with both hands, lifted it and banged it off the metal floor, then did it again. The Batarian struggled, but his hands beat uselessly off Shepard's chest and shoulders.

"Hate me if you like" Shepard snarled "I never claimed to be a good person, I just did my duty, what I had to do" Shepard lifted his head _I hate Batarians_ and slammed it off the floor one more time. Her ribs ached and her skull felt as though someone was standing on it. She felt sick, the anger and disgust she felt towards herself making her retch. The Batarian lay still.

She hauled herself up and staggered forward, attempting to brush some of the dirt and grime off her fatigues. She was in the dead zone, an area full or war refugees, the sick and injured. She ducked her head and stumbled off down the walkway towards the elevators that would take her to the upper levels, and finally back to the Normandy.

Shepard looked at the damaged people around her and felt dizzy; the gritty surface of the walkway beneath her still seemed to tip and heave. For a moment it was as if the citadel, the whole galaxy swirled around her in a frantic spinning tangle of nightmare shapes; a constellation of suffering and anguish, an infernal dance of agony and mutilation. She wandered past a military hospital being run by Salarians and Turians in a daze.

There were soldiers with limbs missing, others covered in bruises and bandages. Some lay gasping for breath on beds out on the street, mumbling, moaning or screaming. There were people arriving covered in blood waiting to be attended to, people doubled up coughing blood into bowls, others strapped to beds writhing in pain. Everywhere there were people; on bed after bed, cot after cot, and everywhere too, there were the enveloping odours of corrupting flesh, harsh disinfectant and bodily wastes.

Shepard found herself standing in a small garden area to the side of the hospital, dark and dusty and deserted, hemmed in on all sides. Yellow light from the grimy windows spilled onto the faded artificial grass and cracked flooring. She slumped down onto the floor and leant against the wall, looking up at the artificial sky, eyes wide and staring. There was sweat on her brow and she shivered. Her omni tool chimed.

"Shepard" She croaked as she answered the call.

"Shepard where are you?" Liara's voice hummed through a field of static.

"Still on the citadel, the docks, level 12" she paused "I think"

"You think?"

"What do you want?" Shepard didn't mean to snap but her soul was raw and she ached all over. There was a long pause before Liara spoke again.

"Councillor Tevos is requesting you contact her at your earliest convenience"

Shepard nodded. Her mouth was dry. She swallowed with some difficulty, took a few deep breaths and rubbed her face. She wasn't sure if Liara had disconnected, secretly she hoped she had "I'll head back to the Normandy now"

"Shepard?" A pause. Shepard was sure she could hear Liara breathing "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine" She cut the feed from her omni tool and leant back against the wall, closing her eyes.

* * *

"Hey" she felt a hand touch her cheek, a soft voice "You're in the hospital, you're going to be alright"

She shuddered, closed her eyes more tightly.

"Can you hear me soldier? Your safe" a hand grabbed her wrist "Hey" gently pleading now "Wake up"

Frantically she tried to focus. Features began to emerge from the shadows, giving her something to cling to in the sea of confusion. A face bending near, a Turian, female, dark eyes, caring and reassuring.

"Where am I?" Shepard asked urgently, struggling to stand up, she didn't know how long she'd been sat here, she must have fallen asleep.

"You're in the emergency overspill hospital, in the docks, you don't remember how you got here?" The Turian entered something into her omni tool as she spoke.

"Yeah, I remember" Shepard frowned, her disorientation, while lessening dramatically, had unfortunately been replaced by a throbbing headache. A trade she was happy to accept.

"Your injured" The Turian woman gestured to Shepard's wrist and face "What's your name and rank Soldier?" she looked up when Shepard didn't respond "Ok not a problem, we get a lot of injured marines through this place that don't want to be identified" She shifted into a more comfortable position and grasped Shepard's hands in hers "Squeeze my fingers" she said.

"Can't" Shepard scowled at her hands.

The Turian nodded and ran her omni tool over Shepard's arms and sighed. Reaching down she pulled back one of Shepard's sleeves "You've been restrained at some point?" Shepard just nodded "Compressive neuropathy maybe? No, just a knock of the radial or median nerve, it may be a couple of hours before you can fully flex your fingers"

"May be?" Shepard smirked at the woman "You don't sound so sure"

"Well human physiology is not my strong point" she probed along Shepards forearms "You're lucky you're in such good shape, your muscle mass probably protected you but you need to keep a watch for compression injuries and you're going to get a lot of swelling" she rocked back and studied Shepard's face, brushing a lock of hair off her forehead "You have a laceration through your eyebrow, we need to go into the hospital so I can take care of it, can you walk?"

Shepard nodded, grunting slightly as she pushed herself to a standing position. She extended her hand to assist the Turian to her feet and gestured for her to lead the way.

Shepard entered the hospital and nearly gagged at the over powering smell of disinfectant. The corridor curved sharply as they seemed to follow the sounds of screams, down a small, narrow set of stairs, over a step where a broken bed was tipped onto its side and eventually down to a quiet corridor where the light was jade and there were many doors. The Turian stopped and opened one of them, soft citrine light spilled out. There was a short hall, a bathroom off, then the treatment room. It was small, full of floor to ceiling mirrors and was surprisingly clean.

"Sit here" The Turian indicated, motioning to the bed in the centre of the room. She remained silent as she fumbled with some equipment on a small tray.

"Can't help but notice all the people outside with worse injuries than me" Shepard settled onto the bed and started swinging her legs, her eyes scanning the room "Why the special treatment?" she held the Turians gaze.

"I didn't think..." She started to clean the wound on Shepard's eyebrow "It would be conductive to the war effort to let Commander Shepard sit in the dirt while I treated her"

"Ah" Shepard exhaled slowly.

"I wasn't sure initially" she placed a few sterile strips across the wound "Until you opened your eyes anyway" she pulled a stool over and sat down facing Shepard "What are you doing here?" her small dark eyes flicked over the Commander as her mandibles shifted "in such a state?"

Shepard looked away "An angry Batarian picked a fight with me"

"He lost?"

"He lost"

The Turian nodded and stood, reaching for a small cloth. When she cupped Shepard's chin in one hand, Shepard tensed "You have blood on your neck" She said quietly, wiping the skin gently.

"It's not mine"

"Why did he attack you?" She continued to wipe the area.

"Because of the Bahak system"

"Oh" her movements stilled "That wasn't really your fault"

"Yes it was"

"But you had to do it"

"No I didn't"

"But the Reapers would have been here sooner if you hadn't"

"Has it made a difference?"

The Turian sighed and threw the cloth she had been using into a small bin "No, but only because people didn't listen to you" she averted her gaze and took a step back "If it would have been a human system, you would have made the same decision right?"

_And that's the real problem _"I don't know" Shepard muttered, jumping down from the table. She swayed with a sudden wave of dizziness and would have fallen if the Turian hadn't slipped her arm quickly around her waist "I need to get back to my ship, I'm ok"

"Not quite, you're not. You may be strong but you're not made of steel. You've taken a nasty blow to the head, I'll walk you back"

"No need" Shepard shrugged the support away and stepped forward, sighing in relief as the dizziness subsided "You're needed here"

The Turian woman made a motion as if she was about to speak but thought better of it. Shepard was watching her closely, her face inscrutable, speaking volumes with her silence.

"True, I just thought you could use a friendly face?" The Turian shrugged.

"Are you always so observant?" Shepard smiled, just the barest twist of her lips.

"Occupational hazard. Being a doctor is a bit like being a detective, you have to learn not to overlook the subtle details. Like what a patient isn't telling you, what they really need. How about you, are you always so controlled?"

Shepard nearly laughed "Yes. A lifetime in the Alliance will do that to you" she grew suddenly still, her expression thoughtful "This hospital's a wreck, you're barely coping, stay here, it's where you're needed, and you've done too much for me already"

The Turian clicked her jaw "And just how would you define too much Commander? Is any help at all too much?"

Shepard looked away and motioned for the door, but paused, hand on the door knob. The Turian was looking at the wall next to Shepard, who followed her gaze and was momentarily shocked. She found herself looking at her own reflection in the full length mirrors; face dirty, eyes dark, hair mussed, clothes torn and soaked. Shepard stared for a moment, not recognising the face, and then she twisted and kicked into the image. The wall shattered in a chorus of screams as glass exploded around her, shards and splinters glittering through the air.

"What's your name?" Shepard asked, staring disconsolately at the fragments around her feet as she tried to flex her fingers.

"Miliaya" she shuffled, suddenly wary.

"This hospital is about to cave, I'll have supplies sent here, doctors, more staff" She kicked at the glass "Sorry about that"

"No problem" Miliaya took a step forward "Commander, are you alright?"

"Yes" Shepard toed the glass "People seem to be asking me that a lot lately"

"With good reason I think"

Shepard had never been an expert at reading Turian emotion, but if Miliaya was human, Shepard would have said she looked worried, concerned maybe even compassionate.

"Thank you for the help" Shepard gestured to her eyebrow and turned back to the door, struggling with the handle as her fingers rebelled.

Miliaya watched as the Commander slipped from the room, thinking that the famous human was remarkably more fragile than she thought possible.

* * *

Garrus bumped into Shepard as she was exiting the hospital.

"What happened to you?" he took a step back and looked her over.

"How the hell did you find me?" Shepard narrowed her eyes "And a fucking angry Batarian happened to me" She continued walking, pushing past the Turian as he gave the exterior of the building a wide eyed once over.

"Is there any other kind?" he grumbled, catching up to her "Liara told me to come find you, said you sounded... distressed?"

"Really?" Shepard didn't say anything else as they made their way to the lift and back to the upper levels. When they stepped out of the elevator Shepard sucked in a breath. People walked or sat at tables under the awnings and archways of the cafes that lined the main walkway. A fountain gurgled just off to their left and laughter drifted up through the artificially warmed air from some nearby tables. Something about the place disgusted and angered her. Everything was so right, so safe and ordinary. She felt like a thug, out of place and tainted. She'd felt more relaxed in the dirge of the lower levels.

"It's all so fake isn't it?" Garrus stood next to her, his voice soft "Do you think they really know what's going on at all? Even the Cerberus attack doesn't seem to have fazed them, you must look like such an animal to them"

Shepard turned and met his eyes "Yeah? Screw you Vakarian" She replied caustically.

If Garrus was taken aback by Shepard's sharp retort, he didn't show it. He knew from long experience that the best way to get Shepard to talk about anything substantial was to anger her. Years of training had made her too proficient at disguising all of her emotions, but when she was angry, her control slipped. Garrus was the only person, other than Liara, who could goad the Commander into revealing herself, which was probably the reason they were still friends, and he wasn't dead.

Shepard shook her head and strode forward, threading her way through clumps of people as they stood talking, or trading. She walked determinedly with her head up, a severe, slightly forbidding look on her face, discouraging contact. Garrus on the other hand seemed to stroll with an almost disjointed looseness, head moving from side to side looking at everyone and no one, walking with the kind of easy familiarity that he possessed when on the Citadel.

"Did you get whatever it was out of your system?" Garrus asked as they stopped in front of another elevator, this one would take them to where the Normandy was docked.

"Not even half" Shepard all but growled as she jabbed the button "I hate this place" she jabbed it repeatedly.

Garrus made a noise that was a cross between a cough and a giggle.

"Don't you laugh at me Vakarian!" Shepard continued to jab the lift button but she found herself unable to stop the smile spreading on her face.

"That's it commander, you take it all out on the lift console" Garrus patted her back.

"Garrus, did I ever tell you that I hate Batarians?" She stopped hitting the lift button and glanced at him.

"Can't think why, they're such a charming species" he shook his head "Half the galaxy hates them Shepard, so what?"

"No, I mean I really hate them" She crossed her arms and waited as the lift chimed and she stepped in, Garrus close on her heels "I'm not sure I could have made the same call if it had been a human colony, what does that say about me?"

"That you're human?" Garrus tilted his head as his mandibles flared "I know where you're going with this Shepard, don't bother, regardless of whether you think you had hidden motives or..." he held his hands up "Some sort of ancient prejudice, it's done now"

"Yeah and every Batarian left in the galaxy thinks I did it to spite them" Shepard kicked at the lift wall like a petulant child "Would you have made the same call?" green eyes lifted to his.

Garrus had never known a time when Shepard had needed reassurance for any decision she had made, and for a second he contemplated brushing the question away. But Shepard's voice was raw and her eyes were so wounded. He reached out and touched her hand fleetingly "Yes" he answered, knowing in his heart that it wasn't a lie "Now put it to bed Shepard"

Shepard sighed and it was like the last breath of some storm that had passed through her. She met the Turian's gaze for a moment and nodded once, then looked away and walked out of the lift.

"Shit" She froze as her gaze landed on someone familiar in the crowd.

"Urgh" Garrus grunted next to her "Al-Jilani, let's hope she doesn't see us"

"Commander Shepard!" Shepard winced as a shrill voice drifted to her over the throngs of people.

"Keep walking" Garrus shoved Shepard forwards.

"Commander Shepard!" Al-Jilani shouted as she caught up to Shepard "Commander, can you spare a minute?" she fumbled with her microphone.

"A minute?" Shepard glanced at Garrus and then back to the reporter, she paused and nodded once "Ok"

"Really?" Al-Jilani keyed something into her omni tool and then looked at Shepard "everything alright Commander?" she cast her gaze over the damp uniform, fresh facial dressing and the dark smears under Shepard's eyes.

Shepard smiled weakly and nodded.

"Ok" The reporter dragged the word out "I just want to ask you a few questions" all the time she was looking around, her gaze darting everywhere "What's your reaction to Councillor Udina's betrayal in the trust you put in him?"

"I didn't put any trust in him I-"

"But he was the human councillor" Al-Jilani interrupted without looking at her.

"Not the one that I suggested" Shepard sighed, her eyes settling momentarily on the small knot of people that had gathered behind them, listening in "He didn't betray me, he betrayed humanity" someone cheered.

"Always one to play the crowd eh Shepard?" Al-Jilani smirked.

"You're just jealous that your audience likes me better than you" Shepard said waving the buzzing bulk of the camera away like it was some sort of large and cumbersome insect.

"I've heard rumours that you jeopardized the entire Quarian fleet to get the Geth onboard with the war effort" Al-Jilani entered something into her omni tool again "Do you really think it's a good idea to be working with the Geth Commander? Let's not forget that they were allies with the Reapers and Saren in the past, people would say its more evidence pointing to your questionable judgement, especially since the Bahak system"

"You know, I actually thought for a moment that you were interested in the war" Shepard shook her head.

"You are the war Commander"

"And that shows just how ignorant and pampered you are Al-Jilani, try visiting the docks more often" The reporter went to speak again but Shepard cut her off "You're very lucky that you'll never have to make decisions that might mean you make mistakes you can never forget and never be forgiven for-"

"So you're admitting the events of the Bahak system were a mistake?"

"You never listen do you?" This time someone laughed.

"Now Commander you-" Al-Jilani practically growled the words out.

"Don't you 'Now Commander' me" Shepard threw her hands up in the air "We're done here"

Al-Jilani looked at her, wide eyed, and then suddenly she pushed into the Commander, both hands against her chest. Shepard staggered back, surprised and amazed "I hate you, you've ruined my career" the reporter spat, her eyes were bright and staring, voice low and thick so the crowd couldn't hear.

"Al-Jilani.." Shepard replied annoyed, and pushed herself away from the reporter, trying to stop the interview before it became even more of a farce but the woman wouldn't stop, and pushed Shepard again.

"I hate you" she almost whispered in that deep, hushed voice.

Shepard took her wrists in her hands " Al-Jilani" she said, voice low, eyes flicking to indicate the people standing behind them "join the fucking queue" Shepard pushed her away as she tried to turn and leave the scene, but the reporter wouldn't relent and attempted to grab her from behind "Stop this" Shepard shook her off, almost embarrassed. She jerked her head in the direction of Garrus, swatted the camera away and clattered quickly down the steps that lead to the Normandy's docking bay "Let's go"

"She's finally gone mad" Garrus muttered as he jogged down the steps next to her "You must have knocked something loose the last time"

"No!" Still the woman threw herself down at Shepard, clutching at her waist as she wailed.

Shepard turned around, about to tear herself violently free when suddenly a hand closed over the reporters wrist. It was a blue hand, attached a muscular forearm. Furious, Al-Jilani looked up into ice cold blue eyes that robbed her of any voluntary motion. Then everything went black as something hard hit the side of her head and she was thrown, unceremoniously down on the stairs in a bubble of purple biotic power.

For a moment, the only sound was Liara breathing. Then the Asari sighed and brushed her hands off on her jacket.

"Well" Shepard shrugged as she looked up at Liara, arching her eyebrow "That was good timing"

"Impeccable I'd say" Garrus added.

"Shepard, she was all but mauling you on the galactic news" Liara walked over to her partner and reached up, touching her fingertips to the newly covered gash on her forehead "Are you all right?" she asked softly.

"Mauling?" Shepard asked, ignoring the question. Liara couldn't help but smile at the commander's electric grin, but she saw something else as well, Shepard looked tired, shadows under her eyes marred her handsome face and there was tightness in her jaw that belied the strain she couldn't hide.

"Practically" Liara deadpanned.

"Doctor T'Soni" Shepard was still smirking "My hero"

"Well" Garrus coughed "I'm going back to grab Vega, I have a feeling he might be causing trouble somewhere, last time I saw him he was being slapped by an Asari"

"All right, be careful" Shepard said.

"Me?" Garrus scoffed "Shepard, really" he laughed to himself as he walked off, leaving Liara shifting awkwardly next to the unconscious reporter at the bottom of the stairs.

"You look tired" Liara said "Did you get any sleep at all after Garvug?"

"A little" Shepard lied.

"How do you feel?"

"Rough" Shepard admitted with a sigh, mainly because she knew she wouldn't be able to hide it from Liara.

"What happened in the Docks?" Liara asked, knowing Shepard's self destructive behaviour was unusual.

"Nothing good...It was..." Shepard went to say something else but stopped and ran both hands through her hair.

Liara just nodded, knowing there was more, but for the moment all she wanted to do was get Shepard back onto the Normandy. "Let's get out of here"

"Yeah" Shepard reached down and caught the Asari's hand, running her thumb in small circles over the back of it, dully aware of the small crowd still watching them with a degree of curiosity.

"Shepard, are you drunk?" Liara pulled her hand free and took Shepard by the elbow. She guided her away from the crowd and down the walkway that lead to the Normandy.

"Not really" Shepard replied, frowning "Not anymore anyway" Shepard sighed and allowed herself to be lead, letting Liara take what control she needed. She wasn't sure how to explain to Liara that this was how she dealt with the lingering effects of adrenaline and fear.

Fear was a sensation she had always dealt with in her role as soldier, but never on the level that she faced now, whenever Liara was out in the field "I'm ok" Shepard mumbled.

"That's not the point" Liara looked at her, face devoid of tenderness.

"Isn't it?" The gentle tone, the even gentler hint of a reprimand, dissolved whatever anger Liara had been feeling at discovering her half drunk lover in such a state.

"Yes" Liara exhaled slowly "That's all that matters"

"I needed to..." Shepard stumbled over her words "I needed to forget for just a while" she stepped forwards and slipped her hand along the base of Liara's neck, caressing her tenderly.

"Next time you need to forget" Liara rested her cheek against Shepard's shoulder and wrapped both hands around her waist. The pistol tucked away in Shepard's hidden shoulder holster pressed against her breast, a harsh reminder of the complex boundaries that defined their relationship "Come and find me"

Shepard smiled as she ran one hand up and down Liara's back "I'll do that"

"Good" Liara pressed her lips to Shepard's throat, whispered a kiss against her skin "Thank you"


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks for the reviews, follows and favourites since the last update. To be honest this story has become a bit of a beast now, it was only supposed to be a few chapters! There is a lot of action in the next few chapters, and I've skipped out on some story elements because right now, I don't know exactly how I'm going to finish the story and I don't want to limit my options. Honestly can't thank you all enough for the support.

* * *

Shepard spoke through clenched teeth "You're coming to me with this now?"

Tevos was dressed in a long and elegant traditional Asari robe that looked impractical enough to be genuinely expensive. She was willowy, but when she shrugged, it was an oddly graceful movement. The councillor reeked of good breeding and with her piercing green eyes and contrasting markings, she was the very image of conventional Asari perfection.

"Commander" She made an exasperated noise "Every species in the galaxy has secrets, this... " she paused "Only the highest members of society know about this artefact, I'm risking a great deal by even mentioning it to you"

"Really?" Shepard replied, mystified "I wouldn't be so concerned with your next stint in the council. If we don't solve this, we don't have a future"

"Precisely!" Tevos grimaced as though she'd just tasted something bitter "My people are growing desperate Commander, for the first time in our history we find ourselves at risk, our whole race is in great peril"

"Don't talk to me about great peril councillor" Shepard sneered.

"Commander, we are aware of your plight, but please you have to understand. The knowledge of this artefact in the wrong hands could upset the balance of galactic power"

"The Reapers are doing that now..."

"Yes, well" Tevos looked down at the data pad she was holding and extended it to Shepard "The artefact can be found inside a temple at these coordinates, I have arranged for a science team to meet you there"

Shepard took the data pad, scanning it briefly before looking up at the councillor. She wanted to snap, wanted to be angry, but the Asari looked so lost, so absolutely desperate "Thank you" Shepard said on a sigh "for the help"

"No, no Commander" Tevos frowned "It's you who will be helping us" she put her elegantly manicured hands up to her face and let her head drop forward, her voice almost broke "Thessia is vulnerable"

Shepard walked towards the balcony and leant on it, forearms braced on the railing as she toyed with the data pad between her fingers "Councillor, we are all vulnerable" she didn't look at the Asari as she spoke "They teach you about a lot of things in Alliance officer training, a big part of it is the 'rules of engagement'" Shepard smirked as she spoke the words "You sit through endless lessons about morality and correct action" she glanced across now, and met wide, bright green eyes "Don't lose your compassion, your humanity. Don't lose yourself, and don't allow your people to lose themselves. That what they teach you" she fell silent.

"These are important lessons are they not?" Tevos moved a fraction closer, intrigued by the commander's sudden openness.

"Not in this war. The Reapers may be machines but they pit flesh and blood against us, relentless soldiers with no weakness" Shepard looked out at the citadel skyline "They don't care if they get shot or injured, they don't care if their fellow soldiers are dead or injured, they just push on. You have to be totally ruthless in the fight " She sighed "For the first time in my life I want to kill without reason, just because I don't care, because the violence of them terrifies me, threatens me and my crew. But you know what the worst part of it all is councillor?"

"No commander, what is it?"

Shepard took a deep, measured breath "That it's hardening me" she said, her voice lowering to a whispered, husky tone "I know that there will come a time when the desire to kill them, will outweigh my desire to save others, and after that, I don't know what will be left of me" She straightened up "If the galaxy survives, how will it judge me?"

"Commander" Tevos reached out to lay a hand on Shepard's shoulder but paused "You are the last ray of hope in a dark place right now and the only person I know of who is capable of completing this mission. If the galaxy does survive, then people will know that every action you took was to fulfil that goal"

"And you don't think you're people will feel the same?" Shepard shrugged "People may see giving us this information as a betrayal now, but if it leads to the Asari having a hope of a future, they'll get over it"

This time when Tevos spoke, she did lay her hand on the commander's shoulder "Goddess be with you Shepard, you deserve more than the council has ever given you, and for that I can only apologise"

Shepard glanced at the slender hand on her shoulder then shook her head and said quietly, resignedly "Things could have been so different if only you'd listened"

"I know" Tevos sighed and looked away.

* * *

Liara glanced out of the shuttles porthole just as a flare of red light streaked past. The ship banked and pitched violently and she grabbed the overhead straps to steady herself. Garrus and Vega were muttering to each other behind her, Shepard was stood just to her side, clutching at her rifle.

"You ready for this?" Shepard spoke but didn't look up "This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to witness"

"I'm ready" Liara nodded watching silently as Shepard went through the motions. She checked her rifle, her hard suit, her helmet and finally her comm. Each movement was slow and precise, actions borne of years of practice.

Shepard nodded and slammed down her faceplate "Fast and low Cortez, don't hang about"

"Aye aye ma'am"

With a grunt of effort Shepard ripped open the shuttle door and sighted the landing zone with her rifle scope.

Liara looked away as a tidal wave of grit washed up, sending dust pouring down the back of her exposed neck and into her eyes. They touched down in a cloud of dust and debris, bailing out onto the dirt and ruined landscape, hugging their weapons as the heated down draft from the shuttle buffeted them. Shepard communicated via hand signals against the roar of the engines and the sound of gun fire.

The shuttle turned, kicking up a wash of pebbles in a brown battering gale, then began to climb.

Liara looked around as the noise died down. Half deaf, sick to her stomach.

"Vega, Garrus get some fire down over that wall!" Shepard yelled, pointing towards a scattered collection of Asari commando's desperately trying to shore up crumbling perimeter defences.

Time seemed to warp as Liara took in the ruined landscape; battered walls crumbling into dark demolished alleyways seemed to surround them. There was none of the familiar elegance and beauty of her home world here, there was nothing but destruction. Shepard was shaking her, shouting her, but it paled in comparison to the noise of gun fire and screams, so many screams.

"Liara!" The tone was harsh, cutting through her horror. Liara looked at Shepard through tear swollen eyes "Get that breach sealed up now!" She pointed at a section of decimated wall that a weakened Asari was desperately trying to plug with fallen debris, but her biotics were weak, sparking and fizzing. On the other side, a brute was preparing a charge.

Liara nodded and threw her hands upwards, shouting her rage as she encased the massive slab of wall in a biotic bubble and flung it at the breach. Silence seemed to fall as all eyes turned to her.

"That'll do it" Garrus nodded, shouldering his rifle.

"Commander, we've been expecting you" A young looking Asari walked up to Shepard. Her attention was fixed firmly on her omni tool as she snapped orders to the troops around her "I'm lieutenant Kurin, we were told to hold this position and wait for you, but we can't, we've lost too many people" her face was moist with perspiration, eyes wild.

"You can and you will" Shepard replied.

"What?" she looked up "Look around Commander, I've got no one left and I'm not asking my squad to die for a patch of rubble" she didn't bother attempting to disguise the bitterness in her voice.

"What do you know about why I'm here Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, glancing back at the newly reinforced wall.

"Nothing" Kurin shrugged and coughed as a wave of dust rolled over them from a nearby explosion "We were told to hold the LZ until you arrived and keep the way clear to the temple. There was a science team deployed to that area but we lost contact with them" she shook her head "They didn't send us enough people to keep this area locked down!"

"Listen lieutenant, I understand how you feel but you have to respect the chain of command, we're here for a damned good reason" Shepard's voice was hollow.

"I don't even know if the chain of command even exists anymore"

"Yes you do, you're looking at it"

"But this is..." The Asari faltered as another explosion rocked the ground and raised voices cut through the air.

"Lieutenant" Liara moved between them, her gaze going from Shepard to the Asari "There is a Prothean artefact locked within that temple that may be the key to defeating the Reapers"

"What?" The Lieutenant was frowning "You're joking?" she glanced at Shepard, searching for the truth.

"No we're really not" Shepard said.

"If we don't get to that temple, then this is the last we'll ever see of Thessia" Liara shook her head "You're witnessing the extinction of our entire race"

Kurin turned away, her suddenly solemn gaze raking across the skyline "You think this..." she paused " artefact you're looking for, can stop all this?" she took in the destruction with a sweep of her arm.

"I'll be honest with you Lieutenant" Shepard flipped her face plate up and looked at the Asari "This is the only chance we have"

"You know what you're asking me don't you?" The Asari swallowed, her voice thick.

"Yes" Shepard nodded.

The Lieutenant took a deep, shuddering breath "This is Lieutenant Kurin" she put her fingers to her comm. as she spoke "Hold this position, we're going to carve a path to the temple. Outpost Tykis, prepare for incoming friendly squad" she moved to indicate the wall in front of them "We'll do what we can Commander, good luck" she held her hand out to Shepard who took it, shaking it once, firmly.

"You're not dead yet Lieutenant, we'll be as fast as we can" Green eyes, firm in resolution seemed to stare through the Lieutenant, and she was suddenly acutely away of just who she was talking to.

"Alright" the Lieutenant smiled oddly, a hint of a frown on her upper face "Let them through!" she shouted at one of the Asari who was stood on a gun turret. With a nod, the commando peeled away a small section of the wall and indicated for them to pass through.

"Thank you" Liara said walked past. Someone shouted out good luck as the barrier was put back in place behind them. She looked at Garrus , then Vega and finally Shepard. Then she glanced at the wave of horror that lay ahead of them. Something screamed.

* * *

"What the fuck was that?" Vega yelled as he threw himself behind cover. They had barely travelled 1000 meters and they were already loosing the weight of fire.

Shepard was pinned against a wall just ahead of the others as she took the brunt of the incoming fire. The scream had made her wince and she peered around the shredded wall to see where it had come from.

Shepard's jaw fell as her eyes landed on the woman-thing that had made the ear piercing sound. She wasn't human, never had been, there was no question about that "My god, what _is_ that?" the words slipped from Shepard's lips as she took a halting step backwards. The scream rang out again, the sound reverberating hollowly inside her helmet.

"Shepard report" Garrus sounded in her ear "What do you see?"

Shepard opened her mouth but suddenly the creature grazed into being in front of her like a ghostly, quivering, not quite real shadow. _Asari_ Shepard swallowed and tried to back up, her neck craning to take in the enormous height of the creature. She was less than an Asari now, but seemed more than mortal; a travesty of an Asari, a mad nightmare vision. Like some demon sprung forth from ancient stories, it paused with long legs apart, naked, arms outstretched towards her. Those arms and legs were exaggeratedly long and deadly, and huge dark eyes were set back in the things skull, black and cruel.

"Asari" Shepard muttered.

The creature was close now, close enough to touch. Its mouth was a wide, gaping orifice with a row of blackened teeth in the upper and lower jaws. Then the creature spoke to Shepard. It was not mental. It actually sounded; but not from the body in front of her. Shepard knew it was the creature but the sound didn't seem to come from her at all, and its fearful mouth remained almost shut, propped slightly open on the sharp ridges of uneven teeth.

The voice issued from the walls around her, from the tips of the buildings, from the high arching crests of the distant mountains. The voice spoke in thunder, yet softly, and was oddly familiar. Shepard stared for a moment then looked about wildly; trying to find the real source of the voice "Liara?" she shouted in direction of her squad but couldn't make anything out, the world around her seemed dark and hazy.

The creature suddenly began to shimmer. She became indistinct and there were many shadow forms of her, surrounding her body like halos, then she disappeared.

"Liara?" Shepard was so glad to see the Asari, so glad that everything was finally quiet. She let her rifle fall from her finger tips as she stepped into the circle of the Asari's arms. Liara smiled at her, her eyes bottomless obsidian wells as she reached up and ran her hand down the front of Shepard's helmet. Shepard sighed and felt her whole body relax, she felt lighter than she had in years.

* * *

"Shepard!" Garrus raced up to where Liara was crouched behind cover "What's going on? Where is Shepard I can't raise her on the comm."

"Me either" Liara shrugged as she popped a heat sink out of her pistol and reloaded " I lost sight of her just ahead and she's not answering"

"Crap" Garrus turned around and waved at Vega "Cover us"

"Will do"

Garrus nodded and indicated for Liara to go ahead of him. He walked slowly, his rifle scanning the shattered pathway "Liara?" Garrus barked as he crashed into the back of the Asari. She seemed rooted to the spot.

"Goddess..." her voice died.

"What's the matter, I nearly..." He swallowed as he manoeuvred around her and caught sight of the hideous visage. They both stared in horror as the huge woman like creature dripped ichor onto Shepard's limp form.

"What is that?" Garrus mumbled, afraid to move. The huge woman thing held Shepard aloft in one hand; the other stroked the limp Commanders head in a strangely disturbing, loving motion. Garrus wasn't sure if Shepard was dead or alive, but the abandoned rifle lying on the floor by her feet, was not a good sign. He was about to speak when a strange tingling feeling started to envelop him. He looked at Liara and took a step back.

Her entire body was rippling with a purple biotic glow and her eyes were black pools of despair. She launched a biotic blast at the creature that was powerful enough to send it staggering back, dropping the Commander in the process.

The thing screamed and turned to advance on them. Garrus opened fire, not surprised to see Vega appear next to them and join in. Liara let another blast of biotic power free and the creature screamed again as its barriers fell. It paused in its advance, swung its clicking ghastly head about as though confused, and altered its direction. Away from Garrus and Liara, it descended on Vega, vanishing in a whoosh of biotic power and appearing next to him almost instantaneously.

"Fuck!" Vega yelled, back peddling and tripping over, but managing to get a burst of rapid fire onto the creature's leg in the process. It screamed again but continued to advance, the soft mush of its ragged leg leaving dampness as it slid forward. Vega let another burst loose and watched in horror as it sank to what was left of its knees, moaning and clawing at the floor. He popped his empty heat sink and reloaded. With a grunt he raised the rifle, about to let another round free when a blast of biotic power rocked him backwards and the creatures head exploded in a wash of black ichor and dark, torn flesh.

"You ok Vega?" Garrus shouted over to him.

"Yeah" he waved his hand in the air and collapsed backwards, lying down on the ground as he caught his breath.

"What an abomination" Liara muttered as her biotics rippled one last time, and black faded into familiar blue as she blinked. She spun around at the sound of metal sliding along metal and jogged over to where Shepard was stood, desperately trying to unclip her helmet "Easy Shepard" Liara undid the rear clasps and stepped back as Shepard ripped the helmet free and shoved past her.

The Commander sagged forward, resting her hands on her knees as she vomited onto the rubble. Gritting her teeth against the pain, she sucked in a deep breath as tears came unbidden to her eyes. It felt as though her head was being crushed in a vice. She groaned and wobbled upright, her hair flapping wetly against her face.

"It was in my head" Shepard looked down at the floor as the pain ebbed "It was in my damn head"

"It's dead now" Liara said, giving Shepard the room she needed to compose herself.

"It's really, really dead" Garrus added "you all right? Because you don't look so good"

Shepard looked up now, her breath quick and shallow. She had to blink a few times to see them properly. She couldn't talk so she nodded instead and moved to pick up her rifle and helmet.

"Are you sure?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah" Shepard nodded, swallowing then coughing "That was a little close though" she looked at Liara, saw her own horror echoed in her blue eyes.

"What the hell was that thing?" Vega asked as he approached "You ok boss?"

"Fine, fine" Shepard waved a hand at him dismissively and put her helmet back on.

"Damn thing was screaming like a banshee" he shuddered.

"What's a banshee?" Garrus asked, narrowing his eyes as he watched Shepard, looking for any lingering signs of trauma.

"It's an old earth legend, I'll tell you about it one day" Shepard spoke as she checked her rifle over "Seems appropriate" she added "Come on, the outpost can't be far"


	18. Chapter 18

I was going to post this next week but i figured what the hell, i might as well do it now since I've written it already. More story bits and my interpretation of a certain Cerberus bloke. For me, this was the part of the story that really began to put pressure on Shepard, when all that loss and the genuine desperation really began to hit home.

* * *

It was warm and humid in the late afternoon air; they were in the tropics and the altitude was less than five hundred meters, though the prevailing winds, spilling down from the continents mountains, kept the temperature moderate and just tolerable for her human physiology. Shepard was stood on what had been the wall of some glamorous building and a shuttle lay up-ended against the wall next to her. She looked around as sweat dripped beneath her helmet, and frowned as a Reaper disappeared over a mountain ridge to the west.

A stretch of monorail lay strewn around the bottom of a steep-sided valley, like pieces of a toy after a child's tantrum. Some of the carriages had been upturned onto their backs, their undersides naked and vulnerable, pointing pathetically upwards to the patchily clouded sky. Smoke and steam drifted down the valley on the wind.

They climbed over the rubble in front of them, ducked under a twisted section of ripped metal, and jumped off the other side. Another explosion shook the ground and Shepard used her rifle to sight the front of the temple entrance. They were nearly there.

"Friendly up ahead" Shepard indicated a small platform just in front of them "Commando?"

"Asari Sniper" Liara answered.

"Let's move" Shepard jogged the last of the distance to where a lone Asari lay face down on the ground, hand's over her head as another explosion sent debris raining down on them.

"Outpost Tykis?" Shepard asked as she crouched down next to the prone soldier.

"What?" The Asari glanced up. There was blood on her face and her lip was split "Commander Shepard?" she rolled over and lurched into a crouch "You're looking at it, I'm all that's left"

"Reinforcements?" Shepard peered over the ridge at the amassing troop of Reaper ground forces that were heading towards them.

"I thought you were it?" The Asari picked up her sniper rifle "We had air support but the damn harvesters picked them out of the sky"

"We're on our own then" Vega mumbled.

Shepard slapped him on the top of his helmet "We've been in worse positions" she said.

The Asari put her finger to her comm. for a second, then looked back at Shepard "The Reapers have air support incoming" she paused "Watch the skies"

There was an ominous growl and then a dull thud of flapping wings as a harvester screamed overhead. They ducked instinctively and all watched as the large grey shape disappeared over the sunset-rouged summits of the hills to their right. Another two shapes flashed across the valley, making hideous squawking, screeching noises.

"You have ordinance?" Shepard asked the Asari, looking suspiciously at the long black box by her feet. A great roar of noise slapped down on them and they all ducked again.

"We have missiles" The Asari shouted.

The air was filled with a dull humming noise and there was a flash of light behind them. Shepard half heard, half saw a blur of movement to one side as something fell into the rubble just to their side and then exploded.

Everything stopped. Silence, as the wreckage tumbled out of the sky around them. Sound came back slowly; Shepard's ears began ringing. There were several other explosions in the confusion as the wrecked Asari gun ship lay burning. Shepard had been blown backwards by the blast and was busy picking herself up; Garrus loomed over her, looking stunned, his face bloody.

"We have to move" he yelled.

Smoke was everywhere. She saw Liara and pulled her to her feet. Vega was dusting himself off and the Asari sniper was just sat, blinking and looking surprised.

"Go!" Shepard roared, shoving Liara forward "Make for the temple doors, don't fucking stop" she grabbed the black case on the ground and then she was gone, out of cover, staggering and running. She followed Liara and Garrus; Vega ran at her side.

Further up, two more gunships burned fiercely, pools of bright orange fire beneath bulb-headed columns of smoke. It had been a massacre.

Another Harvester screamed above them. Explosions crackled. She kept her head down, hearing shrapnel zip through the air and thud into the ground in front of them. They ran for a low wall, meters in front of the temple and the only safe cover. Liara and Garrus dived over, Vega vaulted; she jumped, falling into a patch of rocks and barely getting out of the way of the Asari sniper as she fell. She wished she didn't have her helmet on as she shook the sweat from her eyes and looked up.

In the sky, the Harvesters circled in front of red, sunlit clouds. A deadly line of ruby tinged shapes casting shadows on them from above.

"That was the last of our air support" The Asari snorted back blood as she heaved.

"We're nearly there" Garrus said, limping heavily, face still covered with blood.

"You good?" Shepard glanced at him as she opened the black case.

"For now" he replied, wiping blood out of his eye.

"Down!" Liara shouted. The screech of a Harvester came almost instantly. The ground pulsed beneath them and rocks pelted off the top of the low wall. They waited for the debris to stop falling and then looked up. A crater had been blown in the pathway in front of them and water was pooling into it from some broken underground pipe, creating a steaming, smoke-shrouded hole.

"Shit" Vega said, his voice trailing off he watched Shepard pull the massive missile launcher from the box.

"its a hundred meter straight sprint over uneven terrain" Shepard spoke as she tore open the missile tubes and loaded them "Then up that ladder" she pointed to a rope ladder at the front of the temple which had been thrown down to replace the shattered staircase "We'll be completely exposed" she hefted the gun "You'll make the run under my cover"

"Shepard" Garrus started to speak.

"Go" Shepard didn't give them time to argue as she threw the missile launcher over the wall and heaved herself up. She ran forward some twenty meters and took a knee, banging the side of the weapon and muttering to herself "Get!" she shouted into her comm.

Two Harvesters turned towards her, each leaving thin grey tubes of vapour behind them, curling from their wing tips in the humid air. Shepard watched as they twisted in the sky and bellied down on her, committed to their attacking run. She held the weapon in both hands, the weight of it resting on her shoulder. She fired.

The recoil was immense and the light too bright. She closed her eyes momentarily, and then squinted as the two harvesters became cerise spheres. The world pulsed and quivered, shockwaves hammering into her already ringing ears. The harvesters were completely destroyed; only glowing bits of burning flesh were left, falling all around her, smoking in the surrounding debris. The third Harvester swept overhead, climbing and turning hard. Shepard fired again, her ears still ringing, wrists aching. This time the explosion was closer and Shepard looked away, confused as something thudded into her, on top of her, putting the light out. There was a moment of stillness and then the weight on her lifted. She opened her eyes to see Garrus standing above her, eyes bulging, mouth hanging open.

"Do you know how close that was?" he shouted.

"You idiot" Shepard got to her knees and eyed the missile launcher "I told you to go!"

"You go!" He yelled back.

Shepard smirked at him as shrapnel tinkled against the far wall. Bullets started to sing off the rubble as a group of marauders appeared on the pathway.

"Let's both go" Shepard suggested.

They leapt the wall, stumbled down across the debris field and ploughed through the water filled crater, heads bowed, slipping on submerged rocks, bullets whizzing above. They came to the lip of the crater and splashed out, Shepard pausing to help Garrus, who was limping badly now. Tall splashes in the water announced bullets falling around them and they staggered on, nearly at the bottom of the ladder that would lead up to the temple entrance.

Shepard all but picked Garrus up and threw him halfway up the ladder, watching as he hauled himself up, hand over hand. Shepard shoved her rifle on her back, gripped the ladder and climbed behind him. Liara and the other Asari reached over and grabbed Garrus, pulling him up, then the Asari sniper turned back for her.

"Can you believe it Commander?" she said, grasping Shepard's hand "we made it!" she grinned, blood smearing her teeth as shots thumped around them.

Shepard was about to say something when suddenly the Asari slumped heavily on top of her and tumbled, slipping forward.

"No!" Shepard grabbed at her but missed and she fell past the Commander, bounced off the wall and landed slackly on the rubble beneath her, limbs flopping, spread around her.

Shepard hesitated, looking back down as plasma rounds cut into the rock around her. The Asari lay on the ground, staring up at the sky, eyes open, blood pouring from each side of her head. Hands appeared and held Shepard's shoulders.

"Shepard!" Liara saw Shepard tense as she looked down at the Asari, getting ready to leap off the ladder "Shepard!" she shouted and the Commander looked up at her, her eyes almost obscured by the misting of her faceplate.

The Asari lay still, twenty meters away.

"You can't help her, she's dead" Liara screamed, sagging with relief as she felt Shepard take her hand and allow herself to be pulled up.

Shepard took a last look over the edge at the Asari's body, motionless on the ground, a dark 'X', like something pinned out and sacrificed to the encroaching enemy.

Shepard shook her head as she moved away, out of the line of fire.

"We got another problem" Vega said "The temple is surrounded by some sort of barrier, I can't get in"

"Let me see" Liara said as she walked past him and accessed the control panel near the entrance "its military grade encryption" she mumbled as her hands flew over the console.

"Seems strange for a temple" Garrus said, limping up behind her.

"Indeed, especially since so few people follow the Athame doctrine" Liara bit her lip "Got it" The barrier vanished in a fizz.

"Good work" Shepard reloaded and took a slow walk forwards "Bring the barriers up behind us, it might buy us some time while we figure out what we're looking for"

"It's pretty quiet in here" Garrus said.

"Yeah" Shepard agreed "A bit too quiet"

* * *

The VI flickered, filling the hall with green pools of illumination.

"I will interface with your systems and assist with the catalyst too" its voice stuttered as the image of the Prothean twisted, turning to look behind them "Indoctrinated presence detected, ceasing operations" the image shrank and spun, forming a sphere as it moved behind them and back towards the beacon.

Shepard turned around and braced her hand against the harsh light. A gun ship rose, hovering ominously in the temple doorway as two Cerberus soldiers , one Dragoon, one Phantom, walked towards them.

"Cerberus" Liara spat the word.

"You killed the scientists" Shepard drew her pistol, smiling when her three crew mates did the same "What do you want?" she asked.

"You're attention" The Dragoon activated his omni tool and a grainy, distorted image of the Illusive man appeared before them.

"Shepard" he said in his deep, thick voice "It's so good to see you again" his eyes opened wide as he took in the beacon, his pale blue irises shining.

"How did you find this place?" Shepard kept her gun trained on the Dragoon.

"The archives" he smiled widely "or did you're shadow broker here miss that?"

"Why don't you show yourself?" Liara muttered, her hands flaring with biotic light "I promise I won't miss"

There was the muffled sound of spluttering laughter and then the illusive man grinned "Stick to your talents doctor T'soni" the hologram moved between them but Shepard didn't follow it. She kept her gun trained on the Dragoon "You've helped uncover the key to subjugating the Reapers" his holographic hand passed through the Prothean VI.

Shepard smirked "You're kidding?"

"Damn it Shepard don't laugh at me" The hologram moved towards her "Destroying the Reapers gains us nothing, why would you want to destroy them when we could control them?"

"You" Shepard finally looked at the hologram "Are insane"

"Really?" The holographic imaged flickered and then stabilised. The illusive man seemed to think, and then he smiled broadly "The Commander has something I need" he looked at the two soldiers "Relieve her of it and then bring me the data"

Shepard didn't wait for the Dragoon to acknowledge the order, she jammed her finger on the trigger and fired three shots at the soldier's head. He staggered backwards but not before he chance to relay orders to the gun ship.

"Target the supports!" he roared as the phantom beside him ducked low, bringing her sword up and making a beeline for Garrus.

"Get the VI!" Shepard roared as the gunships lights flared, blinding her momentarily before letting off a stream of rocket fire.

One of the projectiles screamed past Shepard and she flung herself to the floor. The wall behind her flared and a heavy detonation erupted; a blast of light followed by a body shaking tremble beneath her feet made her lower her head. Grey smoke drifted up and along the ceiling filling the entire hall. Shepard was completely blind.

She leapt up, hearing Liara shout and then Garrus grunt as a dull thud sounded and another stream of rocket fire ploughed through the hall. Shepard heard the illusive man laugh in the distance.

"I'm going to rip your head off!" She growled, squinting through the smoke as debris began to fall more heavily.

"I'm sure you will" The illusive man spoke with mock seriousness "The fact remains Shepard that you do not benefit from the presence of a friendly gun ship, whereas I do. As well as, as you may have already noticed, two very capable soldiers"

The air in the hall seemed to fill and streak with fanned white light, intensely bright; it almost looked like the smoke filled air was being lit by lasers, it was astoundingly bright. Explosions shook and battered her from both sides and then suddenly she was sliding, slipping as the floor seamed to heave and twist. She shouted as the floor gave way beneath her, dropping her pistol as she fought for purchase to stop her fall.

Shepard looked down into the abyss beneath her. Her fingers hurt and her arms and shoulders burnt from the strain of having to support her weight and the weight of her heavy armour. She closed her eyes and inhaled. She couldn't pull herself up, she didn't have the strength.

"Come on" She yelled at herself, hearing footsteps above her.

"Cerberus thanks you for your hard work" The Dragoon's mocking voice was oil through sand. Sickly sweet and poisonous.

Shepard growled and stretched her right hand further up the crumbling floor, grasping with her aching fingers at loose bits of rubble, anything that could move her closer to the ledge above. With a grunt she gained purchase, got a foothold, then another. Just a few more and she'd be there.

"No" Shepard got her forearms onto the edge just in time to see the Dragoon walking away from the beacon and towards the waiting gunship through a swirl of thick smoke. She couldn't see Garrus, Vega or Liara. _No._

There was a sudden, shuddering crack as the ground beneath her shifted and the huge panel of floor she'd been climbing up disconnected and fell away. She gasped as her feet fell away, dangling down into the bottomless pit beneath her. Legs flailing, arms burning, she clawed at the crumbling ledge, desperate and gasping, but she couldn't get purchase. The more she struggled the more the ledge gave way.

With a shuddering, wracking sigh, she stilled, one hand holding on, and looked down. After everything, would falling into that blackness be so bad? Her fingers slipped.

"Shepard! Hang on" Rubble rained onto her face as Liara skidded to a halt on the edge, her hands taking purchase on Shepard's forearms. Her crystal blue eyes, wide with terror, bore into Shepard's as she tugged the Commander up and over the ledge.

Shepard didn't wait, didn't mutter so much as thanks as she sprinted towards the pistol on the floor and ran after the Cerberus troops. She knew she couldn't make the shot, knew they were gone, but she fired anyway. Six shots ricocheted off the hull of the gunship as it pulled away.

Shepard lowered her pistol and stared, squinting into the orange sky of Thessia.

"Anyone on this frequency?.." Shepard's comm. system cracked with the sound of a desperate Asari voice, heavily laced with fear "This is Lieutenant Kurin, my squad is trapped!"

"This is Shepard, we're on our way back" she pushed her finger against her ear, trying to amplify the transmission. Behind her, she heard footsteps.

"Give us your location!" She barked uselessly as the transmissions of the Asari dissolved into desperate screams.

"Oh Goddess, no!" The scream cut to static as Shepard watched two Reapers drop from the sky, silhouetted against the dying evening sun, a great eye casting rainbow ribbons of light out across the tortured planet.

Instinctively she rocked back but her momentum was stopped by a familiar presence at her back, a palm pressed against her shoulder. She turned to see Liara, her face desperately sad, eyes moist with unshed tears.

Meeting her eyes, Shepard felt the full weight of her failure as real as a physical blow. She opened her mouth but no words came out, she felt herself begin to shake, go cold as the shadows cast from the Reapers danced across Liara's face. She shook her head, frowned, looked back at the visage of destruction and then walked away. She'd failed in the worst possible way.

"Cortez" she barked into her comm. "Come and get us"

"Aye Ma'am"

* * *

Shepard sat on the floor of the shuttle, her back to the door, legs stretched out in front of her.

"You're hurt" Liara crouched down in front of her and pointed towards Shepard's face.

Shepard looked at her and dumbly lifted her fingers to her nose, frowning when her fingertips came away covered in blood. She shrugged and glanced across to Garrus who was sat, head back, fast asleep next to a grim looking Vega.

"Shepard" Liara reached out and touched her face, surprised when the slight touch caused Shepard to jump "Are you alright?"

"What?" Shepard frowned at her.

"Shepard, you're worrying me" Liara moved closer, took the Commanders chin in her finger tips and rotated her face until their eyes met. Shepard tried to pull away but didn't have the energy "Don't shut me out" Liara whispered.

Shepard just stared at her, her mind going back to those few seconds where she had been hanging onto that ledge, her fingertips about to let go. In those few seconds, she'd been willing to give up, to let it all go, but that wasn't what was bothering her. What was plaguing her mind right now, was the moment when two beautiful, crystal clear blue eyes, filled with determination and strength had captured hers and seen it all.

"I'm ok" Shepard croaked, her throat oddly raw. She shifted, trying to get up, but winced as the motion sent a shuddering pain down her left side.

"You don't look ok" Liara frowned and moved forward, glancing at the offending area and sucking in a surprised breath "You have a wound, shrapnel I think, It's pierced your armour Shepard"

"Ok"

"Ok?"

"Yes, Ok"

"Can I fix it?" Liara asked, treading carefully. She was painfully aware of how fragile Shepard was right now, how tenuous her grip on her composure was. She'd never seen the commander like this, never seen her so distant and disillusioned.

"Yes" Shepard didn't move, didn't even look at Liara.

"Alright" Liara moved to Shepard's side and started to remove the upper half of her armour. Shepard helped by removing her gauntlets and leaning forward enough so that Liara could undo the clasps on her side. With a grunt, Liara lifted the heavy armour away and placed it down on the floor next to her. Shepard was sat there in her N7 t-shirt, her fingers exploring the wound on her side, flinching as she encountered a particularly painful spot.

"Let me" Liara encased the Commanders fingers in her own and moved them away. With exaggerated gentleness she lifted Shepard's shirt and scanned the area with her omni tool. She looked up briefly and caught Shepard staring out the window of the shuttle. After a few moments she laid her hand on Shepard's stomach and applied a large dose of medigel to the gash that ran along her ribcage. She was about to finish spreading the thick cooling substance when her hands were enveloped by Shepard's surprisingly cold fingertips. She looked up, and froze.

Shepard looked at her, her gaze hollow.

"I'm so sorry Liara" She shook her head when Liara opened her mouth the speak "No. Let me say this" Shepard looked away, swallowed once and then meet the Asari's gaze again "I'm sorry"

Liara looked at her, caught in the oddly intimate moment, and sighed "Ok Shepard" she pulled her hands free and finished applying the medigel "Ok" she would let Shepard have whatever comfort she needed, even if it hurt her to allow it. When she finished tending to Shepard's injury she closed the omni tool and shuffled forward, turning slightly and scooting along the cold metal floor until she was sat next to Shepard on the floor. With a groan she leant back against the shuttle wall and closed her eyes. She might have fallen asleep, or just phased out, but the feeling of Shepard taking her hand and entwining their fingers brought her back to reality. She looked across, through heavy lidded eyes and just watched as Shepard stared straight ahead, haunted gaze reverted, as if looking at something only she could see, her jaw clenching every now and then.

"Hey" Liara muttered, shifting closer as she lay her head down on Shepard's shoulder "Stop it"

"Stop what?" Shepard muttered, still looking straight ahead.

"Going over your tracks, deliberating" she paused "doubting"

"Sorry" her voice was small and quiet.

"And stop that as well" Liara frowned.

"Sorr..." Shepard paused "Can I do anything?" she asked, the smallest hint of something other than sorrow and regret laced her voice.

"Sleep?" Liara reached across and lay her free hand on top of their joined ones "You can sleep"

"Yes Doctor"


	19. Chapter 19

It looked like snow, but it was warm to the touch, more like ash. It _was_ ash. Shepard rubbed her fingers together, smearing grey on her skin. There was a body lying in the ash, and an impression of movement down slope. It was faceless, nobody. She moved past it, downhill and into a black pool of moonlit water. There was another body; it floated darkly, oozing warmth as she passed. This one looked familiar, the outline clearly Turian, the hard suit a trademark blue.

A sickness worse than any hunger grew in her belly as she walked, then jogged, past the body and out of the moonlit pool. She kept walking, through the trees and out into a clearing of utter devastation. The whole area was dotted with smouldering fires, bodies and wrecked vehicles. The decaying superstructure of an Alliance warship rested on the skyline. Smoke still rose from several of the corpses. Then she spotted Vega's pale, slackly unconscious face, and the blood oozing from the wounds in his chest and head. He was propped up against a tree, rifle lay across his lap.

She walked on. Through the darkness, past burnt out shuttles and rusted shells of armoured trucks. The bodies here were mostly long-decayed, reduced to bleached bones and faded rags that had once been uniforms. It was a place where time had moved forward, where the war had been and gone, where the war had been lost.

A motley uniformed body lay face down on the ground in front of her, purple hints bled through piles of ash. The limbs were spread and the ground around it was pitted with neat holes that ended in blackened craters. Shepard turned the body over with one foot and looked away. Tali's mask was shattered and her dead face stared up at the sky. Her chest had been opened by some close range blast. She looked surprised.

A warm wind came out of the valley in front of her, ruffled the remains of the trees, scattering ash. She heard something like clattering feet behind her and turned, looking through clouds of drifting ash.

A brute was charging at someone some hundred meters away. She blinked and tried to see through the clouds. The brute charged forwards; its warm breath powered out of its mouth and curled in the air. She swore she could feel every shuddering step the creature made. She moved towards the brute but couldn't seem to gain on it. No matter how fast she ran, the battle played out just in front of her.

"Liara" Shepard muttered, her breath coming in great heaving gasps as she realised what was happening.

The Asari sighted down her gun at the brute as it raced towards her, head lowered, clawed feet flinging curves of powdery grey behind it. She fired, but the brute flickered out of existence only to appear in another direction. Liara fired at it until the guns magazine ran out, and then she turned, running for her life. She stopped when she realised she wasn't fast enough and fired a blast of biotic power through a cloud of hazy windblown ash.

There was a scream and a terrible tearing noise, a pair of lightly armoured legs kicked and struggled in the air in front of flashing claws, and then the scream gurgled to nothing.

Shepard closed her eyes as she was filled with a terrible numbness. Her legs folded under her and she collapsed to her knees, falling forward into the ash. She opened her eyes and looked up at the back of the creature. A single, blue arm flopped into the ash beyond the head of the brute.

"Liara" Shepard couldn't find her voice. She stared at the arm lying loose on the ground, watched the fingers clench, then slowly unfold and go limp. There was blood in the ash.

The brute moved, swinging its arm and flinging Liara's body. Shepard gagged. Its arm had pierced the Asari's chest; it protruded from the back of her shattered hard suit for nearly a meter. The ash around them was bright with her blood.

Tears welled in Shepard's eyes, spilled down her face and leaked into the ash, but she couldn't sob. _Why couldn't she sob. _Countless more dead. She was terrified, alone and hopeless.

* * *

Vega left the med bay in a sour mood. He shook his head as the doors slid shut behind him, and made his way through the silence of the ship, pausing when he past the mess.

Shepard was sat, chair pushed slightly away from the mess table, legs outstretched, head tilted back, eyes closed. She was still wearing her greaves, armoured boots and bloodied, torn t-shirt. Her rich auburn hair was matted with blood on one side and plastered to her neck and face, a series of scrapes and burns ran down her right arm. She seemed to be asleep and in some distress, her hands clenching and unclenching, mouth moving, face locked in a frown. He stared at her for a moment and would have walked away if she hadn't let out the most desperate sound he'd ever heard. Shepard could laugh while shooting a Reaper, smile at cuts and bullet wounds, treat a near death experience like it was nothing, but it seemed that sleeping could put fear in her.

"Commander?" Vega walked towards her, his voice quiet "Commander?" She mewled in response but didn't wake. Vega reached up, feeling like he was about to put his hand in the fire, and touched Shepard on the shoulder "Commander?" this time he shook her, surprised when she didn't respond. "Shit" he looked around but couldn't see anyone else on the crew deck "Shepard, wake up" this time he grabbed her arm, mindful of the burns. Her skin was smooth and cool, just like anyone's would have been; he wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He was about to shake her again when he felt muscles tense under her skin. He looked up and saw bloodshot wild green eyes lock onto his. He didn't have time to process what happened next as she shot up, knocking the chair over, and clamped one of her hands round his jaw, her thumb practically in his mouth, the other was wrapped around his neck, fingers digging painfully into his windpipe.

"Shepard!" He grunted, barely able to get the word out. There was no trace of recognition in those hazy green eyes; there was only a cold, empty, killing look. Vega swallowed and wrapped his hands around Shepard's forearms, trying to prise them loose "Commander!" His voice was more of a rough cough as he choked the words out, his breath coming in desperate gasps. A cold feeling spread from his stomach as he realised the Commander was not going to let go. With a grunt he snarled and thrashed, flailed out with his elbow as he twisted, fighting his way free with a strength borne from desperation, and finally scrambling away, gasping for breath.

Shepard stumbled, grunting and spitting, staring wildly around. She slowly turned to look at Vega, eyes blinking, bleary with sleep.

"Vega...?" she winced and touched her fingers to her bloody mouth. They glared at each other for a moment, neither of them really sure what had happened, and that was when Vega realised he had made a series of very serious mistakes.

"Damn Shepard" he rubbed his neck "You nearly killed me" he spat angrily.

"What the hell were you doing?" Shepard snarled back, eyes still barely focussed.

"I was waking you up" he said, more calmly "You fell asleep, you were..." he trailed off "Looked like you were having a nightmare or something" now he rubbed his face.

Shepard kicked the toppled chair and peered at him "You should have left me" She shook her head and stumbled backwards, swaying.

"Must have been one hell of a dream" Vega watched as Shepard rubbed her eyes. There was a strange set to her face; it wasn't one he was used to seeing on her "You alright Commander?" he asked.

"Yeah" she looked around the mess then back at Vega, wincing at the livid red marks on his face and neck "Sorry Vega, I..." She paused.

"Don't worry about it" he backed slowly away, licking his lips with a nervousness that was anything but feigned. Shepard's eyes rolled towards him, still wild with pain and fear, beads of sweat shining across her forehead. Vega stared into a face he didn't recognise "get cleaned up Shepard" He nodded at her, a slight incline of his head "You look like shit" and with that he turned and left, retreating through the shadowy mess, sweat prickling at his neck and the small of his back.

Shepard watched him go, her heart still racing. She wasn't sure how long she'd been out but she felt sick and her emotions were raw.

"EDI" Shepard barked as she stalked towards the lift.

"Yes commander" dulcet, calm tones rang out on the internal speakers.

"I want every senior crew member in the war room now"

"Yes Commander"

* * *

Shepard walked into the war room and scanned the faces. Each of her team was lined up around the central table, faces grim. She hadn't bothered to change because she hadn't had time, and was well aware of the image she presented.

Tevos had expected victory, expected good news, the Alliance had expected the same, but only defeat had whispered. She tried to tell herself that through the course of the war, mostly, she'd won, and she knew she had. But it was only in the moments of defeat, times like these, the instants of paralyses, that made her really think about the outcome. That was when her thoughts returned to darker places, times when she'd failed in the past, a time when she'd died.

The Alliance had taught her that war was impersonal, after all, she was responsible to Alliance command and they could remove her at any time; in the final reckoning then, she really wasn't responsible, they were. And they had taught her that there was never anything personal in a conflict. You never met the leaders of the enemy, they would always be strangers, and only their military habits were familiar. But this war wasn't like that at all, this felt like _her_ war and _her_ enemies, be them the Reapers or Cerberus, knew her far too well.

"What happened on Thessia isn't going to happen again" Shepard spoke softly as she looked around the table "Cerberus got ahead of us, it was a monumental fuck up" she saw Liara and Garrus stiffen and knew one or both of them was about to protest. She raised her hand from the console to silence them, and both of them seemed to settle, their faces set and angry. Shepard stared at EDI and said very evenly, her voice completely controlled "We're going to find them, and we're going to destroy them"

"How the hell do we find them?" Vega's jaw bunched as he absently rubbed the fading marks on his neck.

"There must be someone who knows where they are" Tali said, leaning forward and pondering the galaxy map "A massive organisation like Cerberus doesn't just vanish into nothing!"

There was an uncomfortable silence as everyone in the room realized they had nothing.

"Well this has been enlightening" Joker remarked.

"Actually" Traynor shuffled as she spoke, wringing her hands awkwardly "There is something..." she paused, looking around.

Shepard didn't move an inch although every muscle became rigid, her eyes narrowing on the specialist "What is it Traynor? What do you have?"

"Well, I was able to track the Cerberus shuttle through the relay, and extrapolate the destination" she leant forward and highlighted a route on the galaxy map, she seemed to stop and think for a moment and then looked up at Shepard "But I lost the signal when it entered the Iera system"

"That's a shocker" Vega snorted, waving his hand dismissively.

Shepard ignored him and indicated for Traynor to carry on, sensing there was more.

"Well, we didn't really lose it, the signal is being actively blocked" The specialist stood up a little straighter "I can't tell you how, but something in that system is definitely blocking the Cerberus signal"

"Commander" EDI interrupted "That system is home to sanctuary and nothing else, it's supposed to be a safe haven for war refugees"

Shepard chewed her lip. She was furious and angry at having to stand in a room and discus, at having to leave the fight in the hands of others, of being away from the centre, from knowing what was happening.

"You think it's worth checking out Traynor?" Shepard stared at the specialist.

"Yes ma'am" Traynor nodded, glancing at EDI "I really do"

"Then that's where we're going" Shepard gripped the console "We have a chance here" she looked at her crew "Let's not waste it"

"It's a slim lead Shepard" Liara mumbled quietly, so unlike her usual self.

"More than we had a minute ago" Garrus added.

Shepard leaned forward, her body coiled with tension, when she spoke her voice was low, dangerously low "I want Cerberus" for a moment, she couldn't think through her fury "I want the data and I want the catalyst. This is the last time Cerberus will take anything from me, is that understood?" murmurs of agreement floated back to her "Good, get you kit squared, and be ready. Joker set a course for sanctuary. Dismissed"

* * *

Liara had asked EDI where Shepard was twice, and twice the AI had been evasive.

"EDI just tell me" Liara was stood in the CIC, hands on her hips as she glared at the avatar.

"Very well Liara but the Commander asked not to be disturbed by anyone including you" she looked away "she said she was busy"

"What?" Liara frowned, puzzled by the response.

"She is still inside the war room Doctor" EDI replied.

Liara nodded and headed through the door to the briefing area. Shepard hadn't stopped since coming back on board from Thessia. Liara sighed, thinking that the video conference with Admiral Hackett had been particularly hard on the Commander. She'd heard the raised voices from inside the war room where she'd been pacing, trying to calm down, and Shepard had emerged looking drained and distant.

Being on Thessia had been terrifying, but worse than that she felt guilty and responsible, she should have known about the artefact, know about the data it concealed. She desperately wanted to talk to Shepard, to try and explain, but she had suddenly become unavailable and EDI wouldn't tell her why.

With a sigh she made her way into the war room but as she approached the rear conference room, she froze.

Shepard was stood bathed in the blue light of the vidcom, her t-shirt held up loosely in one hand as Traynor cleaned the leaking shrapnel wound on her side. The flickering image of Admiral Anderson stood in front of them, his eyes dark with concern.

"I only ever wanted to be a solider" Shepard winced and Traynor apologised "But that all ended with that fucking beacon" She looked at the Admiral's face.

"Listen R..." he paused, glancing at the specialist and then back to Shepard who smirked at him, he'd almost used her first name "Put this behind you, don't lose your confidence. Remember what I said to you all those years ago during your N7 selection?"

"Yes" Shepard glanced at Traynor, green eyes meeting rich brown for a few seconds before she looked back at the holographic image.

"Confidence is key. An average confident leader can command, an average unconfident leader can't" He smiled thoughtfully "and you've never been average"

"That was a long time ago" Shepard mumbled, wincing again as Traynor smoothed on a line of medigel.

"Any regrets?" Anderson asks quietly.

"Yeah, a few, you?"

"Yeah, a few" He sighed, taking his hat off and rubbing his head.

"How bad is it down there?" Shepard asked.

"Unspeakable"

"Shit" Shepard looked away.

"Take it easy Shepard" Anderson replaced his hat and looked at her "we'll still be here for a while yet" he looked as if he wanted to say more but instead he nodded and reached out, touching something on the console in front of him that made his image fade.

Shepard straightened up, biting her lip as the motion sent pain lancing through her side.

"Commander" Traynor admonished as she used a small gauze pad to remove some of the excess medigel.

Liara stepped into the small space feeling like the awkward observer she was. Her brow creased with worry when she saw the state of the wound on Shepard's side and the collection of soiled and discarded gauze on the floor.

"You should be in the medical bay" she announced as Shepard's surprised green gaze tracked to hers "Again"

"I can't" Shepard's face was pale, forehead beaded with sweat "Chakwas will relieve me from duty, at least temporarily"

"Then so be it" Liara snapped harshly as she approached.

"Liara..."

"Don't" The Asari cut her off, but was surprised to see Shepard actually look off balance as a fleeting shadow of pain passed over her expression. Without thinking she moved closer and took hold of the Commanders free hand, gently entwining their fingers.

If Traynor noticed the intimate gesture, she didn't show it "Liara" the specialist waited for Liara to look at her "The wound has just reopened, it isn't deep enough for any surgical procedure now" she forced herself to look away from the Asari's piercing stare "Doctor Chakwas won't do anything that I haven't done" she steadfastly occupied herself by taping a square of sterile gauze over the wound.

"You're sure Specialist?" Liara asked quietly.

"Positive" Traynor replied, running her fingers over the taught abdomen, wincing in sympathy at the steady line of bruising creeping up the Commanders side and disappearing under her t-shirt.

Liara looked up to green eyes dilated and dark with pain, and her composure slipped as she brushed her fingers tenderly through a few loose strands of Shepard's hair.

"I'll be fine" Shepard said, a smile flickering on her face for just a second "I just need to lie down" she blew out a breath and tried to straighten once more.

"Commander" Traynor warned again, this time more harshly.

Liara wanted to stay, wanted to make sure Shepard was alright, but she had so much to do, so much to organize for her people. She met Shepard's eyes and nodded "Get some rest Shepard" she whispered as she stepped away, releasing the Commanders hand and putting distance between them "specialist please make sure the Commander actually gets to her cabin"

"I will" Traynor glanced between them.

Liara made a motion as if to speak but stopped, chewing her lip as she contemplated. With gentle shake of her head she turned and left, making it only several feet outside the war room before she stopped, leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes, taking a few deep, calming breaths. It suddenly felt like everything was coming apart.

* * *

It seemed like days had passed since Shepard had left the war room, but it had barely been more than an hour. She'd showered, changed and fallen into an uncomfortable, hazy doze, unable to concentrate on the act of real sleep. Eventually she'd given up and now found herself stood outside Liara's door.

Shepard used her omni tool to override the lock and stepped into the darkened room. The central area was in shadow, the monitors were turned off and glyph was powered down. Shepard walked towards the bed where Liara was lay, a collection of data pads surrounding her. There was enough light coming from a lone bedside lamp to illuminate their faces as they regarded one another silently, the air heavy between them.

"Commander?" Liara said quietly from the darkness. Her voice was hoarse, blue eyes red rimmed "You seem to have developed a habit of breaking into my room" she sighed "Did you need something?"

"Not really"

"Then I'll leave the lights off"

Shepard made her way to the side of the bed and eased down onto the edge, reaching out for Liara's hand "I'm sorry about earlier, I didn't mean to worry you"

"How are you feeling now?"

"Much better" Shepard hesitated "Hurts a little but I heal quickly, you know that"

"Yes, I know, is that all?" Liara replied sharply, taking her anger at her situation out on the one person she knew she shouldn't. She sat up against the pillows, shifting so she was facing Shepard.

"No" Shepard said softly, circling her thumb in the palm of Liara's hand "I came here because I couldn't sleep and my cabin felt empty"

Liara's heart rate picked up but she ignored it. Shepard was trying to distract her but she was not going to let her bodies response ruin her chain of thought "I didn't know about the artefact" she said quietly "I should have known, I let you down Shepard, I failed my people"

Shepard sighed "No you didn't" The despair in the Asari's eyes was overwhelming "You can't hold yourself responsible for any part of this" she reached up, her fingertips glancing over Liara's shoulder and running along her jaw "There are so many things we could have done differently to have avoided this outcome"

"Goddess Shepard I..." Liara paused and seemed to consider what she'd said "Goddess?" she laughed harshly, taking hold of Shepard's hand in hers to stop the wandering fingertips "I wonder what secrets other temples hide"

Shepard was undeterred by the warm fingers wrapped around hers, and leaned forward, brushing her lips over the edge of Liara's jaw "You're being too hard on yourself" she mumbled "This was not your failure Liara"

Liara ignored the low rumbling of desire that began to burn through her "I know what you're doing Shepard, you are trying to distract me" her voice sounded distant "But if this was not my failure then it wasn't yours either"

"No" Shepard moved her mouth a fraction of an inch closer to the sweet little hollow at the base of Liara's neck "I spent years trying to get my own people to listen to me. At separate times its cost me both my life and my career, but could I have done more to prevent this whole war? It still feels like it" She was leaning over the Asari now as she whispered "When things like this happen, It feels like it's all coming to bits doesn't it? But you can't let this limit you Liara"

"Shepard I can't just brush this aside" Liara said angrily "Every time I close my eyes I see the sky burning, my home crumbling, and so much death"

"You wouldn't be able to brush it aside even if you wanted to, trust me" Shepard took Liara's hand and kissed her fingers "But there isn't any death here"

Liara turned away, struggling to resist the pull of Shepard's words and the warmth of her delicate, persistant touch "I don't want to leave my people" She protested, her voice breaking.

Shepard kissed Liara's throat "I know, I didn't want to leave Earth either" she ran her fingers down the Asari's chest.

Liara moaned, unable to control the surge of desire as Shepard moved closer "Shepard, I'm not strong enough, I'm not a soldier" she tried to pull away but her voice was laced with need, and something Shepard didn't recognized.

Shepard worked the fastenings loose on Liara's jacket and the Asari didn't make a move to stop her "You're the strongest person I know" green eyes dimmed dark with desire focused on blue ones "Soldier or not, times like these are when you get the measure of yourself" Shepard worked the fabric down over Liara's shoulders "You can't allow the weak, frightened part of you to win" she tugged at the jacket, pulling it free to reveal an expanse of blue skin that begged to be touched. She ran her hand down the length of Liara's body, over her abdomen, down over the taught muscles of her thigh and back up the inside of her leg.

"Shepard..." Liara moved back, her eyes closing as she sucked in a breath. She wanted to be lost for a while. Not to think, not to struggle, not to mourn "I..." She raised one arm and wrapped it around the Commanders shoulder; threading her fingers through the thick hair at the base of her neck "I'm sorry" she opened her eyes and looked into Shepard's face.

"You know what I think?" Shepard took hold of Liara's shoulders gently and pushed her down onto the bed, moving above her.

"What?" Liara found a ghost of a scar on Shepard's forehead with the very tip of her thumb, traced the line of it down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. She'd never noticed it before as it weaved between distinctive freckles and she frowned, wondering how many other tiny landmarks she'd missed. She sighed and closed her eyes again; all she was aware of was the heat pouring from Shepard's body and the demanding press of her mouth. Shepard's kiss was anything but gentle, but she was wild and vibrant and everything that Liara needed.

"I think we should stop apologizing to each other" Shepard murmured against the Asari's lips, smiling when blue eyes opened and changed to pools of black.

A fractured wash of images skittered across the Asari's mind as she reached out to Shepard's. Vega, pale and dying alone; Garrus floating in the cold darkness, Tali blasted and burnt, fragile body destroyed, and finally her own body crumpled in the ash, speared through. She thought about what Shepard had said to her when she'd entered her cabin. _I couldn't sleep_, and now she knew why. The sudden reality of all they had at risk swept over her, and she drove her hands into Shepard's hair, clenching her fists in the rich auburn locks as she arched into the Commanders body, desperately needing the closeness. Needing the connection.

A moan that might have been a cry caught in Shepard's throat and she wrenched her head away from the kiss, baulking at the memory of her own nightmares, horrified that they had bled through in the meld.

"It's ok" Liara's voice was rough as she twisted Shepard's face back to her own, pressing her lips to the wild heartbeat in her throat "It's all right" she murmured.

Shepard stilled as the Asari undid the zip on her fatigue jacket until it lay open, exposing a strip of flesh down the centre of her body. She shuddered as fingertips edged beneath the fabric but she couldn't shake the nightmare from her mind.

"Shepard" Liara said in an almost conversational tone "Trust me"

Shepard stared down at the Asari, her face a mask of concentration as if she was pondering over some difficult equation. She let out a long breath and then nodded slightly, just the barest tilt of her head "I do" and then she kissed Liara, and kept kissing her until there was nothing left in her mind but thoughts of her.


	20. Chapter 20

Just some character interaction. Mainly because I didn't feel like writing any action.

* * *

Liara woke to the unfamiliar weight of another's arm across her waist. Unfamiliar but at the same time so very familiar, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Even if the events of last night weren't still fresh in her mind, she'd know it was Shepard holding her. She'd know the strength in that touch, her scent and the warmth of her mind, anywhere.

She rolled her head to the side and looked at Shepard. The woman was lay on her stomach, one arm pushed beneath her pillow, the other possessively slung across Liara. The sheets were bunched around her waist, exposing a long expanse of pale smooth skin that was smattered with scars and freckles.

For a long time she just watched Shepard breath, watched the restless flutter of her eyelids in sleep. With her vibrant green eyes closed she seemed so defenceless, and so young. Liara never really thought about the fact that Shepard was young, especially so in terms of the Asari, but just as much in her own, human terms. Carefully, she reached out and rested her fingertips against Shepard's cheek, smiling as she unconsciously nuzzled into her hand. Afraid of waking her up, Liara pulled her fingers away and instead busied herself with Shepard's hair. She was rolling a coil of it between her fingers, enjoying its strong, coarse feel when she felt - more than saw - Shepard wake.

"Morning" Liara murmured quietly as hazy green swam into focus and landed on her.

"Is it?" Shepard's voice was thick, husky with sleep "I lose track" her gaze shifted from Liara's face to where the Asari's fingertips were wrapped in her hair "You have an unhealthy fascination with my hair" she smiled, closed her eyes and pulled Liara closer.

"I do" Liara agreed as she singled out an individual strand and examined it "It's longer than I've ever seen it now" she paused and considered the single strand of reddish gold "I like it"

"Hmm" Shepard hummed "It's a pain"

Liara released the strand and rolled over onto one elbow. She dropped a hand down and began to massage the tight shoulder in front of her. Liara's fingers were firm and Shepard arched up into them, moving over slightly so the Asari could dig down into the hard, tense muscles.

"I never want to move" Shepard groaned as strong fingers moved and pressed hard into the knobs of her vertebrae. A sharp click cracked through the room, ligament sliding over bone and Liara froze.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Perfect" a slither of amused green appeared "but I need to move" Shepard sighed.

"I know" Liara flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling. They never seemed to have enough time.

* * *

Shepard hesitated, and then stuck her head around the wall to the mess. Tali was sitting at the far end of the mess table, her legs crossed over a chair in front of her. A holo screen was switched on above her as though she had been watching it; it showed the rolling citadel news channel, but the Quarian had turned from the sight and was gazing towards Shepard when she looked around the side of the wall.

"Oh, Shepard" She said, swinging her feet off the seat and leaning forwards "Are you hungry?"

Shepard, realising she couldn't escape the social interaction, walked into the mess and sat down next to her "Actually I am"

"Good, eat this" Tali pushed a bowl of some sort of soup towards her "Lieutenant Vega made it for me. It never dawned on him that I wouldn't be able to eat it"

"Vega?" Shepard stirred the still warm broth.

"Yeah" Tali dragged the word out "He's strange, even for a human, kept calling me sparks..."

Shepard snorted and swallowed a mouthful of broth, surprised at how good it tasted "Why sparks?"

"He said I had lights" She groaned "And that I was quick, and jumpy" A sigh "Keelah Shepard, can't you ever have any normal crew?"

"Mm?" Shepard mumbled around a mouthful "If I had a normal crew, you wouldn't be here would you?" Shepard smiled a little "Sparks"

"You're feeling better?" Tali asked and then looked away "After Thessia I mean"

"You're asking me If I've calmed down haven't you?"

Tali faced her again, tilting her head slightly as she considered Shepard "Yes" she nodded "It's going to get worse isn't it?" Eventually, in a voice tight with emotion, she continued "Before the end, on Earth, it will be worse than anything"

Shepard stopped eating and looked at the Quarian, aware that something had shifted in their dynamic "Yes"

"Are you ever..." Tali squirmed in her chair, suddenly reminding Shepard of the shy, nervous woman she'd met all those years ago "Are you ever worried about what will happen, of how this will end?"

Shepard put her hands flat on the table either side of her bowl, and took a deep breath "That's a big question"

"Shepard you don't have to answer I was just..."

"Afraid?" Shepard cut the Quarian off, watching as she nodded her head and looked away "You know about Akuze don't you?" Tali nodded and shifted, resting her arms on the table as she studied Shepard "When we arrived the colony was desolate, deserted and destroyed. We didn't know what we were going to face, what had killed the colonists, it was..." Shepard paused "Creepy. Imagination can create a situation worse than any reality, at least that's what I thought" She sighed "When the attack came that night, I was terrified" Shepard drummed her fingers on the table, her gaze distant "I look back now and don't know how I survived" a sigh "but I think fear was a big part of it"

"You're saying that it's ok to be afraid?" The sound of Tali breathing was loud in the empty mess.

"I'm saying only the dead are truly fearless Tali" Shepard reached out and put her hand on the Quarian's forearm "What's bought this on?"

Tali studied the pale hand on her arm enjoying the alien warmth of it through her suit "You, Garrus, Vega and even Liara now, you're all so competent" she shrugged "I've seen you do things that I never could" She exhaled and seemed to slump in her seat "Keelah, I'm an engineer! I fix things"

Shepard took her time but when she spoke, she sounded thoughtful "If you go into a fight with twenty soldiers, you'll get twenty of the same opinion on how to solve a problem" she reached out for her spoon and turned it aimlessly on the table "The reason this team works so well is because I don't have twenty soldiers. It's good to be afraid sometimes Tali. Everyone feels fear; it's how you use it that counts""

The slight, tender touch and Shepard's voice, soft with caring, sliced through the tenuous threads that were holding Tali's composure together, and she sniffled "Really?" Tali sighed "You never look afraid Shepard"

"That's a responsibly of command" Shepard let go of Tali's arm and leant back in her seat, a genuine smile creased her face as she ran her fingers through her hair "Would you follow someone's orders if they looked terrified? Acted like a shivering wreck?" She tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling, she could have said nothing at all, but for some reason she felt the need to be honest with the young Quarian "Tali, I've fought in some of the worst battles in modern Alliance history. I've been brutal and ruthless, disgusted myself and shamed my command. I've been a coward, I've run away and I've begged for my life" She looked at Tali now, her smile a ghost of its previous self "I've been shot and stabbed, more often than I'd like, and I've screamed and wailed in a fight" When she'd been younger, she would have boasted, listed all the times she'd succeeded, all the accolades and medals she'd won, but now she valued different things. She couldn't point at a moment in her life when the change had happened, but it had been a slow and painful change "Those few minutes, drifting through space outside the burning shell of the Normandy, when I felt my suit rupture" she breathed a deep ragged sigh and stared out across the mess, all traces of humour gone "I'm not sure I'd ever felt real fear, real, immobilizing fear. The kind that you only get when you know there is nothing else you can do, until that point" she looked down at her hands, nicked and scarred, but whole on the gleaming mess table. When she faced Tali, she was immensely glad that she couldn't see the Quarian's face; she didn't want to see the expression on it "I feel fear every time I step into a fire fight Tali, and I'm pretty sure that's what's kept me alive"

Tali's throat was very tight as she studied the human woman, thinking suddenly that she had no place asking Commander Shepard such questions "I'm sorry Shepard" Tali muttered "I shouldn't have asked you any of that"

"Why not?" Shepard shrugged "I come to you with engineering questions all the time"

"It's not really the same thing"

"Isn't it?" Shepard linked her fingers together "I've always been a soldier, why would you not ask me questions like this?" Shepard tilted her head as her eyes narrowed "Do you think less of me now, having heard all that I've said?"

Tali snorted and waved her hands in the air "No!" She shook her head "Shepard, if anything I think more of you"

"And there's your answer" She glanced at Tali, an expression of concern on her face "Are you alright?"

"Keelah Shepard!" Tali reached across and snatched up the Commanders hand, linking their fingers "Only _you_ would ask _me_ that after everything that's happened"

Shepard glanced down at their entwined fingers and felt a knot of worry deep in her stomach. Tali was right, she was unique in her team, not a solider but equally as capable. To Shepard she symbolised something greater than herself, an innocence that needed defending. She'd proved herself time and time again, but more importantly she bought calmness to the crew, a softness that Shepard wasn't sure anyone else could replace and it was something desperately welcome in the hardness of war. Shepard sighed and ran her thumb idly over the fingers linked with hers; she feared that the loss of Tali would devastate the crew more than the loss of anyone.

"What's that look for?" Tali asked suddenly.

"What look?" Shepard replied, trying to sound more casual than she felt.

"It was..." Tali paused and made an odd, sucking sort of sound "Far away?"

"I was just thinking, that's all" Shepard replied. Tali stirred something in her, the desire to comfort and protect "Just promise me you'll look after yourself Tali?"

Shepard could just make out Tali's smile through the haze of her face plate "Don't worry about me Shepard" Tali mumbled "I'm tougher than you think"

"Oh believe me, I know" Shepard let go of the Quarian's hand and pushed back in her chair, standing up and stretching as she yawned.

"Where are you going?" Tali asked, leaning back and kicking her legs out in front of her.

"Nowhere important, we still have some time and I have something's I need to do"

Tali nodded "Thank you Shepard"

"No problem" Shepard shrugged and gave Tali a slow, tender smile "Anytime" she added as she walked away, leaving Tali alone with her thoughts.

* * *

Liara walked into the CIC and was assaulted by a wave of activity. Garrus was stood with two human soldiers, his hip leant against one of the consoles, taking the weight from his injured leg. EDI was engrossed in her omni tool as a group of engineers observed her, and Traynor was... Liara wasn't actually sure what Traynor was doing. She was sat down beneath her console, with a strip of white fabric pooled around her like spilt milk and various tools were spread out along it. She held a strand of cable between her grubby fingers, studying it with cross-eyed intensity. Liara almost laughed at the look of determined concentration on the woman's face.

She smirked and made her way to where the specialist sat, surprised as two young men in maroon alliance uniforms touched their fingers to their heads in acknowledgement as she walked past. She nodded back to them, unsure of the correct way to accept the compliment and curious as to why it had been offered.

"Specialist?" Liara crouched down next to the woman "Can you spare a moment?"

Traynor blew out her cheeks and nodded "Of course, what's the problem?"

Liara bought up her omni tool display and cycled through information "I'm having some access issues with my network, some sort of high level interference" she chewed her lip as she surveyed the readout "I've tried to clear it up with no success, I was wondering if you could help"

"No problem" Traynor put the strip of wire between her teeth as she reached over for a data pad. After a few moments of studying she put it back down on the floor and removed the wire from her mouth "Oh that tastes disgusting" she made a sour face and wiped her mouth with her sleeve "I see the problem" she ran her fingers over the pad and paused, her face becoming sheepish.

"What is it?" Liara asked as rich brown eyes met hers.

"I was testing some filtering software" Traynor looked away "It looks like it might have been the cause" she shrugged and gave Liara a timid smile "Sorry?"

Liara looked at the young woman for a moment as she ran her hand through her dishevelled hair, a gesture not unlike Shepard "It's alright" Liara mumbled quietly "Can you repair it?"

"Of course!" Traynor leant forward and made a motion as if she was going to show Liara the data pad, but stopped herself. She looked uncertain "I suppose the mechanics of it aren't important, I'll get it done straight away"

"Thank you Specialist" Liara nodded and went to stand when suddenly warm fingers wrapped around her wrist.

"Liara, about earlier, in the war room, with the Commander" A sudden awkwardness made Traynor avoid the Asari's eyes, but if Liara was at all uncomfortable, she showed no sign of it "I... The Commander all but ordered me to treat her, I told her to go to the med bay but she..."

Liara looked levelly at the human woman "Specialist, you do not have to explain anything to me" she smiled "I understand what Shepard is like, if you hadn't treated her, she would have attempted to treat herself"

Traynor felt an immense release, as if from a weight or an unrelenting grip and she sighed, her shoulders slumping "I'm so glad, I can imagine what it looked like, you walking in and finding me with my hands all over the Commander" she froze, her eyes going wide "Not that that's what was happening, I mean..." She scrubbed her face with her hands "I'm an idiot and I'm babbling" Traynor was surprised when Liara reached out and gently touched her shoulder. When she looked up, the blue eyes regarding her were compassionate, yet the Asari seemed to exude a sense of strength and command that was compelling.

"Traynor" Liara smiled at her a little sadly "Please, do not worry about anything"

"It's just there's so much happening" Traynor shook her head "So many repairs, so many reports and..." she threw her hands in the air "I think I still have a lot to learn about ship life and war"

"No" Liara shook her head at the self recrimination in Traynor's voice "You do not need to learn anything else about war Specialist, I think serving on the Normandy will teach you just about everything"

Traynor was about to say more when she felt a subtle shift in the air in the CIC, like the change in pressure before an electrical storm. Every face turned towards the elevator as Shepard and Vega walked in. Shepard was dressed in her hard suit trousers, boots and a white t-shirt, a paladin pistol was tucked into the waistband. Vega was similarly dressed but his face was hard, his mouth set in a grim line, eyes distant.

"Garrus" Shepard called the Turian over and indicated the central area of the CIC.

Liara watched as Shepard and Vega called up a three dimensional display of sanctuary and began highlighting various areas on the map. Garrus folded his arms and nodded in agreement at something the human man said, his mandibles flaring slightly.

"What about here?" Vega asked, leaning over towards the map and expanding the area with his thumb and forefinger.

"Yeah" Shepard rested her forearms on the console in front on her and nodded slowly "That could work, touch down there and they won't see us on the approach"

"They won't see us?" Vega gave Shepard a strange look "Who gives a shit if they see us? We're going to steamroll them"

"Maybe" Shepard looked up at him "See here?" Shepard reached out and pointed at a small choke point on the map, watching as her hand passed through the display and back "We could sneak down here, they'd be unaware"

"Shepard?" Vega snorted "Why the hell are we sneaking?"

Shepard looked at the map, ignoring Vega for a moment "This will be a full attack, maximum aggression, momentum and violence concentrated on their HQ. We need to maintain surprise" She gave Vega a sideways glance "You wouldn't walk up to a guy in the street and say 'Excuse me, I'm going to mug you in a minute' would you?" She shook her head, shrugging fractionally "No you wouldn't, you'd walk up, kick him in the head, take his stuff and run" Now Shepard stood up "Silence in needed before the attack, music is needed _for_ it"

"Music?" Garrus asked, tilting his head curiously.

"Yeah, a symphony of violence unleashed on the enemy" Shepard replied as she stared down at the map. Her focus was sharp but distance "Don't worry Vega, you'll get your fight"

"They teach you this _music_ in the Alliance?" Garrus smirked but caught a sudden unmonitored expression on Shepard's face; a raw anguish, gone before he could be sure it was anything more than a cynical, brilliant grin.

"The Alliance?" Shepard folded her arms across her body "They taught me to close with and kill the enemy, in all weather, in all terrain, day or night" she shook her head "But it ended there. Right now, we are the sharp end of this war. Who the fuck are the rest of the Alliance? We fight, we kill. Cerberus won't trouble anyone else after this, ever"

"Boom!" Vega slammed his fists down on the console "Too right! Gods of fucking war!"

Liara watched the exchange with a sad sort of resignation. She'd accepted a long time ago that there were two sides to Shepard, but never had she seen them so completely opposite in such a short space of time. The woman who had been lay next to her only a few hours ago, seemed so impossibly far away from the tough, aggressive, hard edged solider that stood in front of her now.

"Hey" Traynor drew her attention with a gentle hand on her forearm "Let's hope this war doesn't drag on much longer"

Liara looked at the woman, surprised at how perceptive she was "If it does drag on for much longer Specialist, I fear there won't be much left worth saving"

"I think you might be right" Traynor sniffed and brushed her hand over her forehead, leaving an oily smear in its wake.


	21. Chapter 21

Sorry about the delay, hope you're all still following. I've been away with work for a few weeks so haven't been able to post. It actually worked out in my favour as I wasn't sure what to do with this chapter or how to approach the Miranda arc considering how little she bought to the third game. Anyway, diverts from the canon story a bit here but hopefully you'll enjoy it. Some gory fighty bits are ahead!

* * *

Shepard watched as the scene unfolded with thinly veiled horror. Beyond the glass, almost in touching distance, lay a row of distorted and disfigured refugees, faceless, genderless and completely lifeless, suspended between husk and human.

"What the fuck were they doing here?" Vega splayed his fingers against the glass as he peered into the room "I knew Cerberus were down with some fucked up shit, but this?" he looked across at Shepard "Tell me they aren't changing these people into husks?"

Shepard was about to respond when a piercing scream made her flinch and one of the refugees surged to life in a violent twist of limbs. Shepard heard Liara gasp behind her, heard Tali mutter something in Quarian.

The semi husk rolled off the bed, its mouth moving, arms swinging as its flesh changed from an already inhuman grey to a deeper, sickly shade of blue. A few clumps of dark hair fell down from the top of the husks head, flopping down to frame its face. Pinpoint lines of blue ignited and rippled beneath rubbery skin, accompanied by a sickening sound, like gristle being punctured and torn. The husk fumbled forward, its movements uncoordinated for a moment until its stuttering crawl became smoother, almost feline. With another scream, this time almost mechanical, it threw itself against the glass and climbed past them in a hideously inhuman motion.

"I don't believe it" Garrus growled "I can't believe it"

Shepard didn't say anything as her fingers flexed on the console in front of her, igniting a trail of lights that seemed too bright in the dim hall. She touched the activation switch and four squealing, blearing horns sounded, accompanied by a polite voice announcing the decontamination procedures had been activated. A thick cloud of gas filled the room for a few seconds before it was completely enveloped in flames and a warm rush of air from the overhead vents enveloped them. It smelt like fire and disease.

"Shepard" Tali drew the Commander's attention to another console where a red flashing light indicated an incoming transmission.

"Bring it up" Shepard made her way over and watched as Tali bought the video screen to life "Miaranda?" Shepard was shocked to see the other woman.

"Bloody hell Shepard, what are you doing here?" The video screen crackled "I should have known all this racket was you" Miranda grunted, wiping her face absently.

"Where are you?" Shepard took in Miranda's surroundings, noting the black smoke in the background and the muffled shouts.

Miranda sucked in a breath and sounded apologetic "Not too far from you, I seem to have bitten off a bit more than I can chew!" She slumped backwards, panting heavily "It's my father Shepard" she shouted above the noise, her voice resounding in the space around her "He's been conducting experiments, sanctuary isn't what it seems" her sweat stained face was ashen.

"Miranda" Shepard interrupted "We know, is the illusive man here?" she watched as Miranda rubbed her face, leaving a smear of blood across her cheek.

"No" She replied "No" Miranda closed her eyes as she repeated, shaking her head and rubbing her chin.

"Stay where you are, send me your coordinates" Shepard waited for Miranda to input her details, sighing with relief when she received them on her omni tool "I mean it Miranda, we aren't far from your position, stay put"

"Shepard, I can't just sit here, my father..."

"That's a god damn order Lawson" Shepard bought her fist down on the console as she growled out the words.

"I'm not Alliance Shepard" Miranda's voice was firm but there was a hint of a smile on her face "That said, I'm probably not in the best condition to be fighting" she winced "Hurry up Commander" and the video feed was cut.

"Shepard" Liara approached her from behind, her voice tentative "There's something else..."

"What?" Shepard got the feeling she wasn't going to like what the Asari was about to say.

"There's a video log, and more" She looked away and then back to Shepard "Thousands of science logs and reports, data on what they were trying to achieve here"

"And just what was that?" Garrus moved up between them, his hands clenched on his sniper rifle "What could they have been doing that was worth all this?" he indicated their surroundings with a wave of his hands.

"Trying to control the Reapers" Liara sighed.

"Well that's a damn surprise!" Shepard growled "The illusive man always was a fool there were never any barriers to what he wanted to achieve"

"No Shepard, that's the problem" Liara shook her head "He succeeded"

"What?" Tali interrupted "Not possible"

"The experiments were extreme, and in a limited area but..." She blew out a breath and wiped her brow with the back of her hand "but they were successful"

"That's why the Reapers attacked" Garrus muttered "The Illusive man has them running scared!"

"Shit" Shepard closed her eyes and let the information sink in. When she opened them, everyone was looking at her "Upload the data to the Normandy" a cacophony of protest bombarded her "Enough!" She yelled above the din.

"Shepard, you can't be serious?" Tali shook her head "This data is covered in blood, look what they're doing here!" she took a step back from the commander as if physically repulsed "All these lives, this is torture, murder!"

"Shepard she's right" Garrus interjected "We'll retrieve the catalyst, there's no need to use this. Plus who knows what we'll need to do to actually get it to work, you can't be advocating this?" he sounded horrified.

"And what if we don't retrieve the catalyst?" Shepard rounded on Garrus, her voice raising an octave "What if the catalyst doesn't exist or doesn't work? What then?" she pointed her finger at him "This data, no matter how soaked in blood, could represent a desperate last resort for us" she cleared her throat and when she spoke again her voice was even and calm "Do you think we have a choice in this? That we can afford to take the moral fucking high ground because this leaves a bad taste? Do you think I don't know how much this data has cost humanity?" Shepard shook her head angrily "This" now she jabbed her finger at the flaming room behind them "has the Reapers worried, and I'm not prepared to sit by and let trillions of people get slaughtered because I'm worried about the angle of my moral compass" Shepard turned on Liara now "Upload the data Liara, and if any one feels that strongly about this..." She scanned her crew, green eyes focussing on each of them in turn "Feel free to get off the Normandy at the next stop, understood?" To her surprise, there was no further complaint "Good, let's get this done" She reloaded her rifle and swallowed down a mouthful of bile. _Morality_, Shepard thought, sometimes is the only rule we have left, and she was painfully aware of just how close that one sinew that bound her to humanity, was to snapping.

* * *

Shepard could hear raised voices on the other side of the door.

"We need to hurry" Liara muttered glancing at the Quarian next to her.

"Kee'lah!" Tali input something into her Omi tool but the door lock remain stubbornly red "Nearly have it" there was an edge of cracked panic to her voice as she entered more commands.

A few minutes later the door finally stuttered open revealing a shocked looking Henry Lawson who reacted to the intrusion by leaping forward and levelling a pistol to the head of his daughter. He growled as he locked one arm around her throat, and turned wild eyes in Shepard's direction, his finger on the trigger, a trembling grin on his face.

"Don't come any closer" He shouted. Miranda clutched at his arm as he squeezed even tighter, his hands shaking, eyes darting back and forth between Shepard and Liara. "I'm warning you!"

"Miranda?" Shepard called out, ignoring Henry.

"Orinana..." Miranda slurred the word as her eyes closed and her hands stopped clawing at her father's arm. She didn't look so good. Her skin was abraded at the throat and black blood matted her hair, above her right ear. Shepard realized with sinking stomach that she was already on the verge of collapse.

"Shepard" Garrus indicated a heap on the floor with a jerk of his rifle and Shepard sighed.

Orinana's corpse was lay curled up in a foetal position, her eyes seemingly staring, unnervingly straight at her. There was a yawning gunshot wound to her stomach, her blood smeared hands laying either side of it, as though she'd died trying to desperately squeeze it shut.

Shepard sucked in a deep breath through her nose and looked back at Miranda. She shook her head once and clamped her jaw shut at the wash of defeated horror that passed over the woman's face.

"No..." Miranda whispered, slumping further in her father's grasp.

"Let her go" Shepard shouted, voice deep and steady.

"You aren't going to kill me" Henry replied with a sneer. The barrel of his pistol was pressed against Miranda's skull as he started to back away from them, dragging Miranda with him "I know too much, you need what I know"

Shepard poured over her options, her mind working overtime. With a snarl she raised her pistol a fraction and fired twice, watching dispassionately as Henry Lawson's head exploded in a mass of blood and bone.

Miranda slumped to the floor, but strong hands caught her before she crashed.

"She's dead isn't she?" Miranda's voice was very weak but her eyes were open. She seemed unfocused, her words barely whisper, blue lips moving only a fraction.

"Yes" Shepard held her steady as she answered "I'm sorry" she fumbled off her gloves and touched her fingers to the clotted mass of Miranda's head. Something gave and Miranda moaned.

"She's dying" Garrus knelt down next to her, his hand resting on Shepard's shoulder "The Reapers are just outside the door Shepard"

Shepard was knelt beside Miranda, awkward in her armour, caught between grief and a nightmare wave of approaching Reaper troops "I'm sorry" she fumbled for Miranda's hand "I didn't get here fast enough"

"You did" Miranda said gently "Shepard, I set a tracking device on the last Cerberus shuttle" she shifted slightly, blood welling on her lips "You can find them now"

Shepard cupped her hand and laid it against Miranda's cheek "Always thinking ahead" she reached up to the woman's brows, smoothing them with a feather touch. Miranda she shivered with a deep, intense pain, blood was matted in her thick hair and Shepard could feel the skull swelling "I'm so sorry" She felt Miranda sigh under her hand. She felt her die. With blood covered fingers she reached out, touched the woman's hair and then closed the blue veined lids of her eyes. A wave of sorrow and regret washed over her as she stood and stepped back from the body. _More failure_.

"Shepard..." Liara reached out to her but Shepard backed away and walked calmly to the other side of the room.

Shepard was simultaneously aware of the Garrus approaching rifle in hand, of the rest of her squad standing back slightly, of the noise from the Reapers shrieking closer beyond the door; aware of every muscle tensing as she flinched at the sounds. She felt her rage build, beginning to peak. It moved within her, below conscious thought, deep in her soul. It was the strongest of her reflexes, the greatest of her appetites and she couldn't help as a frightening pearl of hysterical hilarity spilt from her lips in the form of a burst of insane, rage laced laughter. She lifted her hand to the door seal and unlocked it. All hell broke loose. Someone screamed.

* * *

Shepard was hot, her skin prickling beneath her hard suit. She felt strange, dizzy almost and her nostrils were filled with the scent of cannibals, she could hardly breath for the stench of them. Sweat ran down her face. Garrus roared something at her but she couldn't make sense of the words, they echoed and bounced off the walls but wouldn't sink in.

A round of rifle fire ignited a console off to her side and it spat out a wave of stinging sparks and acrid smoke. The room was filled with Reapers, ragged, disjointed shapes moving through the heated air. The noise was horrendous, a furious din of growls and shouts punctuated by people shouting her name. She shook her head and flapped her hand in the direction of the voices. She had to have an outlet for her rage, she couldn't let it consume her.

She was breathing fast, in huge ragged gasps that she couldn't seem to calm and every lungful of air burnt her throat. She looked down at where her hand was bunched in a fist around her pistol grip, painfully tight, the knuckles pale with furious pressure.

"Shepard!" Liara screamed.

Shepard recognized the voice and turned to see the panicked Asari on the other side of the room.

"We have to fall back!" She shouted again.

"No" Shepard shook her head, her voice harsh as she fired her pistol into the face of the nearest cannibal "I'm not finished yet"

Anger was a powerful weapon in the right hands and the hottest burning hatred Shepard had, was for the Reapers. They'd taken so much from her, they'd taken her future.

She emptied her clip into the mass of churning Reaper flesh in front of her, pausing to rip her helmet off as gore and debris obscured her view. Another clip was slapped in, and another emptied. She shoved the pistol in its holster when the Cannibals were too close and switched on her omni blade. It hummed to life as she swung it through the air, leaving bright orange trails in its wake. The Reaper's screamed and chattered as pieces of them were scattered, sliced and divided.

Something dug into Shepard's back and her suit alarm sounded in her ear, but there was no pain. She showed her teeth and smiled at the depleting crowd as more bodies fell under the weight of gun fire from behind her. Someone shouted her name again but she ignored it as she shifted forwards, feigning to the left to avoid a Cannibals outstretched hands and retaliating with a savage slice that cut through the reaper from neck to groin. Black blood spilled out onto the bright metal floor as Shepard dug her fist into the wound, ripping out the Reapers insides as it toppled away and crashed onto its back.

There was a roar, a brute, too close. She had missed its approach in the chaos and noise. Shepard felt herself dragged into the air, limbs flopping. The Brutes clawed hand went up, black against the tube lighting and slapped down on her, dragging along her shoulder. It was like running into a wall and light burst open in Shepard's skull, her mouth filling with blood. She heard herself grunt and then she was flying. Gunfire, biotic bursts of light and terrified faces all became meaningless smears as she bumped off the wall and crashed, half senseless to the ground.

* * *

"Shepard!" Liara yelled as she unloaded the full might of her biotic power into the back of the Brute "Garrus cover us, Vega with me" Liara had not expected Shepard to get up from the Brute's attack, but she did. Blood stained her teeth pink, seeped from her torn lips and Liara could tell from the way she lurched forward that there was something, awfully, sickeningly wrong.

"Whatever your gonna do Doc make it quick" Vega shouted across at Liara "We're about to get over run"

Liara lunged forward and grabbed Shepard under the armpit, dragging her roughly backwards as Vega unloaded his Revenant into the creatures face. Shepard turned to her, ready to shake her arm free.

"Shepard!" Liara's voice was almost tentative, laced with concern and fear.

"What?" Shepard hissed, staggering and pulling away.

"The shuttle, we have to make it to the shuttle" Liara shouted. Shepard didn't move, she just looked at Liara her expression completely bland, her eyes empty, fearless and flat. Liara flashed back to last time she'd seen that expression on Shepard's face, on Thessia, as she was about to fall to her death. She grimaced, the memory of that look was like a wound that wouldn't heal "Go!" Liara shoved Shepard forward but the Commander just staggered and stumbled to her knees, moaning as a gaping wound on her shoulder pulled open "Goddess Shepard" Liara gasped.

"The shuttle?" Shepard staggered to her feet as the room spun, swam around her as she eyed the mass of bodies surrounding them. She stumbled, blinked and then fell to her knees again, welcoming the darkness.

* * *

Shepard moaned and fell down again. Pain was everywhere. She moaned until blood caught in her throat then coughed and gasped. Her world was a foggy smear as she gurgled up more blood and coughed it out, long enough to moan again.

A hand clamped over her mouth "Easy Shepard" Vega muttered softly "You're alright, you're ok" the hand moved away and air came out between her gritted teeth. Another hand fastened around her waist, dragged her arm up. She gasped as her shoulder stretched out, was dragged over something hard.

"Come on Shepard" This voice was soft but tortured, familiar but oddly cold.

She was lifted slowly, she pushed up with her legs, breath whistling, as a hot river trickled from her shoulder down her back. Her knee buckled, pain stabbed up her leg and she tumbled, about to fall but was caught in a warm, tingling biotic field. She couldn't focus, couldn't see.

"Shepard!" A hand grasped her face, twisted it and then she was looking into cool blue eyes, hard like steel but scared, a beautiful face "I need you to stay with us, focus, please, we're nearly there"

Shepard grunted as her squad ran ahead, Garrus shouting across at Tali to keep eyes on the landing zone. She couldn't remember what had happened.

"What did I do?" Shepard mumbled around a mouthful of blood "What did I just do?"

Vega just looked at her with a strange mixture of fear, awe and anger.

"What? I don't..."

"It's done now Shepard" Liara interrupted her "That is all"


	22. Chapter 22

Had some awesome feedback and PM's this week, thank you all so much. The story is getting pretty dark right now and it's hard to write sometimes, so it's all good for my motivation, that said, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Right now we have some recovery, before the next big push.

* * *

The door slid open and two ragged shapes stood in the doorway, covered in blood and filth. Shepard had one arm across Liara's shoulders, the other swinging loose, blood dripping from her fingertips, head drooping. They wobbled together toward the bed before Liara lowered her slowly down. Shepard rolled onto her side as Doctor Chakwas scooped her legs up. The deep gash in her shoulder yawned open, oozing blood across the pristine white sheets.

"Goddess" Liara looked away and took a step back allowing the Doctor complete unrestricted access to Shepard. She shook her head, horrified at the damage.

"She'll be alright" Vega muttered as he pulled up behind her and put a bloodied hand on her shoulder. His eyes were focused on Shepard and although his voice was solid, his face was pale.

"I do not understand what happened" Liara didn't look at him, she just watched the flurry of motion as the doctor and two assistants removed Shepard's armour, administered drugs and staunched blood flow. Shepard grumbled something incoherently, her skin was deathly pale and her arm hung loose off the side of the bed "Why did she engage the Reapers?" Liara felt sick.

"I don't know Doc" Vega's grip tightened on her shoulder but still his gaze never left the injured woman "Grief, anger. I've had my fair share of moments like that. I'll be honest though" he paused and whistled "She made a dent in those Reapers down there. Beam a recording of that to Earth and morale would sky rocket "  
"What?" Liara was looking at him and when he finally made eye contact with her, she was shocked at the awe and fear she could see in the big marine's eyes.

"If the whole Reaper army would have turned up in that room Doc, they wouldn't have stood a chance" He sighed and absently wiped his bloodied hand on his hard suit.

"It was stupid, reckless!" Liara spat "She could have been killed, we all could have"

"Look" Vega shifted nervously "I don't know Shepard the person very well, but I know Shepard the soldier, and what happened down there needed to happen" he shook his head "When you fight this much, have this much going on, you need to let it out, or it destroys you"

"You two" the shrill voice of Dr Chakwas cut through the air "Out, now" she waved a blood covered hand in the direction of the med bay door.

"But I..." Liara protested but was cut off by Vega.

"Come on Doc, we need to get cleaned up" He grabbed the Asari by the upper arm and twisted her away from the scene. He was immeasurably glad that she didn't resist.

* * *

Garrus spun around as the lift to the CIC opened and Tali stepped out. He watched as the Quarian took in the scene and then zeroed in on him, making her way over slowly.

"You all right?" He asked but already knew the answer.

"Yes" She tilted her head a little, as if considering her answer "And no, is Shepard all right?"

"I don't know the extent of her injuries, but she's alive and stable" Garrus replied in a soft voice. He'd come straight to the CIC after boarding, ensuring EDI and Traynor could pick up and follow the tracking device. The whole deck was a hive of activity and he mentally listed the things he had to do. He made a motion towards the Commanders console but winced and looked down at his leg. A neat, black rimmed hole about a centimetre across had been punched through the back of his calf. He flexed it and winced again, the wound was already cauterised but it hurt like hell "That was amazing. Amazing" he looked up at Tali and promptly looked away. There was a long smear of Shepard's blood on her suit, near her chin, a vivid contrast to the purple motif and a stark reminder of the position they were in "I've never known anyone to escape from an encounter like that, where so many things went wrong" a pause "I'm amazed" he shifted his weight in to his other hip as he surveyed the Alliance crew around him. He'd been in Command of the Normandy before, many times, but never with Shepard completely out of commission. Seeing so many faces he knew, he suddenly felt the weight of that responsibility.

Tali followed his gaze for a moment "Don't worry about the crew Garrus" she folded her arms "They don't see you any differently from Shepard"

"Really?" He took a step closer to her "Can you really be sure of that?"

"No" She shook her head slowly "But you shouldn't doubt their professionalism, they want to hear you, they want you to tell them what to do" she gestured towards the war room and was about to say more, when she paused and sucked in a painful breath.

"You hurt?" Garrus walked up to the Quarian and took a good look at her, walking around to examine the back of her suit "Damn Tali" A long dark scar on the surface near the base of her spine tracked all the way up to her shoulder blade "Your suit is covered in scorch marks" two more dark scars marked the side, along her ribs "You need to either get a proper hard suit, or a better shield generator" he flared his mandibles in annoyance.

"Its fine" She muttered, turning away.

"It isn't _fine_" Garrus snapped "That graze is almost through" he pointed at the scorch by her spine, then almost in a whisper, he said monotonously "You need to be more careful, one tear, one unlucky shot and you could die from infection. I can deal with a lot of things Tali, but not that, never that"

"Kee'lah" Tali turned and grabbed both his hands and held them "It's all right, don't worry" she held his hands as if she held a drowning man, gripping him painfully hard, as if the tighter the grip, the more chance she stood of calming his anguish. She shook his hands gently, trying to catch his eye.

Garrus sighed, reversed the grip and closed his hands around hers "I mean it"

Tali's hands were wrapped in Garrus' broad fingers "I'll get a new shield generator" she shrugged awkwardly "and reinforce my suit, if that will make you feel better"

"It'll help" Garus bit back the anguish in his tone and repeated, more calmly "Yeah, that will help"

"Ok" Tali glanced deliberately down at herself and then laughed shakily. A tension in her relaxed as Garrus let go of her hands "Is that your idea of being romantic?"

Garrus gave her a crooked smile but Tali couldn't make out what lay behind his expression "As romantic as I get I'm afraid" He almost laughed but choked it back.

"Well at least I know what I'm getting myself into" Tali murmured quietly, her gaze dropping. She rubbed at a mark on the arm of her suit, picking at some of the grime. She felt a pressure, a weight, and lifted her head to find Garrus had wrapped his arm around her shoulders, trying to force his touch through her suit.

"It would seriously surprise me if you didn't" This time Garrus did laugh.

* * *

Liara leant forward, shaking her head and gripping the console edge in front of her. She glanced up at the hazy, flickering image of Anderson as she listed the details of the attack on Sanctuary. He'd asked her what their next move was, but she couldn't answer. Their situation was so complicated, there were so many cultural, political, religious and military dynamics to consider that she was almost overwhelmed just thinking about it. She sighed and thought how strange it was that soldiers, primarily trained to fight had suddenly become the galaxies politicians, aid workers and engineers. When she looked up again she caught an unguarded, stunned expression on Andersons face and that scared her. He was the experienced one here, the one they were looking to for guidance, Shepard's closest military confidant.

"That was some brief" Anderson muttered, rubbing his hands together and exhaling slowly "Will Shepard recover?" his gaze was piercing.

"Completely" Liara replied.

"Good, good" He sucked his teeth for a moment "Look Liara, I know what you're thinking. But we can get through this together. We've got a strong team and I'm confident in everyone's ability..." he caught the vague hint of amusement on the Asari's face and paused "What?"

"You sound an awful lot like Shepard" Liara gripped the console edge tighter as she stared through Anderson's image.

"You mean Shepard sounds an awful lot like me?" he chuckled and then sighed "You're worried about her?" he asked slowly.

"Yes. I know that physically she will be fine" Liara gave a small, strangled, despairing laugh "But that is not what I am worried about" she gave Anderson a sideways look "I have never seen Shepard like that and I fear the cost of this war"

Anderson nodded and looked up sharply at the Asari "I can understand that, but I have faith in her and so should you" his image flickered and he turned to look at something, pausing for a moment before turning back to Liara "Shepard is hugely intelligent and one of the most experienced soldiers the Alliance has. She can be stubborn and arrogant, but she has her mission and she still fiercely believes in it. I know she spends hours planning, thinking of new ways to get the upper hand against the Reapers, and she's good at it and very very good at professionally executing it too" He paused again, and much like Shepard, Liara could see the shift from Anderson - a tired, worn man- to an Alliance soldier and Admiral before her eyes "Unlike you or I, she is solely responsible for delivering this mission, but like any Commander, she has to be prepared to lose people to complete it. The pressure of that in such an unsure and changing environment is immense" He folded his arms "It's understandable that Shepard's decisions will become more emotive, more reactionary. It's natural, it's part of war, but she's been trained for this, she'll be fine"

Liara looked around at the blank consoles, shaking her head slowly "I am not so sure I believe you"

"That's a damn shame Liara" he shook his head and took his hat off "Because I can guarantee you, the only person whose belief she needs, is yours" he sighed and wiped his forehead with the back of his hand "Now go" he made a gentle shooing motion with his hands "Tell Shepard when she's fit, to come speak to me"

"Admiral I..." Liara paused momentarily as a new cold dread settled in her stomach and began to gnaw at her. She wanted to run, wanted to find a dark corner of the galaxy where they could hide from the Reapers. The reality of the war so far had eroded her convictions and she realised with a sad sense of personal disgust that she valued Shepard more than she valued the mission. She no longer believed there was any way they could truly defeat the Reapers.

"Liara look at me" Anderson's harsh tones broke her reverie and she looked up to see the Admiral staring at her with a knowing smile "I understand what you're feeling"

"Do you?" Silently, dark eyes fixed on hers.

"More than you know" Anderson stared at her, speaking softly "More than you know" and with that he cut the video feed, leaving Liara alone in the darkness of the war room.

* * *

She woke slowly, turning over in the narrow bed and nearly passing out as pain lanced through her shoulder. There were voices talking somewhere behind her. An antiseptic, hospital smell came off the sheets beneath her. She remembered Vega shouting at her, remembered falling over, but that was it and she felt alright now, just hungry and slightly queasy at the same time. Her eyes insisted on closing again and she let them, the view had been hazy anyway. The voices behind her went on. Sometime later she opened her eyes again, groggily she rolled onto her back and tried to focus on the person sitting less than a meter away.

Liara had her arms folded, legs outstretched and crossed at the knee. She was looking down at the floor, eyes distant, face very dark and very serious.

Shepard lay there for a moment, her mind going back to the last time she'd woken up on a hospital bed, two years after she'd died. All she could remember was momentary disconnected sensations: pain, the occasional smell, a flash of light, nausea and an overheard word or phrase. She felt sick again now. She dredged through those memories, terrified, like she had been then, that her memories had been altered, that all the treatment she'd had, had altered her, made her somebody different, a puppet for Cerberus. She wanted to recall everything and try to assess if the memories she found buried in herself were the ones she could remember from before. It made her head hurt to think about it and she slung her good arm over her eyes and groaned.

"Shepard?" Liara got up when Shepard moved.

"I'm still me, right?" Shepard didn't move her arm and her voice was muffled and far away. Liara swallowed, heart clenching as she knew instantly what Shepard meant.

"Yes" she nodded, reached down and lifted Shepard's arm away from her face. There was a neatly healing slice on her cheek and she had a split lip but her eyes were bright and focused "You are still you"

"Promise?"

"I promise" Liara combed a stray wisp of hair off Shepard's forehead and scowled as a nasty bruise was revealed underneath "You are an idiot, reckless and impossibly brave" she smiled a little as Shepard frowned unconsciously "But you are still you, no changes Shepard, a few more scars maybe but that is all"  
"I don't remember much, what was the damage?" Shepard wouldn't make eye contact with her, she stared at the ceiling.

"Fractured ankle, concussion, nicks and bruises, but mostly blood loss from the shoulder laceration. You were very lucky" Liara shook her head and now Shepard looked at her "I had accepted that there would be moments during this where we would lose people Shepard, good people, that injuries would be suffered. But this was perhaps a little too close"

"I'm sorry" Shepard muttered, looking away.

"What happened down there Shepard?" Liara took Shepard's face in her hand and turned her head, forcing her to make eye contact.

"Did you get the bodies out?" Shepard asked quietly, ignoring her question, but the look of distress on Liara's face told her everything.

"We barely got you out" The Asari shook her head.

"Shit" Shepard wrenched her face away and slung her arm back over her eyes. Miranda and Oriana were abandoned and would lay unburied as forgotten, faceless casualties. Corpses waiting for the Reapers to find them like predatory birds and pick them to pieces. She blew out a breath, remembering now how she'd felt when Miranda had died, the rage and the grief, but she couldn't cry. Looking into her own thoughts and feelings now, all she could make out was a terrible barrenness, an almost complete lack of emotion save for a feeling of puzzlement, that after everything, she should be experiencing such a limited reaction "How long have I been out?" she muttered, still shielding her eyes.

"About three hours" At a loss, Liara folded her arms "Shepard..."

"I was angry" Shepard interrupted her "So angry, at everyone and everything. At Miranda"

"Miranda?" Liara asked, confused.

"She was stupid, she should have come to me" Shepard removed her arm from her face and looked at Liara "Have I become that unapproachable?" she tried to sit up.

"No Shepard" Liara tried to reassure her, pressing one palm to her good shoulder to make her lie still "Not at all"

"Then why?" Shepard asked, her eyes searching Liara's face "Why would she do that, why didn't she come to me?"

"I cannot answer that Shepard" Liara closed her eyes and sighed as the burden of fear she had laboured under for the last three hours finally began to relent. She opened her eyes again and gently stroked Shepard's arm "Anger, is that why?"

"Why what?" Shepard murmured, suddenly sounding incredibly tired.

"Why you confronted the Reapers"

"Is it that important you know?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Because I am afraid Shepard" Liara's voice was quiet as she linked her fingers tightly around Shepard's. She took a deep breath "I am afraid that you no longer care"

"What?" Shepard's wondered if she'd ever be able to take a breath again, her chest felt so tight. There was such sadness in Liara's eyes.

"About your life" Liara shook her head and squeezed the fingers in hers even tighter "About what would happen to us, to me, if you traded your life in so easily"

"Of course I care!" Shepard tried to pull her hand free but Liara wouldn't let go "I just..." She paused as the swift swell of anger that had risen so quickly, evaporated just as fast. Her life seemed to have been nothing but anguish, horror and guilt, a wasted result of events she had no control over. She'd been so angry at everything, at having things taken out of her control again, that she'd given into a terrible blood haze and a desperate need for revenge "I don't know why, I was just angry, I needed to let some of that out" she said softly "I don't have a death wish, if that's what you're accusing me of" she tried to pull her hand free again, but again the Asari held fast.

"That is most definitely not what I was accusing you of" Liara said with an odd, sad looking smile. Before Shepard could make any sort of argument the Asari leaned down until her lips almost touched Shepard's ear "I lost you once, I'm not quite ready to lose you again" she whispered.

Shepard slowly turned her head until their eyes met, their lips just centimetres apart. Liara's eyes seemed to deepen in intensity, filled with an infinite sadness. Shepard forgot what she was about to say as she got lost in eyes like the still blue of shallow waters.

"I cannot watch you die again. Please do not do that to me" Liara took a breath "I love you" She admitted quietly.

The simplicity of Liara's statement struck Shepard harder than any blow and she drew in a sharp breath, her blood suddenly racing. "That isn't fair" Shepard murmured "You know I'd do anything for you"

"I know" Liara said softly, leaning closer, kissing her.

When the Asari pulled away Shepard sighed "Liara I..." Soft fingers on her lips prevented her from finishing.

"Stay here just a little longer" Liara asked tenderly, frowning as Shepard's eyes closed "Get a little more rest"

There was a long silence and for a moment Liara thought Shepard had drifted off to sleep.

"It's the sedatives" Dr Chakwas said warmly. Liara straightened up but didn't let go of Shepard's hand, she wasn't sure how long the Doctor had been stood there but she couldn't remember hearing the door open "I know she hates being sedated, but I couldn't see her getting any rest otherwise"

"I understand" Liara nodded "Will she be all right?"

"She'll be fine" The Doctor paused "The Commander heals remarkably quickly thanks to Cerberus" she paused again, sucking her teeth "I actually think that could be the only good thing Cerberus have ever done" tentatively the Doctor moved closer to the Asari, placing a hand on her shoulder "Are you all right?"

"Are any of us?" Liara answered, never taking her eyes from Shepard's face.

"Good question" Doctor Chakwas removed her hand and walked to the far end of the medical bay. She busied herself by looking over Shepard's chart but kept one eye on the Asari. The intimate exchange she'd witnessed had left her feeling like a voyeur and she'd backed away to give Liara the space she obviously needed. Looking at the Asari now, she could see just how tired and drained she was. Even if she hadn't been a Doctor, she would have been hard pressed to miss the radiating distress from the Asari. The strong planes of her face were hollow and drawn, her vibrant blue eyes were filled with shadows, even the timbre of her voice rang with pain. What really surprised the Doctor though, was the instant calming and strengthening effect the Asari had on Shepard. If Shepard was the only hope the galaxy had left to rely on, then Liara was the one driving that hope, and from where she was standing, that hope looked very fragile.


	23. Chapter 23

Last real nothing chapter before the downward spiral to the end of the game. There will probably not be too much down time for the crew from this point on, so I thought I should make use of it while I can and explore some of the more thoughtful sides of Commander Shepard. Also, after this point there will be some key diversions from the plot because I had many issues with the game ending. Once again, thank you all for sticking with this and for the reviews and feedback. I haven't had a lot of time to reply/respond due to commitments but rest assured I will after Monday when my schedule has calmed down.

* * *

Shepard leaned her forehead against the glass of the observatory window, watching the darkness go by. In one hand she held a steaming mug, whilst the other was tucked into a sling across her chest. She'd never really adjusted to the feel of permanent night you got when being on ship, the sensation of ploughing constantly through a swamp of black, surrounded by metal. Occasionally the view would change to complete darkness, then dull light, then dots, then shafts of light and then darkness again. It was ever changing, but not interesting, not the type if changing light you wanted to watch like you would watch a kaleidoscope. It was strange and almost unnatural, but for some reason right now she couldn't tear her gaze away from the black expanse, a darkness deeper than darkness, and wonder about the Reapers.

She sighed, feeling suddenly lost and immersed in a deeper despair than she had ever known, with no way out. Her fingers shifted on the handle of the mug, her hand stiffening as the knuckles turned white.

"You're going to blow that glass out if you're not careful Commander" Vega muttered as he slouched impossibly lower in his chair and lit his cigar using his biotics.

"I wish you wouldn't do that" Shepard turned slightly, eyeing the marine.

"Do what?" Vega smirked, absently chewing the cigar "Smoke, drink or use my _abilities_ so _casually_" he laughed.

Shepard shook her head and wandered over to the seat opposite him, dropping down and kicking her booted feet up onto the low table. Vega grumbled and tried to move some of his playing cards out of the way.

"What the hell are you playing anyway Vega?" She glanced at the card strewn table and then back at Vega. He wasn't the most tidy of players and cards were scattered over most of the table, including the area in front of her. For some reason he'd weighted some of the hands down with empty glasses, adding to the general look of confusion. With a wave of his hand he started lifting cards, mumbling to himself as if he'd lost something.

"I'm playing poker" He replied absently.

"On your own?" Shepard smirked.

Vega exhaled another cloud of smoke, his eyes wide and glassy "Yeah" he drew out the word "Hell Lola, I'm too drunk to remember what my other three hands are" he leant over towards her, lifting a few cards by her feet and pulling back, nose wrinkling "What the hell is that shit you're drinking?"

"This?" Shepard waved the mug at him.

"Yeah, that, damn reeks"

"I don't know what it is" She looked down at the mug and then shrugged, wincing at the pain the motion caused "It's some sort of Asari herb drink, it tastes amazing"

"It stinks"

"Well yeah, but..."

"No way" Vega cut her off, waving his hand "Would that be getting anywhere near my mouth"

Shepard snorted "I'm sure you've had worse things in your mouth Lieutenant"

He took another deep inhale and blew the smoke into her face "Well that's for me to know Lola" he leant forward and swatted her feet off the table with the back of his hands "Now get off my damn cards" he rumbled, laughing as he reset the hands on the table.

Shepard crossed her legs and leant back in the chair, cradling her arm against her stomach as she looked up at the ceiling.

"You ok boss?" Vega asked, not looking up from his cards.

"Yeah, I'm just so fucking tired"

"Yeah" he picked a card from his hand and lay it face up on the table "I hear you" he paused for a minute and then finally looked at Shepard "When all this shit's finished, you reckon I could enter the N7?"

Shepard looked at the marine with honest surprise "That what you want Vega?"

Vega shrugged "Yeah I really do" he took another deep breath "You think I have what it takes?"

Shepard smiled a little sadly and nodded "Yeah, but really Vega" she ran her fingers through her hair "You've seen all this shit, all the junk I have to put up with and you still want this?"

Vega just laughed "hell Lola, that's why I want it!" he threw another card down on the table "Why'd you want to do it?"

"Because I was a lost kid trying to find out who I was" Shepard wished she had a stronger drink as she met the dark eyes of the big marine "Being in the Alliance, in the N7 program, motivated me to succeed when all I'd ever done before was fail. I wanted to be an officer" she paused and smiled a little "the best officer, more than anything in the world and in striving for it, I assimilated it and it became part of my identity. I became N7"

"Fuck that" Vega threw his cards out "You became Commander Shepard, saviour of the Citadel, face of the Alliance" he laughed and Shepard groaned.

"That damn advertising campaign" She shook her head.

"Don't knock it, that's why half the current Alliance signed up" he grinned.

"Shit Vega, way to make me feel old" Shepard sighed and turned to look back at the black expanse beyond the windows.

"You ever regretted it?" Vega asked as he leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he took a huge drag on the cigar.

"Not really" Shepard turned to him, watching as his blunt fingers prodded at the cards on the table. After a few minutes of silence his eyes finally met hers and she caught a fleeting wash of a familiar pain "I do regret what it's done to my friends, the people who care about me"

"How so?" Vega shook his head, his face was red with heat, his forehead moist with perspiration.

"Being a solider is a selfish job Vega. You put yourself in danger knowing full well you could die, and you ignore the effect that will have on the people around you" she paused, pondering her next words "I didn't think twice about my life when I died, but coming back from that.." she shook her head "I never realised how badly I messed up, how much my death effected people, even people I didn't know, and that's my only real regret, my selfishness" looking at Vega she smiled, a little sadly "Just remember that" She put her head back and looked at the ceiling, her eyes closing. She was suddenly back in her barrack room, back in Rio at the start of her N7 training.

In the middle of the night, standing in the window staring out at the Atlantic crashing onto the beach, wondering what the hell she was doing in such an alien place. Watching onyx waves rippling in toward the shore, cresting white with foam, pawing towards her then vanishing into the sponge sand. She had no idea why she'd come, why she wanted this, but twelve days later - after an eight day exercise - she knew. She remembered that night, sitting on a huge expanse of rock, savouring the view as her patrol nestled in around her. The ancient statue of Cristo Redentor looked down on her, arms spread as benediction flowed silently from stone lips. Two of her soldiers were asleep whilst one kept communications watch. Dusk arrived and the landscape morphed to a red and purple urban jungle. Her stomached pitched and groaned because they'd ran out of rations over a day ago, but the view of the city and the ocean heartened them all and her primary thought was that she was getting paid to see this, and that life didn't get any better.

"That was a long time ago" Shepard opened her eyes and had to snort back a laugh at the sight of Vega, fast asleep, sitting upright in his chair. She stood up, stretched her good arm above her head and walked over to him. With a sigh she reached down and removed the cigar from his loose fingers, extinguishing it on the table. Even in repose he didn't look relaxed and his hand twitched where it rested against his thigh. He reminded Shepard of her younger self and she could only hope he would live to see the end of this war.

* * *

Liara walked slowly down the steps into the war room. The lights were almost all off and the space was mostly illuminated by the holographic display in the centre of the room. Shepard was leant over one of the consoles, one hand keying in various commands as her gaze stayed fixed on the display.

Liara watched silently as a holographic Normandy darted out from a squadron of ships, its weapons pouring into a Reaper destroyer, driving like a wedge at a group of enemy ships whilst the other Alliance ships converged on another destroyer in a loose battle formation. Then it happened. The Normandy twisted, skittered away from the squadron, its nose exploding under the weight of enemy firepower.

Shepard tapped two fingers on her bottom lip and then reset the display, spreading her fingers over the console as she poured over the readout. Liara could hear the Commander breathing, tense and urgent.

"Shepard?" She announced her presence, watching as the corner of Shepard's mouth curved up into a smile. Illuminated by nothing but the murky orange light of the holographic display, she looked wild and remote.

"I wondered how long you were going to stand there" Now Shepard looked at her.

"Do you want me to leave?" Liara asked quietly.

Shepard raised one eyebrow as she answered "No" she gestured towards the newly reset holo display "I was running simulations before we hit Chronos Station"

"Unsuccessful simulations by the looks of it" Liara moved until she was stood next to Shepard and mimicked her pose. They stood silently, side by side, leaning across the console and watching as holographic ships appeared in front of them. It was oddly serene.

"They are worst case scenario simulations, I'm not really even sure why I'm running them" Shepard said musingly, staring straight ahead "I couldn't sleep, I was too busy planning what to say for Miranda's ceremony tomorrow" she turned her head to study Liara "What are you doing up so late?"

"Nothing" Liara shrugged one shoulder "I was restless" she paused and took a deep breath "I went to your cabin but obviously it was empty" she regarded Shepard intently, her eyes were dark in the low light, her gaze pensive "How is your arm feeling?" Liara nodded at the sling.

"It's alright, I'm only wearing this to appease the Doctor, she insisted" Shepard murmured "You went to my cabin?"

"Is that a problem?"

"No, not at all. Actually now you're here I need you to do something for me" Shepard stopped and leaned closer to the Asari "Meet me in the shuttle bay in ten minutes?" she smiled at the curious look the Asari gave her.

"Why?"

"Please?"

"Alright" Liara nodded as Shepard walked past her, their bodies brushing lightly together. The Asari watched her leave, wondering what exactly it was she was plotting.

* * *

Liara walked into the shuttle bay with a frown on her face. Shepard was stood next to the weapons bench and as she walked over her frown deepened.

"Please tell me you did not get me down here to show me that?" she indicated the rusted weapon that lay on the bench with a wave of her hand.

"That" Shepard said with a smirk "Is a classic M37 assault rifle, pre contact war" she sighed "But it isn't working"

"Shepard" Liara said slowly "That is hardly surprising, it belongs in a museum. We make pistols more powerful than that now"

"What?" Shepard smiled at the Asari but managed to look genuinely insulted "It's beautiful" she said, taking up the gun and flourishing it. She ran her fingers over the darkly cluttered side and gave an admiring growl "I mean look at it, it just looks powerful"

Liara shook her head "So you got me down here to show me a gun?" She glanced from the weapon back to Shepard "Really Shepard?"

"Alright" Shepard grumbled like a petulant child "I'll put it away" Shepard laid the rifle back on the bench and gently freed her other arm from the sling, lifting the fabric over her head and placing it down on the bench. She was painfully aware of the Asari studying her every move "Follow me" Shepard jerked her head in the direction of the far wall and walked out into the shuttle bay.

The bay was bigger than you'd expect for a ship the Normandy's size but its ceiling was oppressive and low. The space felt bitter cold and smelt of oil and smoke. Shepard shivered and stuck her hands in her pockets as she crossed the bay's width, her boots clicking along the floor ominously in comparison to the softer footfalls of the Asari behind her. When she reached the far wall of the bay she stopped and pulled her hands out of her pockets. She looked down at a metal chest that was nestled against the wall, its stainless steel finish embedded with a line of smooth wood and whorls of etching.

"Shepard?" Liara whispered looking down at the chest "What is it?"

Shepard crouched down and lifted the lid off the chest. There was a single glyph on the inside of the lid and several lines of script in a language that Liara didn't recognize, but when Shepard lifted out a single moulded piece of hard suit, her face radiated joy "I know you'll hate it" Shepard said as she stood up and ran her fingers over the back plate "But I also know there is nothing I can do to keep you off the front line, and there is no way in hell you're going out there without a proper hard suit" she handed the silver and metallic grey plate to Liara who was looking at it with a strange mix of wonder and surprise.

"I..." Liara ran her fingers over the cool material. It was more than a gift, it was a necessity, but it symbolised so much more. Shepard had no intention of leaving her behind "Thank you"

Shepard laughed roughly, the sound raspy as if she was out of practice "I didn't expect you to thank me, but I do expect you to wear it"

Blue fingers trailed along the edges of the unexpectedly thin, metallic looking plate "Where did you get it? These suits are custom built Shepard, will this even fit?"

"Does it matter where I got it?" Shepard reached out and removed the back plate from the Asari's fingers, depositing it gently back in the chest "And of course it will fit" Now Shepard grinned "Do you forget just how well I know you Doctor?" She was charmed to see the vague hint of a blush on Liara's face "We'll try it, take your jacket off"

"Here?" Liara glanced around the shuttle bay.

Shepard shrugged and stepped towards Liara placing her hands on the Asari's shoulders and turning her so they faced one another. Holding Liara's gaze she lowered her hands and undid the zip on the front of her jacket. She drew the back of her fingers up, along the inside of her arms and insinuated her palms under the shoulders, lifting the fabric and lowering it smoothly down Liara's arms until it fell to ground. The Asari wore nothing but a standard issue Alliance jump suit underneath and when Shepard looked up she was captured by piercingly intelligent, dilated blue eyes.

"Wait" Shepard said huskily as she turned to the chest and busied herself by laying out the biggest sections of the hard suit in the correct order. When she finished, she turned around and resumed the process of undressing the Asari "You alright?" Shepard asked as she knelt deliberately, feeling the Asari's hands move to her shoulders as she gently undid the zip of her trousers and worked them down over her hips. Lowering them enough for Liara to kick free of her boots and step out of her trousers.

"Perfect" Liara held Shepard's gaze as she stood up, already missing the warmth of her strong, sensitive hands. There was a tender expression in her soft green eyes, and without conscious thought Liara reached up and ran her fingers through thick, tousled red hair. A muscle bunched in the Commanders jaw and Liara recognized it for what it was. Shepard was riding the fine edge of her control.

"Ah" Shepard took a step back "No touching, I can't think when you touch me"

Liara smiled at that and watched as Shepard's gaze became intent, her only focus the hard suit. She fitted each segment precisely, the glimmering surface catching the murky shuttle bay light and causing stuttering reflections on the walls. Nimble, rapid fingers pulled plates together, buckled straps and gently easer her limbs to where would best help with the fitting. In a few minutes Liara was expertly fastened into her protective shell.

Shepard stepped back and scrutinised her work. After a second she nodded and looked up "How's it feel?"

Liara stretched out her arms and then rapped her knuckles against the thigh plate. Protection. Her mouth curved up in a smile she couldn't conceal as she admired the delicate blue lines and patterns that decorated the stomach and arms. She stepped forward, feeling the fit of the greaves to her calf muscles as she shifted, beginning to move with her as if the suit was a part of her body, part of herself.

"It feels good" Liara looked up to see Shepard smiling "It fits perfectly" She shook her head "It must have cost a fortune"

Shepard shrugged "It might have" then she looked away for a moment. She had decided that the best place for Liara when they eventually reached Earth, would be the Normandy, and that ordering her to stay behind would be the best way to protect her. But she also knew that Liara would never forgive her, and she couldn't live with that "It's the most I can do to protect you" Shepard sighed.

"You were going to leave me behind" It wasn't a question and Liara saw the truth in Shepard's face as she flinched at the words "On the Normandy"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"It's the safer option"

"What changed your mind?"

"You did" Shepard shook her head, exasperated "You are more of a soldier than most soldiers I've met" For some reason committing her thoughts to words made it worse, and she felt a wash of responsibility and sadness for the innocent Asari scientist that might have existed if it hadn't of been for a chance meeting all those years ago.

"Somehow I find that hard to believe"

"I don't" Shepard shifted her weight from one foot to the other and looked at Liara "I'll tell you why. Out of every hundred soldier's I've worked with, ten or maybe fifteen will know what to do when the shit hits the fan, without being told. It's either good training or damn good instincts. The rest will fight because someone else has trained them and told them where to be and what to do. Out of that, a few will always run around clueless now matter what they've been told" She shrugged again "I've watched you, you're a natural, one of the few that I'd pick and say 'you're my next in charge" Shepard waved her hand to forestall a protest "I mean it Liara, and the truth is, as much as I want to be selfish and keep you out of harm's way, I need you with me. I can't imagine getting through this otherwise"

Shepard looked like she always did, totally in control, although there was a tremor of something just beneath the surface, as if she was too controlled, like something might snap. Liara didn't have any words, so instead she moved forwards, closing the distance between them as she slid her fingers into Shepard's hair and kissed her, slowly.

* * *

Shepard eyed the gathered crowd, a swath of navy blue uniform, golden buttons and shined shoes. Three deep in places, all non essential crew were present, arched around the board of names, heads low, faces solemn.

She had chosen not to wear her dress blues, she didn't think that Miranda would have approved. In fact, she was pretty sure Miranda would have found this entire event hilarious.

With a sigh Shepard ran her fingers over the name plate in her hands and looked up. The crew deck was quiet and dignified as the crowd shared the reality of war. This was the silent grieving truth, the black seam that ran through everything, the real, living and enduring hurt caused by the instantaneous decisions made in a battle.

If this had been a full Alliance funeral there would have been prayers, a lament and the last post. But here, all there was, was a name.

"One name" Shepard mumbled as she lifted the plaque into place on the wall and smoothed her fingers across the letters "I know it's just one name" She spoke louder this time, so the crew could hear "And to pay respects to just one name when the casualty lists are in the millions every day seems..." she paused, trying to convey her feelings and realizing she was failing "wrong almost" She stumbled on, an emotion coming to her that she had long thought dead inside herself "But she was one of mine" her voice was brave, but it seemed to crack with age although tears were impossible and sorrow seemed beyond her. She hadn't deliberately recalled Miranda's death since it had happened; it had been enough to know that each time she slept she would replay those last seconds on the floor of a filthy lab, feeling her slip away. It would be another memory to wake her up in the night, brow damp, pulse racing. She took a deep breath "I'm not going to make this into a big ceremony, because she would have hated that, all I have to say is that I owed her my life and she deserved more. It's true what they say, It is only the dead who have seen the end of war" Shepard shifted uncomfortably for a moment and then indicated the plates of food laid out on the mess tables behind them "Now go" she waited, watching as the crowd dispersed.

* * *

Traynor was completely certain that the Commander was drunk, although she was hiding it well. The specialist watched as the Commander walked through a small circle of crew, with Liara next to her, looking remarkably like an official conducting the affairs of state. Stood together they were as different as night and day. Liara was exquisite and exotic with the natural grace and delicacy of her species. Shepard had a darkly forbidding, mysterious composure and broodingly potent gaze. They were a fearsome combination and the specialist turned away for fear of being caught staring.

She took a deep breath and looked around, most of the crew were stood surrounding the mess tables, some sat down on seats laughing and joking, some sat on the floor sharing plates of food.

Traynor sipped on her drink feeling remarkably antisocial as she avoided everyone who looked remotely interested in talking to her. With a sigh she turned and went to leave, surprised as the Commander caught her eye and signalled for her to join them. With a smile Traynor wandered over and was even more surprised as the Commander reached out and shook her hand. Her grip was warm and strong. She was most definitely drunk.

"Specialist" Shepard said, her voice husky from the alcohol "Glad you could join us" She stood relaxed but formal, her wild green eyes inspecting her.

"I'm very sorry for your loss Commander" She watched a fleeting wave of pain wash over Shepard's face "I'm also sorry that I never got the chance to meet Miss Lawson"

Shepard laughed, her exquisitely tangled hair falling across her eyes "Don't be sorry for that" Her voice poured over Traynor "I'm sure you would have hated her" Liara made a startled noise and shook her head at Shepard, smirking slightly.

"Oh" Traynor mouthed and looked away, not quite sure what to say to that.

Shepard smiled broadly "I have never worked with anyone I've disagreed with more" her smile faded "But there have only been a handful of people I've trusted with my life, and she was one of them"

"Shepard..." Liara murmured, reaching out and laying her hand on the small of the Commanders back. The gentle intimacy in the Asari's tone almost made Traynor blush and she shifted uncomfortably.

"Still" Traynor said quietly "I hope I don't have to attend many more of these"

"Yes" Shepard replied on a sigh "Me too. So" She paused "How have found your time on the Normandy so far?"

Traynor chanced a small laugh, aware that the Commander was being far more formal than usual in the company of the entire crew "It's been an experience so far Commander"

"An experience?" Shepard asked, smiling and frowning at the same time "Would that be a good experience or a bad one?"

Traynor cleared her throat "Both, sometimes even both at the same time but I'm sure you have bigger things to deal with than the details of how I feel Commander" She stuttered, nervous under the Commanders intense gaze.

"Maybe" Shepard replied "But details matter don't you think? Sometimes what appear to be utterly inconsequential actions have the most enormous results. Chance makes the casual momentous, Traynor, details are always important"

Traynor glanced round at the crew, most of whom were pretending not to look at them "I suppose you're right" she sipped her drink and surveyed the Commander over the rim of her glass. Apart from the healing welt in her lip and faint smudge of bruising under her hairline, she looked more relaxed than the specialist had seen her in a long time, and she wondered how just how much of it was an act for the crew.

"You will have to forgive the Commander" Liara leant forward conspiratorially "She does have a tendency to speak in epigrams when drunk" The Asari smiled, the barest twitch of her lips and Traynor nearly choked on her drink, coughing loudly and trying not to laugh at the thinly veiled outrage on the Commanders face.

"I'm not drunk Doctor" Shepard replied "Well, not yet anyway" she looked down, a faux sad expression on her face.

Traynor suppressed a giggle as the Commander began to smile, revealing perfect teeth. She had a brief, lightheaded, revelatory feeling that she could very easily fall in love with the idea of Commander Shepard.

"Well" Shepard reached over and removed the glass of pink liquid from Liara's fingers and before the Asari could protest, downed the drink in one go, coughing a little as the alcohol burnt the back of her throat "I think I've had quite enough of the jokes at my expense already"

"But Commander" Liara said, accepting the empty glass back and frowning at it "We have hardly started"

Shepard gave her a raised eyebrow and snagged another drink from a passing crew member "Privilege of rank" she muttered turning back to Traynor "You should try and relax a bit more specialist, once we've stopped for supplies we may not get much more down time" She rolled the dark liquid around in her glass then held it up to the light frowning.

"I understand Commander" Traynor watched as Shepard nudged Liara and nodded at the glass 'does this look alright to you?' she mumbled. Traynor sipped her drink, fascinated by the interaction "What exactly was in that glass Liara?" She asked. The Commanders eyes were decidedly glassier and a fine mist of perspiration covered her face.

"An Asari beverage" Liara shook her head as Shepard held the glass out in front of her, still frowning at it "I did try to warn her"

"Really" Shepard made a tutting noise and held the glass to her ear, flicking the rim gently with one finger, an extreme look of concentration on her face "Something doesn't seem quite right with this drink"

"Oh give me that" Liara said exasperated, and in a reversal of roles she took the glass from Shepard, put it to her lips and drained it. Almost immediately her face creased into a sour expression "Goddess that was horrible" she covered her mouth with her hand and grimaced.

"Well I knew that" Shepard said, looking annoyed.

"Shepard" Liara said as she glanced at the specialist "Just how drunk are you really?"

"Disgustingly" Shepard accepted the empty glass from the Asari and looked down at it.

"I think on that note, I'll get myself another drink" Traynor mumbled, trying very hard not to laugh as she stepped out from between the pair and backed away towards the mess tables. The crew around her seemed content despite the sombre purpose of their gathering. It was as if they were celebrating somehow, acknowledging their own individual survival. It felt wholesome but tainted, despite everything though, in the back of her mind Traynor couldn't help but think of this as the calm before a very catastrophic storm.

* * *

Edited Thanks to Planetar ;)


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